UN #3-16
Dear Friends-in-Red,
It’s that time again...we’ve been waiting since last December for our boys to get back there on the field. It’s also time for the first real issue of this season’s Unofficial Underground News to hit cyberspace — the earlier two Newses last spring before and after the Canada trip were merely warm-ups. Now is when it counts.
In answer to two of the most commonly-asked questions at this time every year — (1) How long have you been putting out the Underground News?; and (2) How many people receive it? — this will be the somewhat official (or rather unofficial) 18th year since the UUN’s humble beginnings.
The reason I know that is in 1998 a horrific tornado whipped through St. Peter, MN, laying waste to a great deal of the town and really messing up the Gustavus Adolphus campus. For a year or two previous to that heart-breaking event I was collecting and forwarding, mostly to classmates and a few other Johnnies, some classic examples of tasteless humor. But after that tornado many of us were quite concerned about the welfare of our classmate/friend Dick Martin ’64 and his wife Kathie. Dick was chair of the Psychology Department at GAC at the time and Kathie worked in the college library; they lived adjacent to the north side of campus in a lovely new home. We were all worried about them and couldn’t find out their status because telephone and power lines were down and the town was closed off.
Thankfully I was able to contact their son John ’91 who told me how he snuck (or sneaked for traditionalist readers) through the back roads to avoid the roadblocks and found his parents safe and their home unscathed. He said that the tornado was heading right for their house when it inexplicably took a right turn and headed down the hill, ravaging the town. It was in reporting this news to our list of maybe 30-40 people that the UUN (before it was called that) morphed from cyber-trash distribution to incorporating more and more SJU/CSB-related news and gossip to an ever-growing list of readers. However, if you count the humor-oriented mailings prior to 1998, then this publication could be in existence around two decades. (Obviously I was a very, very young man when this started.)
Which brings us to Question #2: How many UUN recipients (as opposed to readers) are there? And the answer each year is “I really don’t know.” Because of AOL’s arcane rules for emails and spam, I must maintain six smaller lists totaling nearly 1,500, but I know that there is sizable pass-through readership that no doubt adds hundreds for which I am grateful. One thing, though, that has never ceased to amaze me is how many readers do not forward their issues to SJU-CSB family others, as in brother to brother(s)/sister(s), SJU fathers to SJU son(s)/daughter(s) and vice versa, uncles to nephews, cousins, very close classmates, parents of players to other parents, etc., etc. This year folks, if you fall into that category, please hit “Forward” to your family and friends. Don’t be stingy with the Johnnie Love.
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Are You Ready For Some Football!?! —
Well, whether you’re ready or not is immaterial — the season starts with a bang this upcoming Saturday in Collegeville at 1 pm with a preseason game against St. Scholastica, coached by SJU’s own Kurt Ramler ’97.
Kurt is beginning his third season as head coach of the Saints; in his first two undefeated regular seasons he continued his team’s string of winning the last five Upper Midwest Athletic Conference (UMAC) titles. However, it’s your basic big fish in a small pond scenario. This is never more apparent than when the Saints annually get clobbered in their first game in the NCAA Division III tournament. Last year, though, his team lessened the level of defeat a little bit against the Johnnies than in earlier crushing play-off losses against St. Thomas, Bethel and UW-Oshkosh. So they are showing some improvement each year. Kurt’s goal for his team in 2016: Besides winning the UMAC yet again, he wants the Saints to win a D-III play-off game.
According to a short news article I read, Kurt thinks the Saints are on the verge of that, that his familiarity with the team and theirs with him is paying dividends this preseason. “I really like the seniors understanding just what we expect. It’s their program.These are the tenets, this is how it’s going to go, and then they run with it.”
Okay, then...best of luck to Kurt and his Saints this season, but I don’t think his boys will do too much against the Johnnies in this opening game for both teams. This is the first time in their history that the Saints will face a ranked team during the regular season, a difficult cliff to scale. Yet, that’s why these non-conference games are valuable — the Johnnies get to see how their new first-stringers and transfer players produce under real-time conditions while St. Scholastica will see how they stand up to a dominant team in the much stronger MIAC.
I’m not a betting man, but if I was — based on past differences in strength and depth between the UMAC and the MIAC (and last year’s 35-7 SJU play-off victory) — I’d bet our defense will stifle the Saints, allowing 10 points or less, while our offense — depending upon whether Gary and Jim want to air it out a bit or give our ground game most of the work — should put up between 31 and 41 points. It wouldn’t be very Johnnie-like to pour it on another Johnnie, so I’d hate to see SJU score into the high 50s, although unfortunately that’s how a team gets noticed by the pollsters for post-season seeding, e.g., St. Thomas and Glenn Caruso running it up at every opportunity, the hell with sportsmanship. One possible scenario would be for Gary to unleash the full force of the offense in the first half to see what we can really do, and then give needed work to the rest of the bench in the second half. Kurt, especially when coach at Carleton, was notable for his creative play calling and gadget stuff, so it should be fun to see what he pulls (or tries to pull) against us.
[Editor’s Query: Is anyone opting to travel to Eau Claire this weekend to take in the UST vs UW-EC game? UUN readers would love to get some feedback/scouting report from eyewitnesses.]
* * * *
A Look At The Competition —
Two St. Scholastica Saints football players were strolling back to campus after a practice session when one asked the other, “Isn’t there a guy name Tiger Wood? Isn’t he famous or something?”
The other replied, “I think he’s a golfer.”
“Oh yeah, that’s the one. Does he have a brother named Fire? And is his brother in jail somewhere?”
“I dunno...why do you ask?”
“Because I just saw a sign that says, “FREE FIRE WOOD.”
* * * *
Preseason Polls —
Speaking of rankings, which we sort of did a few paragraphs earlier, the D3Football.com preseason poll has St. John’s ranked #9 with Mt. Union, Linfield, UW-Whitewater and St. Thomas #s1-4 respectively. Concordia and Bethel also got some votes but they are not ranked. Take a look at the Top 25 here: [http://www.d3football.com/top25/2016/preseason]
Back here in Minnesota the MIAC coaches picked St. Thomas to win the football title with St. John’s in second place. They selected the other teams to finish 3rd through 9th in this order: Bethel, Concordia, Gustavus, Augsburg, Hamline, Carleton and St. Olaf.
* * * *
2016 SJU Football Schedule
(All games begin at 1 pm)
Sept. 3 St. Scholastica Collegeville
Sept. 10 Buena Vista Univ. Storm Lake, IA
Sept. 17 St. Olaf - Homecoming Collegeville
Sept. 24 St. Thomas Collegeville
Oct. 1 Bethel Arden Hills
Oct. 8 Augsburg Minneapolis
Oct. 15 Carleton - Fam. Wknd Collegeville
Oct. 22 Gustavus St. Peter
Oct. 29 Bye Week —
Nov. 5 Hamline Collegeville
Nov. 12 Concordia Moorhead
(Editor’s Personal Observation*: From both the team’s and a fan’s perspective this is kind of a lousy schedule, with the exception of hosting UST again this year. All the weakest teams play here and we must travel for all the more difficult ones, particularly Bethel and Concordia who always play us tough — no disrespect meant to Augsburg and Gustavus.
Given the fact that parking on campus will be a challenge this year, the inconvenience of road construction on I-94, the lower level of competitiveness for four of the five home contests, and the availability of video streaming, I foresee one of the lowest attendance years of the past ten or fifteen. We might even have trouble getting students to come out for the games, or if they do, stay past half time. Nobody want to sit through 50 to Zip games...unless it’s against St. Thomas, of course.
* = Meaning I could be full of it.)
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Johnnie Radio Network —
Football coverage:
660 AM WBHR “The Bear” - Sauk Rapids
*Covering central and northern Minnesota
740 AM WDGY - Hudson, Wis.
*Covering the Twin Cities and western Wisconsin
1170 AM KOWZ - Waseca
*Covering southern Minnesota and northern Iowa (hope as far as Storm Lake)
Johnnies Magazine and Pregame Show
-With Mark Lewandowski
*Two-hour show before kickoff (11 am for regular season)
Postgame Show
-With Mark Lewandowski, Bryan Backes ’87, Mike Carr ’77 and Charlie Carr ’03
*One-hour show immediately after each game
Football Weekly
-With Mark Lewandowski
*Broadcast live Wednesdays at 7 p.m. during the season. Available only on The Bear 660 AM.
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Live Video Streaming (1 pm Saturday): https://portal.stretchinternet.com/csbsju/ (Radio Pregame Show at this website at 11 am)
NOTE: Go to the above website for home soccer games, including at 3 pm this coming Saturday. As the weather turns colder, tune into The Bear 660 AM for all SJU basketball games and a majority of Johnnie hockey games throughout the winter.
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English Majors’ Corner — “How We Get Our Kicks” Department:
2nd Tommy Freshman to Fr. Hilary: “Father, what’s the difference between a predilection and a premonition?”
Fr. Hilary replied, “I love questions like that, and I had a feeling you were going to ask it.”
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What Our Coaches Are Saying —
Two Fridays ago nearly a couple hundred red-clad souls traveled to Sexton Commons to attend the annual Football Kick-Off Luncheon. It is always a fun prelude to the actual season where the hardcore fans mingle with the coaching staff and hope to get a preview of what’s & who’s new and what our prospects for the year are. In years past John Gagliardi would stand up for 15 minutes and throw out some of his new with some tried ‘n true one-liners to the appreciation of the Johnnie Faithful. Then he would sit down and the offensive and defensive coordinators, plus the head recruiter would give us some substance. (John was present for the lunch, by the way. He’ll be 90 later this fall; he’s hanging in there fairly well, although he’s using a walker for support these days.)
This time we got precious little of substance, almost like there was a news embargo, perhaps because the press was in the room. But nobody really told us much of anything. Afterward a bunch of us wondered aloud why the hell we paid $20 a pop for lunch and drove up from the Cities through all that traffic for that! Except that it’s also a fund-raiser for the football program so maybe we have to cut ‘em a little slack.
Here are some examples of the talk content:
Head Coach Gary Fasching ’82 said we have a great coaching staff, he’s excited about the prospects for the year and we’ve got good players. He said the competition’s tough in the MIAC again this year and we can expect a tough game against St. Scholastica in our first game. — Yawn, Ho-hum.
Offensive Coordinator Jim Gagliardi ’89 said he starting his 25th year in coaching this season; he and his family are very proud of Boz Bostrum’s ’95 new book, “A Legacy Unrivaled: The Story of John Gagliardi.” Jim said that a lot of things have been written about John but this book really captures who the man is best of any of them. He wrapped up by saying we have “some good guys on offense but we’ll just have to find the right mix.” — That's it? WTF?
Standing in for Defensive Coordinator Jerry Haugen ’76 who was off attending a family wedding was assistant coordinator Brandon Novak ’00. Although Brandon didn’t get into too many specifics at least he threw out some info, which he delivered with great bravado: e.g., we have an experienced defensive squad of 14 seniors and 17 juniors back on defense, led by D3football.com Preseason All-Americans linebacker Carter Hanson and D-lineman Peyton Thiry. He said that on our entire team, both sides of the ball, we have 29 seniors who provide leadership. What he did say that fired up some of us is that — while pointing to Joe Mucha ’66 who played on two National Championship teams and whose ’65 squad only allowed 27 points all year! — he and the 2016 defense are planning to beat that record...maybe handily by not allowing ANY points at all. — Okay, perhaps a bit outre (if you’re not an English or French major, look it up). But at least he gave us something to get excited about.
Recruiting Coordinator Damien Dumonceaux ’05 didn’t say too much either but dropped these little nuggets: The team is a bit smaller this year but still numbers around 190. We have 67 freshmen coming from all over the U.S., not just Stearns County, Central Minnesota and the Twin Cities. Dumo said they find us and we find them over the Internet. What they have in common is that they are good men who can run, plus they are kids who want to compete. “Speed helps,” he added.
Chris and I ’60/’65 sat at a heavily “Prep grad” table with John Sipe ’61/’65, Bill Marrin ’61/’65, Tom ’60/’64 and Lynn McKasy, Ron Tomczik ’65, Raj Chaphalkar ’08 (Director of Annual Giving), Bob Dumonceaux ‘61 (who taught and coached wrestling at SJP when we were there and is recently retired as SJU Regents Professor of Mathematics), and his youngest son Damien (Dumo) Dumonceaux ’01/’05. Damien had his firstborn heir, Fisher, with him and Grandpa Bob while wife Patti ’05 was at work. Dumo proudly pointed out that his 16th-month old son was the biggest kid in day care.
Ron T. took the opportunity at table to pump Dumo for some more info about recruiting. What he learned is, in this order: Speed is the first thing SJU is looking for; next is the prospect able to handle our academics; third, do they have an innate work ethic, including being self-driven in the weight room, for instance. Lastly, Dumo says the deal killer is if the prospect wants to come to SJU just to play football — “we just won’t recruit them.”
Editorially we might add that Dumo and the rest of his recruitment team (including Gary Fasching) have done a tremendous job the past three years in nabbing some fine scholar/athletes, always getting more than our fair share of the cream of the Minnesota crop. In an attached photo, Dumo, at left, and Gary, at right, pose with six 2016 Minnesota All-Stars who are now freshmen at St. John’s. They are, from left: Goodhue defensive back/wide receiver Sam McNamara; Ottertail Central defensive back/wide receiver Andrew VanErp; Faribault Bethlehem Academy linebacker/running back Peyton Glenzinski; Monticello offensive/defensive lineman Tyler Otto; Cretin-Derham Hall defensive back/wide receiver Christopher Perry; and Albany linebacker/running back Will Kleinschmidt. (Rumor has it that Chris Perry might even start as a defensive back, a rarity for a frosh at St. John’s.)
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Battle Between The Sexes (a continuing series) —
From Nellie Klein ’60, St. Cloud, MN —
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
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Tailgating, Parking and All The Rest —
While the construction of the new Student Learning Center and Library remodeling is quite exciting and will eventually prove most valuable to future generations of St. John’s and St. Ben’s students, as it’s going up we’ll have a season of tailgate disruption and parking scarcity. The Science Lot 1 has been taken out of service and when construction is completed next year, the lot’s size will be greatly diminished. Science Lot 2 is being utilized for other parking purposes and also will not be in service for football games this year.
However, until some other surfaces are prepared/paved/etc., the Administration worked diligently over several months to give us a temporary tailgate space while trying to avoid inconveniencing on-campus students and their parking needs. Their decision is to reserve about half of the Flynntown Parking Lot as a tailgate site and first-come, first-served parking lot for Saturday home games. That half lot is fairly close to the same number of spaces in Science Lot 1, but the Science Lot 2 spaces cannot be replicated. This means that many visitors who used to park fairly close to Clemens Stadium will now find they will either have to “hoof” it or take the shuttle buses from the parking fields.
Hardcore tailgaters, certainly an interesting sub-group, usually arrive fairly early and should find a space — we’ll see how it goes this Saturday. The school is providing some of the amenities we’ve come to appreciate in past seasons: a porta-potty or two; trash and recycling bins; a couple red tents; a serving table. Our gratitude to John Young ’83 (Assoc. VP-Development), Troy Fritz ’88 (Exec. Dir.for Major Gifts), and Adam Herbst ’99 (Dir. of Alumni Relations) among others for working for a suitable temporary solution for Johnnie fans..
The primary tailgate site, where Judge Mike Fahey ’75 sets up his little grills and lays out his supplies, will be along the top part of the Flynntown Lot nearest the entrance from the County highway and in the corner closest to the stadium (I hope that makes sense to those who’ve never been there. No matter...by the time you get there, whether as a parker or as a walker passing by from the fields, you’ll see it.) It is our hope that all kinds of folks, including those who normally haven’t participated in the tailgates, will stop in whether they are parked there or not to catch the Johnnie Spirit — it’s contagious in a good way. The consumption of alcohol is tolerated under conditions of tact, neatness, discrete use of plastic cups with bottles and cans kept largely hidden from view and never taken away from the immediate tailgate venue. Rowdiness, loud noise/music and littering is frowned upon by Campus Security who will be keeping an eye on the proceedings. Many people bring items to share at the common table but don’t let the lack of such contributions stop you from experiencing some true alumni-induced Benedictine hospitality and good cheer. You can always drop a small contribution in the jar Mike uses for replenishing funds for the next games.
The entrance to the Flynntown Lot is located just before the LINK intercampus Flynntown bus stop, off to the right as you drive to the main campus. The Alumni Relations Department will put up a sign directing people to the lot. I don’t know how they will hold up people when the lot is full...it could mean a lot of people having to turn around and go back to the fields unless some attendants are using walkie-talkies or something. The real problems will develop when there are competing events on campus during a game day.
Parking is surely one headache that the school doesn’t need. Lots are terribly expensive to build and deciding where to put them for user convenience often is at odds with campus expansion projects and green space, i.e., Science Lot 1. Ramps are even worse. There’s not much excitement for a donor to bestow funds for parking when there are more important facilities to build and endowments to grow, making it all the more difficult to raise the necessary funding.
On top of everything else there is more of the seemingly never-ending I-94 construction going on, reducing to one lane in each direction from around St. John’s entrance south to well past the St. Joe exit, about four or five miles. For those coming to campus from the south, whatever time you usually take, allow another half hour to account for traffic slowdowns and finding new parking spots. It’s going to be a long year, fan-wise.
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Thus Speaketh The Football Whisperer —
The Whisperer has been very active, talking to many coaches and players, visiting with parents, observing numerous practices and researching the internet for those tidbits that are not being observed by others.
So what are some of those TIDBITS?
We are down to six quarterbacks. In the past few years, we have had as many as 18. We absolutely cannot be riddled by injuries at the QB position. None of the six have any real college experience. We need quick learners, who will play with a lot of intelligence on the field. Gunnar Anderson (Sr, #12), Matt Miedtke (Jr, #4), Ben Alvord (So, #14), Jackson Erdmann (Fr, #3), Jackson Thennis (Fr, #18) and recently added Taylor Fourre (Fr, #10) make up the group. Jackson Erdmann has now been named starting QB for Saturday’s game.
The offensive line (OL) is coming together. Even though we lost a few lineman, we do have experience at a number of positions. The OL coaches like our new recruits and the Whisperer has observed freshman Dan Greenheck (Cretin) and Tyler Otto (Monticello) holding their own against our experienced defense. The addition of offensive line coach Mike Magnuson ’90 (six year Cretin OL coach) will significantly accelerate the development of the younger OL members.
The running game suffers a great loss with Sam Sura moving on but our running game might be the surprise on offense. We have a few outstanding returning veterans and the transfer additions (Derek McLaughlin, (Andover, UMD) and Adam Essler (New-London Spicer, Concordia) should make this a real good group.
One of our team strengths is the receiving corps. We have three outstanding veteran tight ends (Dunbar, Streit, Auger), and a number of excellent wide receivers with great hands, fast and smart. This group will allow us to open up things on offense.
The defensive coaches are very, very optimistic. Many returning veterans that include two preseason All-Americans (Hanson and Thiry). At a few positions we are not the biggest but will be the fastest group in the MIAC. They have the skills and experience and are ready to go. Look for a few more surprises from this group.
Kicking is a strength. Seniors Griffin Toomey (Punting) and Alexi Johnson (Extra Points and Field Goals) are the best duo in the MIAC.
Breaking News! A recent picture of Clemens Field [see attached photo] shows that the Abbey Church Banner is not in alignment with the south goal posts. The Whisperer has learned that a blue ribbon committee (President’s office, Trustees, Monastery, Sports, Physics Department) is trying to answer the question, ‘Should the Banner be moved to the East or the entire football field complex be moved west to get the goal posts and Abbey Church Banner in alignment? No date has been set for the completion of the committee’s work. Some day in the future, our place kickers will be able to visualize kicking the ball over the banner. The Whisperer will keep you up-to-date on the committee’s progress.
Finally, The Whisperer will be on his annual scouting trip to the Pacific Northwest. Visits to currently ranked top 25 teams Linfield and Whitworth are on the itinerary. Always fun to see if the Western teams are as good as billed.
P.S. At press time, it still has not been determined if Russian St. Thomas students have hacked the Whisperer’s email and scouting databases.
(Editor’s Comment: Man, are we lucky to have the Football Whisperer on our crack staff. There is no other Underground Newses around that can boast such fearless, insightful coverage. He’s really worth all the subscription fees our readers hand over.)
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SJU-CSB: See What You Get For Your Money —
From Paul Hamann ’63, Edina, MN
Hi Bob, Wayne Hergott [’57] asked for these, then I sent them to John Sipe [’61-’65] for the Lunch Bunch. Maybe something for the Newsletter? I wouldn't be surprised if you already had these links. Look at the company we keep:
http://new.money.com/money/best-colleges/rankings/best-colleges/ We're #25
Another....http://new.money.com/money/best-colleges/rankings/most-affordable-private-colleges/ we're #8
Finally....http://new.time.com/money/best-colleges/rankings/best-liberal-arts-colleges/ we're #3
SJU appears to be doing very well in some things beyond D3 football. Go Johnnies! — Paul
(Editor’s Note: Our partner college, St. Ben’s, also scored high nationally in each of these three rankings: “Best Colleges” - #47; “50 Most Affordable Private Colleges” - #21; and “50 Best Liberal Arts Colleges” - #11.
By way of snarky comparison it should be noted that our archrival came in at #193 for “Best Colleges” and didn’t make either of the other two lists. Still, they are able to “buy” certain athletes each year. And this year proved to be no exception with their questionable scholarship and financial aid packages. Too bad they aren’t so generous with other, non-football playing, deserving students — maybe with some sharpened ethics they might move up in the rankings.)
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An “Earthy” Collaboration of the French, Biology and Theology Departments —
(Contributed by Suzie Gooding, wife of Bruce ’69, Durham, NC)
A young cook decided the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits, thus he decided to raise rabbits in Paris to sell to the restaurants in the city.
He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.
Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have use of a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. The cook was able to successfully raise a number of rabbits; when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurateur asked him where he got such plump, fresh rabbits. The young entrepreneur answered proudly that he produced them himself.
When queried further about exactly where he raised them, he replied, “I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.”
* * * *
Bits & Pieces —
* Buena Vista Tailgate Alert! Steven Peters ’93, a CPA in Storm Lake, IA, is hosting an SJU tailgate party for the game there on September 10, two Saturdays from now. He’s trying to rally all the Johnnies and Bennies in that area of Iowa to attend and has another local alum who will be co-hosting the event. This is a preliminary announcement; stay tuned next issue for details of time, location and other matters...but if you plan to go, please put this on your calendar. Steve’s email is Steve@rosenecpa.com if you need to contact him for any reason before the next UUN.
(Editor’s Additional Comment: Whereas I’ll be out of Minnesota for this first game against the Saints, I plan to attend the Buena Vista game, spending the night before the game...”Yay--Road trip!” I’ve been told there will not be a chartered Johnnie Fan Bus so I hope that we still can draw a representative number of fans waving Johnnie Red and loudly supporting our team.)
* New Book On John Now Available. Warren “Boz” Bostrom ’95, former player for John Gagliardi, a CPA who worked at some of the best known accounting firms in the world, and currently an associate professor of accounting and finance at CSB-SJU, has written the “definitive” book on his mentor, friend, and co-teacher of the most popular course on campus: “Leadership Lessons with John Gagliardi.” Indeed, much of the book details highlights from a year in that class jammed with an equal number of fortunate Johnnies and Bennies. It also illustrates John’s extraordinary success in coaching and inspiring over 2,000 young Johnnies over 60 years through many memories, photos and letters sent to Boz for this work.
The book, entitled “A LEGACY UNRIVALED: The Story of John Gagliardi” is available at the St. John’s Bookstore; you can also visit the book’s website and order it there: http://www.legacyunrivaled.com or you can order it through Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Unrivaled-Story-John-Gagliardi/dp/168134016X
From Boz’s website I see there are two events celebrating the book’s release: September 7 from 6 to 8 pm at the Great Hall in Collegeville, and on September 8 from 5 to 9 pm at Jax Cafe, 1928 University Avenue NE, Minneapolis. I’ve read it (or rather Chris read it to me as I drove to and from Duluth two weekends ago); it’s a fine book and, although John isn’t coaching any longer, I’d advise Johnnie and Bennie alums to pick up a copy or two (or more) for young people they hope will attend our two schools, since Boz shows so well, through John’s actions and ideas, just how special our two schools remain.
* Once Again, Most Fans. SJU lead NCAA Division III in football attendance for the 19th time, 14th in last 15 seasons in 2015. In 7 games we had a total of 53,372 in attendance, or an average of 7,625. The next closest was UW-Whitewater with 36,734 in 6 games, for an average of 6,122. In the Top Ten Div. III Attendance leaders Concordia-Moorhead was in 6th place, in 5 games averaged 4,339, while coming in at tenth was St. Thomas in 9 games averaged 3,931.
The Johnnie totals were aided by the annual "Johnnie-Tommie" game last Sept. 26, which drew the largest recorded football attendance in NCAA Division III history with an announced crowd of 17,327 spectators. The crowd eclipsed the previous record of 16,421 at the 2010 Johnnie-Tommie game. That game alone attracted more fans than the cumulative season totals for 224 teams in Division III, 104 teams in Division II, and 19 Football Championship Subdivision (FCS) programs.
St. Thomas’s attendance numbers were enhanced by a crowd of 8,025 in the second round of the play-offs last November against the Johnnies who brought a huge number of fans for that game in St. Paul.
* Unfinished Business. As I’m about to head to New York early tomorrow for an extended Labor Day Weekend visit with my younger daughter, I’m under pressure to get this issue out. I still have to mow the lawn and get a haircut today so there’s a lot of material that will have to wait until next time.
For instance, Mike O’Connor ’57 sent me a cute picture with a little story that I want to share next time, as well as a couple interesting things former Vikings coach Bud Grant said earlier this summer at the Grant-Gagliardi 1976 Memory Tour. Then I’ve got a couple more stories to add to Boz’s John memories, a few obits to mention, and finally I want to get back to my notes on Gary Fasching’s visit to the Lunch Bunch in early August where he was a lot more forthcoming about this year’s team than what he shared at the Kick-Off Lunch. However, when I return I’ll still be under pressure to get out the next issue because of my short week. It never ends. Please send some jokes.
* I Finally Did It. After about four or five years of grinding my teeth about the exorbitant cost of an Internet subscription to the St. Cloud Times and, thanks to the advice of Damien Dumonceaux and Tom Linnemann ’00 about “deleting my cookies,” I’ve managed to report on our football and other sports’ successes without shelling out any dough. But this year the Times and its larcenous parent Gannet Company offered me a drop-dead deal that I decided to accept. True, it’s only for a year, but it’s for a lovely $9.99 annual fee — as opposed to their regular $12 PER MONTH Digital fee. I took it because I want to be sure Frank Rajkowski and others at the Times keep their jobs in these hard times in the newspaper biz. At this reasonable charge I encourage many others of you to subscribe also. I’m assuming that Gannet may offer another low-ball fee to keep us after our year’s subscription ends, but in the meantime jump on it, folks. Here’s how to do it for St. Cloud Times Digital only: call 1-877-424-4921and tell the lady you want to subscribe to the special digital rate of $9.99 for one year, promotion code: W -- #N (I found out the promotion code is important, as is the hyphen or dash, so don’t forget that.)
* * * *
Go Air Force! —
(From Joe Ness SJP ’61, Bayfield, WI)
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "That's a good looking baby— and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
* * * *
School of Theology Ecumenical Corner:
Jewish Mother Department —
MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Oy! I have the only telephones in the whole world in my basement and STILL you don’t call?!?”
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime.”
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.
* * * *
THE FINAL WORD —
(Contributed by Paul Carlson SJP ’60, Minnetonka, MN)
Three Wishes —
A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods.. Searching for his ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on his head and golf ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.
“Arrgh! What happened?” the Leprechaun asked.
“I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,” the golfer says.
“Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddye want?”
“Thank God, you're all right!” the golfer answers in relief. “I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.” And the golfer walks off.
“What a nice guy,” the Leprechaun says to himself. “I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.”
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
“Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,” the little guy says. “I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?”
“My game is fantastic!” the golfer answers. '”'m an internationally famous golfer now.” He adds, “By the way, it's good to see you're all right.”
“Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, ye know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?”
“Why, it's just wonderful!” the golfer states. “When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro bills I didn't even know were there!”
“I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?”
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, “It's OK.”
“C'mon now,” urged the Leprechaun, “I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?”
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, “Once, sometimes twice a week.”
“What?!?” responds the Leprechaun in shock. “That's all? Only once or twice a week?”
“Well,” says the golfer, “I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”
* * * *
Issue 1 is a wrap...let’s go out for a beer. I’m sorry to miss the unveiling of this year’s team against St. Scholastica. All I can do is wait to read the game accounts on the SJU Football and St. Cloud Times websites from some high promontory in the Catskills. But even from there I can say with great authority:
G O J O H N N I E S! De-Halo the Saints (or something like that)
* * * *
Respectfully submitted,
Bob/Rob Wicker SJP ’60/SJU ’64, St. Paul, MN
theowick@aol.com; 612-414-4643
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