UUN #1-17
End-of-Summer Greetings, Dear Readers:
It’s time again for the Unofficial Underground News...although this first issue of the UUN could have, should have come to you earlier.
At the annual “Football Kick-Off Luncheon” held at Sexton Commons a couple weeks ago, program emcee (and golden-throated) Mark Lewandowski asked the 250 attendees to offer a moment of silence for the founding father of the luncheon — the late John Quinlivan SJP ’54 — who began the yearly affair at least 30, maybe 40 years ago as an informal get-together with his close pal John Gagliardi and a handful of St. Cloud friends just prior to the season to talk about the coming gridiron campaign; after the games began it was known by John Q. and others just to stay out of Gag’s way until November or preferably December if we were deep in the play-offs. The event grew and grew over the years and — when John Q. was alive — he’d be on me like flies on Stearns County cow manure to get out an early UUN to plug the event.
Well, John’s been gone for two or three years now and, without his prodding and bountiful jokes (most of which he asked me not to attribute to him), I continue to procrastinate...a weakness that I’ve carried with me since my late papers due for Dr. Herbert Burke back in the day. But I digress...
At the luncheon we didn’t really learn a heck of a lot...some of us suspect that the coaches don’t really want to say too much in that venue where remarks could be picked up by the press and turned into bulletin board fodder in locker rooms around the MIAC. However I’ve heard from various die-hard fans present that they really expected more actual facts and names, rather than the noncommittal, overly-humble platitudes most speakers shared.
The most impressive/informative speaker was head recruiter and defensive line coach Damien Dumonceaux SJP ’01/SJU ’05 who offered a candid appraisal of some of the weaknesses and holes we had to fill, and then how he and the others coaches went about filling them with a recruiting class and transfers that were heavy on offensive and defensive linemen and defensive secondary, areas where we lost key, experienced players to graduation. Damien said we pretty much signed up everyone we had targeted. It remains to be seen how long it will take these new players, several of them 300-pounders, to perform in the Johnnie tradition, but on paper it looks like a helluva recruiting year for SJU.
* * * *
The luncheon this year, as always, was a lot of fun. It’s great seeing all the coaches, alumni department staffers, some monks, former players and just good old super fans that we’ve come to know over the years. Everyone is getting psyched for the season. At our table of eight sat Lynn and Tom McKasy SJP ’60/ SJU ’64; John Sipe SJP ’61/SJU ’65; Sister Lois Wedl OSB ’53; Bob Spinner ’64; Brandon Novak ’01 (Co-Defensive Coordinator/Linebackers Coach); and Chris Scholl and me (Bob Wicker SJP ’60/SJU ’64).
Tom and Bob S. played on SJU’s first National Championship team in December 1963; Bob was an All-American halfback in 1962 and a two-time All-MIAC player in ’62 and ’63, while Tom was a sturdy defensive tackle/linebacker. Brandon Novak was a tremendous athlete for SJU: he won the national wrestling title at 197 pounds in 2001 and was a three-time wrestling All-American. On the football side, Brandon was named the MIAC Most Valuable Player as a linebacker in 1999 and was a two-time, first team All-American selection in ’98 and ’99. He has been an assistant coach for 15 years, mostly for linebackers, and also was head wrestling coach for ten years.
* * * *
While leaving Sexton I was visiting briefly with Roger Scherer ’58 when Doug Imholte ’87 popped up to say hello. Among other pleasantries, Doug asked if I knew the difference between a run-down Greyhound depot and a lobster with a bra? His answer: one is a crusty bus station while the other is a busty crustacean. (bada-bing, bada-boom.)
* * * *
After lunch Sr. Lois, Chris and I drove over to the new Athletic Complex to meet with Adam Herbst ’99 and Troy Fritz ’88 to check out the new official tailgate site. The parking lot is all paved, striped and looks beautiful. With more than 150 spaces it will hold about the same number that the old Science Hall lot held in years gone by, but the parking is linear along the entire length of the lot. There will be a red tent/booth where Mike Fahey ’75 will be cooking up his by-now legendary Stiftungsfest burgers and where many of the regulars will congregate, and a second such tent/booth where players’ parents will center...I hope they are close to one another so each group will interact. As usual, it will be first come-first served. I assume that people who come later to the games and park out in the fields will drop by on their way to campus and join in the festivities. While fairly near Clemens Stadium, it still can be a hike for some, so Adam says that student ambassadors will be available in golf carts to ferry those needing a lift.
Earlier this week I received the following information from John Young ’83, Associate V.P., Institutional Advancement:
This fall we now have a new permanent home for the Johnnie Football Tailgate at the new SJU athletic complex just north of Clemens Stadium. The new parking lot is beautifully situated next to Gagliardi Field, Haws Field, Haugen Field at Becker Park, Lynch Plaza and the Chang Tennis Complex. There are over 150 parking spots available on a first come, first serve basis, and there is significant room for pedestrian tailgating on and around the plaza including the grass areas along the ballpark.
There are three restrooms at Gagliardi Field and another two at Lynch Plaza. In addition there will be several porta-potties placed near the Chang Tennis Complex. As in years past, we are looking forward to fun and festive Saturdays in Collegeville. We ask that everyone please respect the tailgating courtesies and work with us to leave the lot as we found it.
You may access the entrance to the lot by taking a left turn at the campus four-way stop and proceeding up the hill a few hundred feet. The lot is on your left and it will be staffed by student ambassadors who will assist you. We forward to seeing you on September 2nd!
From the tailgate lot you may access Clemens Stadium by entering the doors on the north side of the Palestra through McKendrick Hall (which is located between the McNeely Spectrum and Sexton Arena).
* * * *
From Larry Schultz ’77, Vadnais Heights, MN —
Hi Bob — After the kickoff luncheon, Harry [Burns], Dana Buttenhoff and I wandered down to the athletic fields/complex, the new tailgating site. Visited with Troy Fritz and Adam Herbst.
Troy had a couple of requests I’d like to pass along. And hope you do as well. First, Troy asked that we all stay off the brand new, lush soccer field. That includes kids that want to throw around a football with dad, run around on the nicest grass they’ve ever seen, etc. In other words, no one on the soccer field. Troy asked we help in seeing that this is followed. Sounds reasonable.
Second, Troy asked that we properly dispose of our bottle caps so they don’t become embedded in the new blacktop. Otherwise, according to Harry, it will start to look like the New Munich Ballroom parking lot. Again, sounds reasonable.
What would really help the bottle cap issue would be enough garbage and recycling containers for the tailgate. Speaking of recycling, some wag suggested that as beer passes through men it should be deposited, i.e., recycled, in the woods instead of over-taxing the new indoor plumbing at this site. Which is quite nice, by the way. Please pass the Purell.
See you and the usual suspects Saturday. — Larry
(Editor’s Response: Doggone it, I’m not going to be there Saturday, or the following one as well. Our family is heading for the Grand Tetons and Jackson Hole for the entire week to celebrate another landmark birthday. That means Chris and I will see many of you at St. Olaf on September 16. By the time we finally get to experience the new tailgate venue on September 30 against Bethel, everyone should pretty much know the drill. But just in case, here is a helpful tip from Vic Murphy ’92 in the form of a two-minute video:
Just get yourself the Stadium Pal and you won't have to worry about anything... unless you spring a leak!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjAnMu218l0 )
(Editor's Sudden Recollection: I just remembered...this is the time of the year we listen to Toby Keith's anthem to the Red Solo Cup: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=218&v=BKZqGJONH68)
* * * *
Meanwhile, down at the University of St. Thomas, a recent survey done by the UST Sociology Department shows that the most common form of marriage proposal between Tommies consists of the words, “You’re what?!?”
* * * *
A week or so before the Kick-Off Luncheon, head coach Gary Fasching ’81 spoke to about 40 old timer alums at a monthly Lunch Bunch meeting in St. Louis Park, MN. Because of the more private nature of this group of agéd but avid Johnnies, Gary was much more forthcoming. Here are a few items I found in my notes:
— We continue to draw primarily from between 75 and 100 miles around our campus (“That’s still our bread and butter”) but increasingly we are finding students from California, Texas, Florida and Arizona, but these new student-athletes “are St. John’s guys or we don’t recruit them.” Changes in financial aid timing has helped, letting our recruits know their financial packages at the same time as D-II institutions, comparing us favorably to them.
— Due to NCAA D-III policy changes this year, schools are allowed only one 3-hour practice per day (no-more two-a-days before school starts); however one “walk-through” is permitted during the day.
— Because of a room shortage due to a major choir camp on campus causing a late start of preseason work, we lost four practices from the total allowed... Gary’s annoyed but not overly-concerned because most of the transfers came to school last semester and thus were eligible for spring practice with the returning Johnnie players.
— Gary felt that our biggest area of concern is replacing three graduating offensive linemen who played together for three and four years — a center and two guards. We also lost some great linebackers but we have two D-1/D-2 linebackers transferring in, plus a D-2 defensive lineman transfer. Overall, he said, “we have a typical SJU team: very fast, very lean...but we’ve got some pretty hefty freshmen coming in.”
— We’ve got around 185 players (65 freshmen and 4 transfers) out this year, which thankfully is less than the recent teams of 200+, which Gary said was just too hard to manage. We have 100 players out for defense, with 35 linebackers and 30-35 in the secondary. He said we’ve got a lot of promising players but not enough experienced ones in key places, so he and the coaches won’t really know who is starting where until we have a couple games under our belt. He plans to rotate in a lot of players during our first two games.
— We lost our two kickers who had been four-year starters. Overall we lost 12 out of 22 starters, but we seem to be very healthy offensively (other than on the O-line) with strength, depth and experience with quarterbacks, running backs, tight ends and wide receivers. Gary said he prefers to establish a solid ground game regardless of our down field passing/big play capabilities; he said he will be involved in every play with a go-no go decision as it comes over his headset and may try increasing to a 65%-35% rush-to-pass ratio. (Some of us fans-in-the-stands would love to see a more wide-open 50%-50% ratio but we’re not going to win that one! I assume, with UST’s stable of superb running backs running behind those behemoths on their O-line, that they also will be rushing the bulk of the time. Smash...smash...smash...first down. Smash...smash...smash...another first down. Repeat until they reach 50 or 60 points and then put in the second string with ten minutes to go in the 4th quarter.)
— Gary says if we keep our hands on the ball and don’t give up big plays (“Take care of the football!”), we can play with anyone in D-III. On the MIAC front he sees St. Thomas is loaded with talented players and always good as usual — the Tommies are picked to win the conference...”but we can beat them.” He added that Bethel is much improved with a very good, experienced quarterback; and that Concordia will be tough with their talented quarterback and huge offensive line. Those will be our top foes, at least at this point. Also up and coming are Gustavus, Augsburg and now St. Olaf with its all-new coaching staff, many coming over from St. Thomas. Even Hamline is showing signs of steady improvement. (Gary didn’t mention Carleton...they’ve had a few quite-good players over the years, but just don’t have enough people coming out for the team.)
— About the big SJU-UST game at Target Field on September 23, Gary said there are pros and cons to playing there. On the plus side there will be the atmosphere; he said 22,000 tickets have already been sold, and that’s before the student sales. We will simply crash obliterate the Division III attendance record. Another plus is we won’t have to put up with all the unruly, vile crap on the UST campus with its liquored-up, so-called “fans.” On the minus side we don’t know the stadium circumstances/environment, such as locker rooms, facilities layout and the like. Also, we are not allowed to practice there beforehand.
— Finally, Gary mentioned that the September 30 game against Bethel is also the annual Tackle Cancer game and that his wife Cindy is spearheading the SJU activity for this important fund-raising event held throughout college football at all levels. He said that last year Cindy’s promotional efforts led to St. John’s fans contributing $10,000 to the cause whereby that same effort at the huge University of Minnesota collected a mere $7,000. We are asked to remember this date and urged to contribute generously this year as well.
* * * *
The Celestial Titanic Test —
Recently a Johnnie, a Bethel Royal, and a Tommie wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the Johnnie and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The Johnnie answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the Royal and, wondering if Heaven REALLY needed all the theological baggage this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the Bethel grad had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the Tommie. "Name them."
* * * *
2017 Football Schedule —
(All games start at 1 P.M.)
9/2 St. Scholastica Collegeville
9/9 Presentation Collegeville
9/16 St. Olaf Northfield
9/23 St. Thomas Minneapolis (Target Field)
9/30 Bethel Collegeville (Family Wknd)
10/7 Augsburg Collegeville (Homecoming)
10/14 Carleton Northfield
10/21 Gustavus Collegeville
11/11 Concordia Collegeville
* * * *
About The Schedule —
Rich Mies SJP '76/UST '80 wrote in asking who's got the "softer creampuff" — UST with UW-Eau Claire or SJU with St. Scholastica. I told him we did. Whereas I expect the Tommies to drill the BluGold badly, those WIAC teams are normally very physical; injuries always seem to occur when we play them. The Saints from Duluth, although usually at or near the top in their conference, will be no match for the much higher-ranked Johnnies, even while we use them to audition lots and lots of players — parents of the new kids should love this game, because many, if not all, will make it into the game, and if not this one then the second game for sure. The difference will be in the final score: UST's Caruso will hone his first string by leaving them in for a long time, while Gary will be giving plenty of players a shot...that will undoubtedly depress the final score, which may be a good thing, particularly since the Saint's head coach is Kurt Ramler '97, a former SJU standout QB and an assistant coach for SJU for a year — gotta take care of our own, y'know? Wonder how Caruso will handle St. Olaf's score against so many of his former coaches who moved there? Visualize a boot squishing a beetle.
Rich went on to comment about our second game — against tiny Presentation College of Aberdeen, SD. He asked sarcastically if Macalester wasn't available and I responded that the Presentation Saints are sort of a lay version of the Little Sisters of The Poor. Rich pointed how Concordia is hosting UW-Whitewater for THEIR second game. Ouch! It's hard enough to get "W"s in the MIAC and the Cobbers will be starting behind the eight-ball. The Tommies go to UW-Stout for their second game, which should provide only a bit more of a test than UW-EC. I also noticed that Bethel plays at Carthage, MO for its second game...they both received votes in the D3 Football Preseason Poll...should be a good game and an important one for the Royals.
And speaking of that awesome group next state over, this is the order in which their coaches picked the WIAC Conference: Whitewater; Oshkosh; Platteville; Stevens Point; LaCrosse; River Falls; Stout and poor old Eau Claire. Last year the top three all made the NCAA D-III play-offs. And with Oshkosh's appearance in the Stage Bowl, it marked the 10th time in the last 12 seasons the WIAC has been represented in the national title game. I'm impressed.
Our own MIAC Conference isn't exactly a group of patsies, though; here's how MIAC coaches picked our group: St. Thomas; Saint John's; Concordia; Bethel; Gustavus; Hamline; Augsburg; St. Olaf and poor old Carleton. The first four teams should represent the MIAC very well against other conferences.
By the way, here's the link to the D3 Football Preseason Top 25 Poll:
http://www.d3football.com/top25/2017/preseason
Highlights are, for that top ten list at this point: Mary Hardin-Baylor; Mount Union; UW-Whitewater; UW-Oshkosh; #5 St. Thomas; Wheaton; North Central; John Carroll; Linfield; and #10 St. John's. The Johnnies were ranked No. 8 by Street & Smith/The Sporting News and No. 4 by Lindy's earlier this summer.
* * * *
Tommie Fine Dining —
Two University of St. Thomas students went into Plum’s, a Tommie bar and grill at Snelling and Randolph, and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their backpacks and started to eat.
The manager became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "Look...Just because you’re from St. Thomas and a lot of you guys frequent our place doesn’t mean you can eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The two Toms looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
* * * *
From Robyn Sitarz, mother of current linebacker Josh, who was kind enough to forward her information to player parents, which I’m pleased to include here as well —
Good Morning!
Thought you might want to see the first email I sent to the Johnnie football families with current tailgating information. Looking forward to another fun year of football! — Robyn
Good Afternoon Johnnie Football Families!
We are your SJU football parent liaisons -- Rick and Robyn Sitarz (parents of Josh #47 - LB) and Libby and Andy Auger (parents of Tommy #39 - TE). We will send weekly updates during the football season with tailgating specifics, group gathering spots (away games) as well as any other specific information necessary before each game.
This week the Johnnies host the College of St. Scholastica with a 1:00 pm kickoff.
Tailgating:
We are excited to share that this fall we now have a new permanent home for the Johnnie Football Tailgate at the new SJU athletic complex just north of Clemens Stadium. You may access the entrance to the lot by taking a left turn at the campus four way stop and proceeding up the hill a few hundred feet. The lot to your left will be staffed so simply proceed to the attendants and you will be directed to any open spots. We will be hosting our parent headquarters red tent located on the right in the lot just in front of Haws Field near Lynch Plaza. We forward to seeing you on September 2nd!
Other tailgating details:
- Bring your own food, plates, utensils, chairs, garbage bags, etc.
- Grills are allowed but there is no community grill.
- If you are drinking adult beverages, they MUST be in a can-kuzzie or a plastic cup (preferably Johnnie red!). Bottles must be out of sight in a cooler, bag or vehicle. Life Safety is very particular about this rule.
- We will be tailgating at or near the red SJU tent. Feel free to find us with questions or just to say "hi".
That's it for this week. Please don't hesitate to contact us with any questions or concerns. If you prefer to be taken off our email list, just let us know. In the meantime, we are excited for another year of great Johnnie football!
Go Johnnies!!
Robyn Sitarz and the SJU Football Parent Liaisons
Libby and Andy Auger
Robyn and Rick Sitarz
* * * *
Obscure Math Major Humor —
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
(With thanks to Suzie Gooding, wife of Bruce ’67, Durham, NC.)
* * * *
Student Rules for Good Housekeeping —
(Editor’ Note: Now that classes have begun at CSB-SJU we’ve noted that many upper division students are living in apartment-like facilities complete with kitchens, living rooms and separate bedrooms. We’re not sure that our young men and women have been properly instructed on housekeeping and neatness, so we’ve included this primer for their edification.)
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. Keep your space clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.
4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
6. If guys were supposed to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
7. The UUN idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
* * * *
Scenes We’ll Never See At CSB-SJU —
Professor Mani Campos stood before his class of twenty St. Ben’s and St. John’s senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.
"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the test."
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, Mani looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and opted out of the final.
Mani then closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said. "You all get 'A's."
* * * *
It’s A Tradition!
Mike Fahey’s Annual Kick-Off Poem (of Sorts)
2017 – 107 seasons of Johnnie football, let us soar!
By Mike “Johnnie Red” Fahey ’75
The Johnnies have soared the last three seasons with national postseason games, this preseason ranked no. 10 in D3Football and 8 by The Sporting News, add Evan Clark’s name!
Clark, a senior wide receiver, a D3football preseason second team All-American,
hopefully following in the steps of Carter Hanson, who won the Gagliardi Trophy in 2016, another Johnnie again!
The Tommies have Jackson Hull, tight end, a preseason first team All-American and Jordan Roberts,
Running back, preseason second team All-American, and members of a team ranked no. 5, all bobbing?
Will the Tommies this season move up or down briefly or repeatedly, time will tell on Sept. 23;
The game at Target Field with the Johnnies, we should have a new national record for Division 3.
Coach Gary Fasching will be in his fifth season as head football coach at St. John’s,
Going after his fourth postseason appearance in his position, Go Johnnies!!!!!!!!!!
SJU is expected to return 12 of their 22 starters, seven on offense, five on defense, many players too!
Six home games, September 2 with St. Scholastica through the Cobbers on Nov. 11, we can do!
The Stiftungsfestivities at a new location, Clemens Stadium, the Bennie Dance Team, all around;
We are so fortunate to have the Johnnie football team and Coach Fasching, another season off the ground!
(Editor’s Note: I’m not sure how many years Mike, a district court judge presiding in Scott County, MN, has been penning this preseason poesy, but I’m been publishing them for about a decade.)
* * * *
The Tommie’s Dog —
A man dropped in to pay a St. Thomas alum friend an unexpected visit, and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.
The man watched in silence for a few minutes, then burst out with, "That's the most incredible dog I ever saw in my life!"
"Oh, he isn't so smart," replied our Tommie. "I've beaten him three games out of four!"
* * * *
Plan Ahead Department —
Homecoming 2017 — October 6-7
* * * *
The Little Lost Boy —
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Big boobs, football and beer!"
* * * *
Accounting Majors' Corner, First Job Department —
Fresh out of St. John's, the Johnnie graduate answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young Johnnie said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the budding accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars"
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the Johnnie exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
* * * *
A Tommie’s Reward —
There was this UST grad, a former member of the football team, who was called into his boss’s office one afternoon.
“We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, George,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward since the company has been doing pretty well. So, how does a brand new car sound?”
“Vrooom! Vrooooom!” the Tommie replied.
* * * *
More Scenes From Stearns County —
A motorist from the Cities was traveling through Stearns County and somehow got twisted around on some backcountry roads that were not clearly marked. He stopped his car and approached a farmer who was standing next to his tractor in a field. The motorist waved to the farmer and shouted over the fence, "What's the quickest way to Elrosa?"
The local scratched his head. "Are ya walkin' er drivin'?" he asked the stranger.
"Well, I'm driving," said the stranger, pointing to his car about thirty yards up the road.
"Vell den, dat's da quickest way."
* * * *
More Than I Intended —
A senior at the University of St. Thomas was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from R.F. Moeller’s jewelry store in Highland Park.
"Listen," said the Tommie, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The Tom looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
* * * *
THE FINAL WORD —
The Holy Fundraiser
(Another UUN Classic...sent in by Jim Conn ’64, Alexandria, MN)
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past
a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a large stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long brown habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?'”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....”
“Very well, my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.”
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.”
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
* * * *
This is it for two weeks...you’ll just have to win the first two games without me. So, in my absence, shout out in raised decibels...
G OJ O H N N I E S ! ! Beat the smelt out of the Saints from Duluth...and likewise beat the corncobs out of the Saints from Aberdeen. (Or something like that...)
* * * *
Respectfully (except to Tommies, of course) submitted,
Your humble editor,
Bob or Rob Wicker SJP ’60/SJU ’64, St. Paul, MN