Whew! We climbed the first plateau. UUN #12-24
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(Production note: My apologies for the lateness of this week’s newsletter; it’s been a full week for me, plus, since we’re not playing, the pressure on me has been alleviated somewhat. Also, by this time of the year I begin the annual burnout.)
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Dear Relieved Cardinal & Blue Fans —
Yowzers! What a game…a chewing-on-fingernails kind of game. A sweaty-hands kind of game.
Back and forth…two talented team just having at each other, each using their strengths and stash of talent to eke out tenuous advantage throughout. And ultimately St. John’s prevailed, but in a much closer contest than back in September.
St. John's football players celebrate with coach Gary Fasching ’81, center, after the Johnnies beat Bethel 41-33 on Saturday to clinch the MIAC championship. (Photo by Josh Johnston )
It’s not that I’m lazy, but I have utilized some help in describing what went on last Saturday up at Clemens Stadium, and found that Patrick Reusse’s column written immediately after the game summarized the action so well that I felt it must be shared (despite knowing that many Twin Cities-area fans have already read it). I’ll share some additional thoughts about the game after Patrick’s excellent piece:
Reusse: In entertaining fashion, St. John’s outscores Bethel for MIAC football championship
St. John’s Aaron Syverson passed for five touchdowns in a game that turned into a second-half shootout.
By Patrick Reusse, The Minnesota Star Tribune, November 16, 2024
COLLEGEVILLE, MINN. – The MIAC football schedule called for conference play to start on Sept. 28. The matchups included St. John’s visiting Bethel, an early test for the league’s two power programs.
The Johnnies arrived with Aaron Syverson as a fourth-year starter at quarterback. Bethel would be rolling with Cooper Drews, a sophomore transfer from St. John’s who had not thrown a collegiate pass.
The action was competitive for a time on that sunny Saturday, then St. John’s pulled away for a 45-20 victory. Yet, there was a strong conviction that there was not a four-touchdown difference in the overall strength of these two teams.
The MIAC went to a division system after St. Thomas’ departure in fall 2021 and there was a probability of a rematch on what’s called “championship week.” St. John’s ran through the competition, tested only once at Concordia. Bethel did the same — with an easier win last week at Concordia.
So there it was Saturday — St. John’s vs. Bethel — and there was nothing comfortable about this 41-33 Johnnies victory on their home turf.
“I was hoping it wouldn’t be a shootout,” St. John’s coach Gary Fasching said. “It wasn’t that in the first half, but it turned into one at the finish.”
No kidding, Coach: Johnnies 13-9 in the first half, 28-24 in the second.
When it was over, Bethel had 411 yards and St. John’s 410. Syverson was a tremendous 32-for-44 for 419 yards and five touchdowns, but he also was sacked eight times.
Drews went 32-for-49, with an interception, 274 yards and four touchdowns. Eight games later, he wasn’t the same quarterback the same college novice encountered in September.
Yet, in the end it was Syverson, it was his dynamic receivers Dylan Wheeler and Marselio Mendez, and it was Johnnies getting to 10-0 by responding when they had to.
Syverson is a 6-foot slinger (looks taller in uniform) who spent two years as an unplayed walk-on at Colorado State, arrived here in 2021, broke a leg during his first season, seemed to have a QB clock that needed improvement, but has gotten better to the point that he’s an all-time Johnnies great at a position where they have had many.
It was more than numbers with him in 2024, although the numbers are fantastic:
He holds the MIAC record in conference games for 300-yard passing games (16), career touchdowns (109), pass completions and attempts (692 for 996) — and Saturday was his sixth MIAC 400-yard passing game.
Throw in the non-conference games, he has 919 completions and 139 touchdowns.
There could not have been many TD throws better than in the middle of the third quarter, after Bethel had cut the lead to 20-16. Syverson had just been sacked and St. John’s was second-and-14 at Bethel’s 38.
The quarterback was moving right and there were Royals in hot pursuit. The 5-8 Mendez was cutting through the end zone. Syverson gave the ball a fling and it landed in the speeding Mendez’s mitts as if thrown by vintage Tom Brady.
OK, at least vintage Max Brosmer.
Mendez, a Cretin-Derham Hall mighty mite, spent two seasons playing junior college in Wahpeton, N.D. And now he has been a starter for two seasons with Syverson. He caught two TDs and his partner Wheeler had three on Saturday.
“One of my best points as a receiver is making a quick double cut to get open, and Aaron is great at seeing that,” Mendez said. “Find a little pocket in the defense and you’ll get the ball.”
Over the past six games, Mendez has caught 39 passes for 748 yards and nine touchdowns.
“Five-eight and you can’t weigh 165” was a postgame comment to him.
Mendez smiled and said: “Kind of small but quick.”
As the Johnnies were enjoying an official MIAC championship, Bethel was left to lament misfortunes. The two great senior receivers, Joey Kidder and Micah Niewald, combined for 25 catches, 211 yards and three touchdowns, but Bethel was left to lament three lousy happenings:
First, Devin Williams, outstanding senior corner, was ejected on a questionable targeting call in the first quarter. That gave Syverson one fewer obstacle in finding a receiver while avoiding a substantial rush.
Second and third, the Royals cost themselves two possessions by muffing both a kickoff and a punt.
As it stands, Bethel is 8-2 (both losses to St. John’s) and should get an at-large berth in the D-III playoffs with a first-round game. St. John’s should be a No. 1 seed, with a bye and then a few home games if it can keep winning.
It’s unlikely Bethel and St. John’s would meet a third time, but if it were to happen, the Johnnies can forget the video from September and concentrate on the real Royals who showed up Saturday.
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1. About the game, our running game was practically non-existent, primarily due to Bethel’s prodigious defensive line, but mostly because of the Royals’ ultra-talented, strong and swift safety and punt/kick returner, sophomore #8 Matt Jung. This outstanding player was named to the D3football Defensive Team of the Week for his career high 16 tackles (ten solo), a forced fumble, and an amazing 84-yard kickoff return. Just think…we’ll have to face him for at least two more years. That’s along with his skillful sophomore quarterback, Cooper Drews. Can we get young Mr. Drews to enter the portal BACK to St. John’s?
2. Although the Bethel running game dwarfed ours, it still was contained fairly well by our defense. But one thing we kept hearing around us in the stands was how creative the Royals’ running scheme was, especially compared to ours. They used misdirection and fakery, while we just handed off to sophomore #33 Will Blakey and, whichever way he would run, Matt Jung was sure to be.
3. We did get creative in one very important aspect, though. Two (2!) times we lined up senior defensive lineman #97 Zack Frank (6’3”, 270) on offense as a tight end (ostensibly as a pass blocker) for third and long in Bethel territory. And two times he caught a pass for a crucial first down. More importantly, each of those drive-extenders led to a score.
4. While Jung was super for Bethel, our senior linebacker #3 Cooper Yaggie filled the same bill on our side. So much so that he, along with senior quarterback #6 Aaron Syverson, were both named as MIAC Offensive and Defensive Football Players of the Week. Cooper had 9 tackles, 8 solo, broke up two passes, and also forced a big fumble recovered by the opportunistic Jays. Finally he recovered the desperate onside kick by Bethel to cinch the close game. https://gojohnnies.com/news/2024/11/18/football-sju-trio-receives-miac-weekly-honors.aspx
A dramatic shot of a most advantageous fumble by Bethel grad student running back #26 Aaron Ellingson caused by SJU senior linebacker #3 Cooper Yaggie with assistance on the tackle by senior linebacker #39 DJ Myles (Photo by Josh Johnston).
5. And speaking of being opportunistic, this game was won in the trenches as the offenses seemed to cancel each other out. We held them on two fourth-and-short downs, stopping drives deep in our territory. We recovered a fumble on a punt return and a kickoff, that led to our scores each time. And, although we had twice as many penalties (8-45 vs 4-40), Bethel had two ill-timed 15-yarders that also ended with SJU points.
6. Although Syverson was sacked an embarrassing eight times, with one resulting in a safety, Aaron would pick himself up and usually throw a long pass for a first down or a touchdown the next play. He had yet another 400+ yard game; he was 32-44 for 419 yards and five touchdowns. Aaron is truly, hands down, one of the best, if not THE best, quarterback in Division III this season.
7. Even the NCAA is having some adjustment problems with its new NPI system of ranking teams. The D-III braintrust matched Bethel #28 with Coe #30, and named Coe as the host team. But later, after people started questioning why Bethel, with a slightly higher NPI rating than Coe, wasn’t the host, the NCAA quickly corrected its mistake and had to tell Coe they were traveling up to Arden Hills instead.
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After an unbeaten regular season, St. John’s — ranked No. 3 in the final regular-season poll — received a first-round bye in the field, which was expanded from 32 to 40 teams this year.
“Although it is nice to have a top seed and home field throughout, it is not a true bracket where 1 plays 40,” St. John’s coach Gary Fasching said. “In Division lll, the brackets are regionally based, so there are great teams scattered throughout the bracket. Our bracket is tough, there are no easy teams. We are happy to be in and representing St. John’s and the MIAC.”
The Johnnies (10-0) will play the winner of a first-round game between Wisconsin-La Crosse and UMAC champion Northwestern (St. Paul) in the second round in Collegeville, Minn., on Nov. 30. Both potential opponents are 7-3.
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Tommie Transportation —
The Tommie linebacker had been out drinking, so he took a bus home.
That may not seem like a big deal to you, but he’d never driven a bus before.
Go Johnnies!!
(Contributed by Conrad Macina, Landing, NJ)
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Junior receiver #2 Dylan Wheeler made this clutch catch for one of his three receiving touchdowns in our 41-33 win over Bethel (Photo by Josh Johnston).
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Game Recap and Box Score:
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Additional Quick Video —
SJU vs Bethel MIAC Championship: The Mini Movie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mg10qZllRbY
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Give SJU Day A Huge Success —
Although the final tally will not be ready for a few more days, preliminary results show that 1,502 donors gave $1,113,613 (yes, a million!) in this annual campaign to support Johnnie scholarships. The number of donors surpassed our 1,300 donor goal by quite a bit. Most impressive.
The campaign officially ended at midnight on Wednesday, November 20, but for those who want to contribute but were unable to by yesterday, here is how to make a gift supporting Saint John’s University students:
https://connect.csbsju.edu/register/sju_gift (select “Student Fund”)
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Pre-Med Majors Department, Practicing Humility Division —
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the important doctor.
"My local General Practitioner, Dr. Smith."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did Smith give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
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More Johnnies in the News —
SJU Trio Receives MIAC Weekly Honors
https://gojohnnies.com/news/2024/11/18/football-sju-trio-receives-miac-weekly-honors.aspx
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SJU's Conlin & Siefken Named CSC Academic All-District
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Johnnies Aim for Fifth-Straight Win Friday vs. St. Olaf
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SJU’s Fultz & Myles Collect MIAC Elite 22 Awards
https://gojohnnies.com/news/2024/11/21/football-sjus-fultz-myles-collect-miac-elite-22-awards.aspx
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Battle Between the Sexes —
A middle-aged American couple, a man and his wife, are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approached the husband saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband said, “She’s not for sale.”
After the disappointed Arab strolled away his indignant wife said angrily, “What took you so long to answer?”
Her husband replied, “I was trying to figure how to get 100 camels back home.”
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2024 Football Schedule —
(Games now and through the playoffs begin at 12:00 pm)
Sep. 7 Carthage (WI) Collegeville W 49-0
Sep. 14 Wartburg (IA) Collegeville W 35-13
Sep. 21 Bye —
Sep. 28 Bethel Arden Hills W 45-20
Oct. 5 Augsburg Collegeville W 45-20
Oct. 12 Concordia Moorhead W 38-31
Oct. 19 Carleton Northfield W 48-7
Oct. 26 Gustavus Collegeville W 34-0
Nov. 2 St. Scholastica Duluth W 70-0
Nov. 9 St. Olaf Collegeville W 55-6
Nov. 16 MIAC Week Collegeville W 41-33
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The Inventor —
This man went over to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He said to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," said the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle,” replied the inventor."
"A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asked the clerk.
"A farton,” replied the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," said the inventor, ”You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
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The game’s over, it's a sweet victory, and Piano Man blasts out over the field as teams, families and students intermingle. Thom Woodward ’70 explained that the song is played after home games in homage to the “last call” song played at Sal’s at closing time. Listen to Billy Joel singing his heart out…be sure to turn it up real loud, close your eyes, and place yourself in Clemens Stadium: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xONCQCD3-zU (Photo by John Sipe.)
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Around The MIAC, Week 10 — November 16
Championship Week:
(Editor’s Note: Yikes! I did not do well in predicting the scores within this Championship Week line-up.)
Macalester at St. Scholastica — (St. Scholastica by 25!) The Saints did win but it was a thriller 44-41 in overtime…who would have figured?
Hamline at Carleton — (Carleton by 35!) Carleton won but it wasn’t a runaway like I thought: Knights 21, Pipers 9.
Augsburg at St. Olaf — (Close but I'm leaning Augsburg.) St. Olaf spanked the Auggies pretty well, winning 41-28.
Concordia at Gustavus — (Cobbers by 45!) Where were the Cobbers who were supposed to destroy the Gusties? Concordia limped to a narrow win 17-13.
Bethel at St. John’s — (Closer than the first time but still SJU!) The Johnnies would not be denied despite a talented Bethel squad that wouldn’t go away. The second-half shootout ended with SJU ahead 41-33.
Other Games of Interest —
#17 Linfield at #16 Whitworth — (This is a biggie; both are undefeated in the NWC with 6-0 records and it comes down to the last game of the regular season…just like it should. The MIAC needs to consider this when they typically schedule Bethel and St. John’s at the front end of the season. Linfield not only beat Whitworth, they demolished them 31-7; but both are going into the playoffs.
#19 UW-Oshkosh at UW-River Falls — (Newly-fallen Oskhosh (from #9 to #19) still should have enough to take apparent flash-in-the-pan River Falls…but remember: this is the WIAC we’re talking about.) River Falls scored twice as many points over the Titans—28-14—proving once again that playing in the WIAC is not for sissies…or odds makers.
#8 UW-Platteville at UW-Stout — (Stout keeps knocking off the big ones, but Platteville, even at home? I don’t think so but one can always hope, otherwise UW-P wins the league title outright.) Platteville outlasted pesky unranked Stout 46-38 in a shoot-out, and gets to play Wartburg in the second round.
St. Thomas at Butler — (The Toms fly down—I hope they’re not being bused as a punishment for losing to Drake—to Indianapolis to play a team with an 8-2 overall record but also 4-2 in the Pioneer League, so tied with U$T. Probably the game will go to Butler but it should be close. Note: Both Drake and Butler teams are nicknamed the “Bulldogs” so we should call Drake the “Mongrels” and Butler the “Mutts”.) Well, the Mutts did in the Toms 36-20, for U$T’s third loss in a row. May we have a moment of silence for Glenn?
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Upcoming Games, Week 11 — November 23
First Round of the NCAA, Division III playoffs
- Games of Particular Interest, to me anyway
The following ranking numbers are the teams’ NPI ranking, not their d3football poll standing.
#81 Northwestern (MN) at #33 UW-La Crosse — (This will be one of those classic, first-round 55-0 blow-outs that we hate, with the UW-LC Eagles winning big.)
#30 Coe College at #28 Bethel— (I don’t know Coe this year, and they are pretty evenly ranked with Bethel in the NPI, but I think the Royals will roll all over them. )
#54 Pomona-Pitzer at #25 Whitworth — (Whitworth should win big.)
#35 Mary-Hardin Baylor at #34 Trinity (TX) — (Like the Coe-Bethel game, these two teams are really well matched; I have no idea who will survive but I’m thinking UMHB just doesn’t have much juju this year. Whoever it is will have to face #2 Hardin-Simmons in the second round.)
(NOTE: Here is the link to the entire Div. III NPI ranking through Nov. 16, 2024: https://stats.ncaa.org/season_divisions/18386/selection_rankings/current_rankings … and here is the link to the NCAA Div. III playoff bracket: 2024 Division III football playoff bracket )
Other Game of Minor Interest:
Dayton at St. Thomas — (With the weather getting nasty and the team 0-3 recently, expect maybe 750 Tommie fans out to root their 5-6 team on to yet another defeat to a slightly superior Dayton team.)
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(And speaking of turkeys...)
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Quote of the Week —
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."
-- E. B. White
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2024 D3football.com Week 11 Top 25 —
(This is the final Poll for the regular season.)
The Top 13 pretty much stayed intact this week, with Linfield jumping up three places to #14 after their decisive win over Whitworth, who dropped down from #16 to #22. #18 UW-La Crosse, #19 Johns Hopkins, and #20 Wheaton each rose two points themselves. #21 Bethel rose three points even after a defeat for looking so strong against #3 SJU. The Royals are starting to get some respect.
Springfield, John Carroll and Coe all inched into the bottom of the Poll, displacing former #19 UW-Oshkosh; #22 Marietta; #25 Brockport. Of significance also is that at the end of the regular season only two WIAC teams remained in the Top 25 — #7 UW-Platteville and #18 UW-La Crosse. However, UW-River Falls, UW-Stout, UW-Oshkosh and UW-Whitewater received votes. Unfortunately no MIAC teams received any votes…but we’ve got as many in the Top Group as the WIAC.
Top 25 through November 16, 2024:
https://www.d3football.com/top25/2024/week11
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More Scenes From Stearns County—
Norman Gondinger and Willis Moldenhauer, two carpenters from St. Cloud, were fixing a barn roof near St. Augusta when the wind blew their ladder over. "Oh great," said Norman, "How are we supposed to get down?”
"Vell," replied Willis, "I'll go to dis end and look for a way down, and you can go to da utter end and look for one too."
"Okay," replied the first carpenter as he went to investigate his end of the barn. He looked around but saw nothing close enough for him to climb on to get down from the roof. As he was searching, he saw Willis walking past on the ground.
Norman called out, "Hey, how did you get down?”
Willis looked up and said, "I yumped in a pile of manure on da utter side. It's about ankle-deep!"
So Norman hurried to the other side and jumped in the pile of manure and lands up to his neck in it.
He climbed out, disgusted, and caught up with Willis and asked, "Why did you tell me it was ankle deep? I landed in a pile of manure up to my neck!"
Willis shook his head and said, "You din't dive in head first?"
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From Our Readers —
From Sister Katherine Kraft OSB, retired professor of Theology, St. Benedict’s Monastery, St. Joseph, MN —
Dear Bob and Chris, re Bethel/Johnnie game. Quite a game – we knew it would be — it always is. I think UW-La Crosse will beat Northwestern.
I’m not really sure how many of our starters are injured and can’t play in the upcoming playoff. I don’t think our wide receiver Wheeler who injured himself seriously in a previous game played against Bethel. Menendez has come into his own. (Editor’s Quick Note: It was running back Caden Wheeler who is out for the season; Dylan Wheeler, the wide receiver, is alive and well, and caught three touchdown passes against Bethel. And yes, Marselio Mendez caught two TDs against the Royals last Saturday.)
Assume you saw the article by Patrick Reusse, long-time sports columnist in the Sunday Minnesota Star Tribune sports section. He knows the Johnnie’s football history well. Take care. A blessed Thanksgiving.
— S. Katherine, osb
P.S.— S. Lois [Wedl OSB] is on Cloud 9. The Bennie Volleyball team defeated St. Kate’s and is going on to a national tournament.
Congrats to our Bennie Volleyballers upon their MIAC Championship. They drew #11-ranked Washington U. for their first game at the regional tournament at Wartburg, IA, and lost in three very competitive sets.
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From Vic Murphy ’92, St. Paul, MN —
Really nice waking up to this in the paper. Tommies get a measly little corner…Johnnies have a quarter of the page.
(Editor's Note: Vic sent a photo of the newspaper layout but it's too big in byte size to reproduce. The photo is of Patrick Reusse's column plus a little blurb on the Tommies defeat.)
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The War Hero —
Earlier this fall (September) marked the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and we shouldn't let it pass without this story about the Royal Air Force hero. He was giving a talk at an upmarket girl's school about his time as a pilot in the Second World War.
"So there were two of the f***ers behind me, three f***ers to my right, and another f***er on the left," he told the young audience.
The headmistress went pale and interjected: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft."
Sir Douglas replied, "That is true, madam, but these f***ers were in Messerschmitts."
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Battle Between the Sexes, Two Quickies —
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.”
So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
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My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start, but I made it!
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Wicker’s Health Rant —
Health Basics: 10 Simple rules of thumb when shopping for healthy food
If health iconoclast Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. is confirmed by the U.S. Senate, he promises to raise havoc among those who produce and market the vast majority of American foodstuffs, as well as those bureaucrats who regulate those producers/marketers, since he is holding them all greatly responsible for the despicable level of our nation’s health, well-being and overall dietary choices.
Because of this portended disruption to the status quo, it’s doubtful he will be confirmed…too much money, lobbying prowess, corporate and institutional power brokering, and basic greed to overcome. But there is no denying there is a problem, and since it doesn’t look like the major players want to change their ways, it is up to us to take responsibility—for ourselves and our loved ones as much as we can— for our own health and especially food choices by simply avoiding the bad actors and products.
The demand for healthy food, especially organic, has grown by leaps and bounds over the past 30-plus years. Back in 1990, Americans spent only about $1 billion dollars on organic produce, but play it forward to 2024, and that expenditure jumped to more than $64 billion dollars. Of course, many processed foods that carry the label organic still contain loads of sugar, canola oil and other health-tainting ingredients, but organic whole foods are definitely the way to shop. Avoiding chemical pesticides and health-decimating herbicides (think glyphosate here) have become a top priority for natural health advocates around the globe.
You may be quite familiar with many or most of the simple rules of thumb listed below when shopping for healthy food, but it’s easy to forget them when you’re in a rush or shopping hungry. It’s best to eat a healthy meal or healthy snack before you go grocery shopping, to stave off those junk food cravings and the urge to buy some processed, easy food stuff that wrecks your gut, your energy, and your clear thinking.
Here are the 10 healthy eating basics
#1. If you can’t pronounce the ingredients, put the item back.
#2. If the list of ingredients is a mile long, don’t buy the product.
#3. If the product is advertised on television, forget about it (only huge corporations that cut corners on quality and adulterate food products can afford TV ad campaigns).
#4. If it contains canola oil, set it down (canola coagulates in the body and causes memory loss, rapid weight gain, and cancer over time).
#5. If the item is processed and prepared already, like at a food bar, and does not list the ingredients, don’t even think about it (think chicken salad, potato salad, coleslaw, etc.).
#6. If the fish label says “farm raised” that means Big Food most likely shot it up with hormones to make it bigger and antibiotics to stave off infection in the crowded tanks.
#7. Locally grown produce is usually clean, free from chemical pesticides and herbicides, especially at farmers’ markets where you can ask questions to the growers and their methods to be sure.
#8. Recipe shop – if you find products where the picture looks delicious, but the ingredients contain poor choices, take a picture of it and the ingredients (recipe), and buy all the healthy ingredients and make it yourself, but substituting healthy choices for the bad stuff.
#9. The term “All Natural” and “Natural” only limits artificial ingredients, but the product can still contain pesticides and GMOs, according to the FDA and USDA.
#10. For many of the “Dirty Dozen” fruits and vegetables, beware of claims of “Greenhouse Grown” or “Certified Organic” as these foods easily absorb pesticides you can’t simply wash off. See 2023’s Dirty Dozen list here: EWG’s 2024 Shopper’s Guide to Pesticides in Produce™
(Some copy and information came from S.D.Wells, naturalnews.com)
(Read this for more information on how our dietary problems came to be:
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Bonus health idea for exercise movement to get the juices flowing, compliments of Martha LeDuc, Sierra Madre, CA:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DBHtZVUviSH/?igsh=MTBlZjE4YzMxOA== (This is a very short video; be sure to turn on the audio immediately.)
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The Final Word —
The Lion and the Mime
One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up, you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
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Okay, we’re done with this quick issue (only 1-1/2 cups of coffee worth for our prez Brian) but we need you all to identify with this ethereal cry and shout it out everywhere but church (well, maybe even then during the homily if it’s long and obtuse):
GO J O H N N I E S !
(And Nothing Else But That.)
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Submitted by R.L. Wicker ’60/’64
2035 Eleanor Avenue, St. Paul, MN 55116
theowick@aol.com; home: 651-699-4697
Website: Unofficial Underground News