UUN #1-19 - The UUN dips its toe in the e-water
(Editor's Note: I attempted to send this first UUN of 2019 out on Thursday, Aug. 22 before leaving on a week-long trip. I was unable to email it my regular way of 15+ years due to extreme tightening of AOL's spam prevention on that date and thus have spent several days since my return trying to remedy the situation. With the help of my daughter Caitlin and the advice of three Johnnie, Bennie and Prep friends, I've moved my mailing list to MailChimp and will be sending this and subsequent issues this new way.
Dear Increasingly Impatient Mailing List —
It’s past time that the UUN (aka Unofficial Underground News) started up again for the 2019 season. But I don’t have much time to assemble a truly suitable inaugural issue since your editor is leaving town again tomorrow early am, this New York trip on top of an earlier one to Chicago last week. But I figure if I throw in some Tommie jokes all is forgiven, for a while anyway.
There’s so much to write about we can only touch on a few of them lightly now and hope to expand in later issues:
1.) President Michael Hemeseth ‘81 departed prematurely and an interim president named to tend the home fires for a year or so.
2.) SJU (and I presume CSB) are below plan for incoming freshmen (called First Year Students in PC-speak) for the second straight year. This is quite serious and I hope the administration identifies publicly what the problems are and shares what steps they are taking to rectify the situation.
3.) The University of St. Thomas was forced to resign from the Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference in the face of a viable threat by four of the lesser-athletically successful colleges to leave the MIAC if U$T remained, thus killing the conference for all intents and purposes.
4.) The Football Johnnies are ranked #3 in the annual d3football.com poll, and senior quarterback Jackson Erdmann and senior offensive linemanDan Greenheck were named by d3football.com to its preseason All-America First Team.
5.) SJU & CSB were recently ranked #1 and #2 as the best colleges for employment in Minnesota by Zippia, a career website. (See (2) above for the disconnect.)
6.) St. John’s Abbey and University lost a giant this month in the unexpected death of Fr. Hilary Thimmesh, OSB at age 91. Of course, at 91 I suppose one must “expect” anything.
7.) The water on St. John’s campus was discovered to be contaminated by e coli bacteria for some unknown reason. What the Sam Hill!?!
8.) Our highly-anticipated Football Season will commence on Saturday, September 7 in an away non-conference game with UW-Stout in Menomonie, WI. A pregame celebration is planned in a downtown establishment. Menomonie is about 3/4 of the way to Eau Claire from the Twin Cities off Interstate 94.
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Since it’s doubtful I can do justice to all these subjects in my allotted time, let me offer this:
Tommies Playing Poker —
A few of the top guys of the University of St. Thomas football coaching staff were sitting around the office in the off-season playing poker.
"I win!" said Glenn Caruso, Head Coach.
Bruce Carpenter, Offensive Coordinator, threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Glenn is cheating!!!"
"How can you tell?" Defensive Coordinator Wallie Kuchinski asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!”
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“Off With Their Heads,” Tommie-Style —
One day, they’re leading a Johnnie Religious Studies major, a Gustie Econ major, and Tommie Engineering major to the guillotine. They ask the Johnnie if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate.
The Johnnie says that he would like to face up, so he will be looking at Heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the Johnnie.
The Gustie comes up to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the Johnnie. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down, but suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention and they release the Gustie as well.
Next is the Tommie. He too decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine our Tom suddenly says, “Hey! I see what your problem is….”
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2019 SJU Football Schedule
(All games start at 1 pm, except the St. Thomas game, naturally, which starts at 1:10 pm.)
(Editor’s Schedule Remarks: First, about the asterisks: Bye* actually means that we couldn’t find anyone to play us once again this year, meaning SJU will lose the gate receipts from fair-weather fans as well as the loyal regulars and parents for this prime fall football date. This condition doesn’t look to improve in the near future either. Gustavus** is Family Weekend; Augsburg*** is Homecoming; and Bethel**** is the Tackle Cancer game. Rose-Hulman***** is a fill-in game for our actual bye date.
Second, this year’s schedule appears to be mostly favorable to St. John’s, with the away game against St. Thomas being the most challenging contest not played at home; SJU will host Gustavus, Bethel and Concordia, each normally a handful, at Clemens Field. Once again, Carleton, Augsburg and Hamline will undoubtedly be over-matched, not only by the Johnnies but also the rest of the MIAC; St. Olaf remains a question mark; they may be separating from the other three have-not teams.
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Season Kick-Off at UW-Stout —
Johnnie Faithful — You are invited to the Stout pregame party to be held at the newly-renovated Silver Dollar Saloon in downtown Menomonie [https://www.silverdollar315.com ]. This party is the brainchild of Mike Muehlbauer ’91 of nearby Eau Claire. Mike is a football alum who coordinated this affair with Michael Cummings ’89, a senior development officer in SJU I-A.
The Silver Dollar opens at 10 am on Saturdays; they will offer Happy Hour prices and hungry folks can order off the menu. Our party runs from 10:30 am to 1 pm. The establishment is located at 315 Main St E, Menomonie, WI 54751.
There is no cost to attend, but please RSVP for planning purposes. The football game kicks off at 1 p.m. at Williams Stadium in Menomonie, just a few blocks way. (If you forget to register, drop in anyway…just wear red.)
Register here: http://sjualum.csbsju.edu/s/1433/gid3/interior.aspx?sid=1433&pgid=5168&gid=3&cid=8013&ecid=8013&post_id=0
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The Domesticated Johnnie —
Two Johnnie seniors sat talking over beers at Sal’s. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second.
"Exactly," replied the first. "Every one of the recipes began the same way - ‘Take a clean dish’ ...."
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SJU, CSB rank Nos. 1-2 in State for Jobs —
For the second time in three years, Saint John’s University was named the best college for employment placement in Minnesota by Zippia, a career website, June 21, 2019. Saint John’s had an employment placement rate of 95.16 percent in Zippia’s 2019 analysis. Among the 50 state leaders, SJU ranked eighth overall.
The College of Saint Benedict was ranked No. 2 in the Minnesota employment placement percentage rate, at 94.88 percent. CSB’s employment placement percentage rate was higher than 41 of the 50 state leaders in the 2019 analysis.
Quinnipiac University in Connecticut was first on the “best of the best” state leader list, with a 96.1 percent employment placement rate.
Zippia used Department of Education College Scorecard data “and searched for the college in each state with the highest listed job placement numbers, looking specifically at employment levels at year 10 after students enrolled.”
Then, Zippia “sorted every college in the country from highest employment levels to lowest that had data on employment counts 10 years after graduating.”
Finally, Zippia “selected the college with the highest rate of employment in each state. For the purposes of readability, the top schools’ ratings were then rounded to two decimal places.”
It’s the third year Zippia has conducted this employment analysis. In 2017, SJU was recognized as the top school in Minnesota, with an employment placement rate of 96.40. Among the 50 state leaders, Saint John’s was second overall in 2017.
(Editor’s Query: With continual good news like this coming year after year, can someone please tell me why we have fewer-than-planned freshmen applying for SJU and CSB the last two years? Coupled with high satisfaction ratings given by current students, excitement for the famed Johnnie-Bennie Network for students and graduates, and one of the highest student retention rates among all our competitive colleges, this latest proof that our schools’ approach to liberal arts education absolutely works in the market place should prove to be a winner for any discerning prospective student.)
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The Chick Magnet —
Bernie Kukar ’62 was working out at the Edina YMCA the other day, when he noticed a shapely young woman checking him out. “Hmmm, nice…” he thought. “Do I know her?”
Bernie moved over to the free weights and, as he was doing some bicep curls, he noticed in the mirror that the same young woman had followed him over to that area and was watching him intently as he exercised.
Kind of pleased, Bernie walked past her to the abs crunching machine, giving her a little smile as he went by. She returned it with a very large, interested smile. Appreciating her form-fitting yoga pants and tight T-shirt, Bernie offered a safe, “I haven’t seen you here before; are you new to this Y?”
“Oh, I’ve been here a few times now and saw you working out,” she replied, then added, “My name’s Amber...I’m wondering, are you Bernie Kukar, the former star athlete at St. John’s?”
Bernie was pleasantly surprised, but humbly replied, “I don’t know about being a star but, yes, I played some sports at St. John’s.”
“And,” she continued, “Were you a referee in the NFL?”
“Yes,” said Bernie.
“And did you ref two Super Bowls?”
“Yes…yes, I did.”
“Well, Bernie — may I call you that? — I’m wondering if I could ask you a personal question?”
“Sure, Amber” he replied. “What is it?”
“I am wondering…” she hesitated, “Um…Are you married?”
“Yes, I am,” Bernie answered. “Happily married with great kids and grandchildren.”
“Oh, shoot!” she said, smile disappearing. “I was hoping to fix you up with my grandmother.”
(Editor’s Note: Somehow I think I’ll be buying Bernie a beer or two for this one.)
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SJU, Erdmann, Greenheck ranked high in preseason polls —
Johnnies ranked #3 in three preseason Top 25 polls. Go here to see the entire list. [ https://www.d3football.com/top25/2019/preseason ]. You’ll note that SJU-3, U$T-7 and Bethel-10 are all in the Top Ten, with UW-Whitewater-4 and North Central-5 ranked there as well…half of the the Top Ten are in the Midwest., with three from the MIAC. As expected, Mary Hardin-Baylor and Mount Union are #1 and #2 respectively. Go here for for information on SJU’s ranking:
Jackson Erdmann and Dan Greenheck were named to the 2019 Preseason All-America offensive team. Josh Parks (who briefly attended SJU before transferring) was named as a running back for U$T. Mount Union had four players named, two on offense and two on defense. To see the entire list of preseason All-American’s go here: https://www.d3football.com/awards/all-americans/2019-preseason
Here is the link to the news article giving more information about Jackson and Dan: https://gojohnnies.com/news/2019/8/16/erdmann-greenheck-receive-d3football-com-preseason-all-america-honors.aspx
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Physics Majors’ Corner —
You Might Be A Physics Major ...
if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
if you think in "math."
if you have a pet named after a scientist.
if you can translate English into Binary.
if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
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From Collegeville to the Tokyo Dome —
By Frank Rajkowski
John Stanton ’10 came to Saint John’s with a passion for football. His interest in Japanese culture grew during his time on campus. And he had no idea the two would intersect in such long-standing fashion post-graduation.
“I was getting ready to move to Japan in a few weeks,” recalls Stanton, who first worked as an English conversation instructor there following his final football season in 2010.
“And (a family friend in California), who himself was a high school coach in the area and the father of my high school teammate, asked me if I intended to stay involved in football,” added the linebacker, who led the Johnnies in tackles in both 2009 and ’10.
“I told him of course I was interested, but in my mind I had told myself my football career was over. A ‘time to join the real world’ type of introspection. This friend told me he knew a guy who was playing in Japan who was a few years older than me, and that if I was interested in learning more about it that he would put us in touch.”
Read More: https://www.csbsju.edu/news/john-stanton-2019
(Editor’s Note: John’s dad, Clark, sent in John and Sayuri’s wedding reception video for sharing with UUN readers. It’s a blast.)
Fellow Johnnies,
Thought I would share this video from John’s wedding reception in Tokyo. I’m sure it will raise many questions for you (Japanese wedding receptions are different from anything you’ve ever experienced). The wedding itself was comparatively boring - in a Japanese Catholic church with a rigorously enforced no photography rule.
It was quite entertaining and a lot of fun; it may spur travel from Minnesota to Japan! https://youtu.be/nHgfJaz18rM
Oh, and John’s still playing football - just scored the winning touchdown on a fourth down pass play in the semifinals of the spring Pearl Bowl (the Japanese have a spring season).
Here’s the picture of the Johnnies at the wedding.
At top, Matt Magnan ‘10, Greg Sowden ‘09, and Bobby Klint ‘10
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Quote of the Day —
I used to think that marriage was a 50 - 50 proposition ... until I realized that I knew nothing about women or fractions. -- Walter McLauren
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Wicker’s Health Rant —
Side effects of Genetically Altered Food
1) Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.
2) You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.
3) Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.
4) The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.
5) Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
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Interpersonal Relations —
This Tommie is like a real uptight guy, uncomfortable in his own skin. He has a hard time relating to people, you know the type, right?
So he's in Half Price Books, sees a book called "How to Hug", so he thinks, "Yes, this could really help me."
He buys it, takes it home, starts to read it, and darned if isn't Volume Eight of an encyclopedia!
* * * *
On Choosing The Right Doctor —
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
* * * *
The Last Word —
A guy at a bar got so drunk, he fell off his stool and vomited all over his shirt. Getting up, he says to the bartender: “Oh no, my wife will start a fight when I get back because now she will know I drank too much.”
The bartender puts $10 into the man’s shirt pocket and says: “Just tell her that it was someone else who vomited on you and in apologies gave you money for dry cleaning.” The man is happy and goes home.
Back home, the man’s wife opens the door and seeing his shirt, she starts yelling: “You were at the bar again…” but the man stops her in her tracks and says: “Yes, I did go to the bar and had just one beer when this other drunk vomited all over me. Check my shirt pocket, he apologized and even gave me $10 for dry cleaning.”
The woman hesitantly checks the pocket and exclaims: “But there’s $20 in here.”
“That’s because he also pooped my pants,” explains the man.
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Until next time,
GO JOHNNIES!
R. L. Wicker SJP ’60/SJU ’64
St. Paul, MN
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