Things are lookin' good for SJU... UUN #6-24
Dear Jays and Bees (and Assorted Others) —
Hooray for our team! They are now 4-0 and looking pretty doggone good. And that’s on top of a 45-20 Homecoming win over a feisty (and at times chippy) Augsburg squad that left a lot of questions and less elation than the score dictated.
Part of those feelings stem from our expectations of completely dominating the Auggies, which we did not do, exactly. Additionally, there is concern about the number of penalties we incur, even after the coaches hammer the team constantly about avoiding them. For the second straight game, the competition played us even for the first quarter or so; and for the second straight time the competition has scored on us quickly with a long bomb.
Eventually, as we have done all year, we pulled away and completed a masterful day despite multiple errors (13 of them for 123 yards). For instance, we ran the most balanced offense of nearly 50%-50% passes-to-runs I’ve seen in quite a while. While senior quarterback Aaron Syverson looked a little rocky to start, he ended up with some marvelous throws coupled with magnificent catches by his receiving corps, with most going to junior Dylan Wheeler. And our running backs, led by junior Caden Wheeler, punched their way through gaping holes.
Featured on the cover of the Homecoming football program are the five starting offensive linemen, all seniors, who were responsible for both the QB’s protection and for providing avenues for our runners. They were the unsung heroes of the Augsburg game and deserve a huge shout-out here, both for this game and all season. Congrats to Left Tackle Tommy Hessburg, Left Guard Nick McKenzie, Center Charlie Folkens, Right Guard Tom Soler, and Right Tackle Grant Peroutka. Another shout-out goes to senior kicker Connor Murphy, whose quiet professionalism added six out of six PATs plus 1 for 1 field goal. I’m pretty sure he has not missed a kick all year.
Our defensive standouts gave Augsburg quarterback Marcus Freeman a giant headache, led by senior defensive lineman Isaac Hetland who sacked Freeman twice but hurried him a number of other times and generally created chaos in the opponent’s backfield. Leading tacklers were senior linebackers Cooper Yaggie (10 + a sack) and Hayden Sanders (9). Offensively the Auggies’ running game was shut down—they had a net two yards; however their passing game, composed primarily of 5 to 7 yard quick passes to the sides, gained 250 yards, the same as we had. Overall we had twice as many yards—505 to 251—thanks to a vigorous running game by the aforementioned Caden Wheeler (9.1 yards per carry average) and his running mates sophomore Will Blakey (8.1) and senior Quinn Christofferson (6.5). Studying our film this week should give Concordia some trepidation about how we’re going to come at them from both sides of the ball.
Homecoming was a colorful success, with the tailgate packed and stands filled. The attendance was announced at 11,719. Weather was delightful and it was a great day to be back “home.”
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Junior running back #27 Caden Wheeler scampered for a 52-yard run on the first offensive play of the second half (Photo by Josh Johnston).
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Game Recap and Box Score:
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Additional Quick Videos —
KSTP TV-5 — Some Highlights of Bethel game
https://kstp.com/minnesota-sports/no-5-st-johns-opens-miac-play-with-win-over-no-24-bethel/ (3:51 Min.)
SJU vs Augsburg Highlights: The Mini Movie [Oct. 5th, 2024]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_2ARr-Jcgc
Game recap of the Johnnies 38-20 victory over the University of St. Thomas at Allianz Field in St. Paul, MN.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcT889JiVKA (3:56 minutes)
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Junior wide receiver #2 Dylan Wheeler snags another long pass where only he can catch it, (Photo by Jason Wachter for St. Cloud LIVE.)
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View From The Field —
(By Ron Tomczik ’65, Medicine Lake, MN)
Although just having beaten Augsburg 45-20, despite feeling good with a 4/0 record, there was a bit of unease among some players on the field.
Some of the comments: “We played somewhat sloppy, unfocused, we have to keep our foot on the gas.” From our quarterback, just one word: “Frustrating.”
Maybe this was caused by the realization that if we make the playoffs—and there was NO doubt SJU will make the playoffs—we would have to play much better in order to beat the really good teams.
One word came up often—“Penalties.” Too many again: 13 penalties for 123 yards. While no one was overly concerned with Offside- and Encroachment-type penalties, what really stings are the Personal Fouls. We sometimes put the opponents in a position to score easily. A penalty after a big gain on a play, adding another 15 yards, can really pump up an opponent, and their fans, especially if they are on our end of the field and/or near our red zone. And Augsburg did score a TD with help from a 15- yard SJU penalty and we probably could have scored another TD or two without self-destructing penalties. For this game it didn’t make a difference—but with a really good opponent, we probably won’t have that luxury.
Because this team has been so focused since the summer, has really good players, and are very close personally, I really think that between the players and coaches, they can solve this problem. As one fan on the field said, ”Our team has really outshined all four of our opponents. We definitely have the potential!” Go Johnnies! — Ron T.
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Cobber Communications —
Overheard in the Concordia locker room, one defensive lineman to another:
"Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time—Boy, what an awkward phone call that was..."
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All About Concordia —
Concordia College is a private liberal arts college in Moorhead, Minnesota, located across the Red River from larger Fargo, North Dakota. Founded by Norwegian settlers in 1891, the school is associated with the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. Concordia has a total student enrollment of 1,800, a little less than half being young men, so about half the size of St. John’s University in enrollment. It offers Bachelor of Arts, Bachelor of Music, Bachelor of Science in Nursing, Master of Education, and Master of Science, and Master of Music Education degrees, and the most popular majors are business, education, and communication, and the most popular majors are business, education, and communication.
Since Concordia was founded, it has articulated a Christian and global curriculum. Students are required to take courses in health, communication, religion, and culture. The college maintains athletic teams in 22 sports and carries 20 music ensembles, including The Concordia Orchestra, The Concordia Band, and The Concordia Choir. Music is a very big deal at Concordia. The college maintains three choirs, four bands, two orchestras, three jazz ensembles, two percussion ensembles, and two handbell choirs.
Concordia–Moorhead athletic teams are the Cobbers. The college is a member of the Division III level of the NCAA, primarily competing in the MIAC since the 1921–22 academic year. More than 800 students participate. Men's sports include baseball, basketball, cross country, football, golf, ice hockey, soccer, tennis, track & field, and wrestling; while women's sports include basketball, cross country, golf, ice hockey, soccer, softball, swimming & diving, tennis, track & field, and volleyball.
About Cobber Football —
Throughout the 1950s, ‘60s, ’70s, ‘80s and into the early ‘90s Concordia was one of the football powerhouses of the MIAC, starting with Jake Christiansen who ran the program for 28 years and coached his team to five conference championships; he was succeeded by Jim Christopherson who took over the program in 1969 and led the Cobbers to nine conference titles and two national championships. Both coaches have been inducted in the College Football Hall of Fame.
The current head coach is Terry Horan CC’89, one of the class acts in MIAC football, is known as a “players’ coach.” In his first 23 seasons (146-82) of leading Concordia back to the top of the MIAC, Horan has been named MIAC Coach of the Year twice and was named the American Football Coaches Association Region Coach of the Year in 2004. He was also inducted into the Minnesota Football Coaches Association Hall of Fame, joining his legendary Cobber predecessors Christiansen and Christopherson. Horan has posted a very consistent 63.8% winning percentage. He has guided Concordia to 16 top 4 finishes in the MIAC in the past 18 seasons, making the D-III playoffs two times. Of course, not only has he had to recruit against the bigger schools, including Bethel, Gustavus, Saint John’s, and until they left, UST, but he has a diminishing number of sturdy Norwegian Lutheran farm boys from northwestern Minnesota and eastern North Dakota from which to choose.
This current crop of Cobbers boasts some fine athletes and they sport a 3-1 record to date, only losing to a so-so UW-Eau Claire in the opener 21-10. Since then have cleaned up on three lower-rated teams—Pacific Lutheran, St. Scholastica and Carleton—by a combined score of 97-9. But the thing that distinguishes this team is their effective defense, particularly against the pass. The Cobbers are second in D-III in Pass Efficiency Defense, third in Scoring Defense, and ninth in First Downs Allowed. In the MIAC they are ranked first in Defense. Standouts are senior linebacker #45 P.J. Parmalee who leads the team in tackles, senior defensive lineman #99 Collin Thompson, junior linebacker #31 Jaiden Musse, and defensive backs senior # 24 Stuart DeMerit and junior #20 Jacob Pipho.
On offense the Cobbers are led by a former Johnnie, senior quarterback #11 Cooper Mattern who was All-Conference last year. He is protected by a pretty hefty O-Line headed by All-Conference senior #56 Ethan Tong. The QB’s prime targets are wide receivers senior #12 Davion Henderson and junior #7 Jed Klang. Primary running back is sophomore # 32 Jordan Summers.
The team of 127 members is comprised mostly by Minnesotans, but sprinkled with 14 kids from Arizona and 11 from Colorado to add a little spice. Each year Concordia gives us a very tough battle; Horan gets them up for their “Super Bowl” against SJU…much like many other teams in the MIAC. This Saturday should be no different in their emotional readiness to try to upset the visiting Johnnies; it will be physical but not chippy — that’s not the Concordia way. The main questions are, first, can their top-rated defense stop or even hinder our top-rated offense? And second, does the Cobber offense stand a chance against our swarming defense?
Bottom Line: I don’t think Concordia has played a team anywhere near as potent and deep as St. John’s. Therefore their vaunted defensive strength hasn’t been tested for real yet. In actuality, we should walk away from them…but we thought that last week against the Auggies and they made us keep our starters in for most of the game. Here I might add a third question to the two above: Will we finally get control of our penalties, especially the maddening unsportsmanlike conducts, blocking from behind, late hits on the quarterback, and personal fouls that have been helping the opposition, hurting our drives and upsetting our momentum? Stay tuned.
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A Stroll in the Park, Concordia-Style —
A student couple, both juniors at Concordia College, were taking a late night stroll on a moonless night in the park along the Red River between Moorhead and Fargo.
The young man exclaimed to his date, "It's so dark I can't see my hand in front of my face."
The Cobber co-ed laughed and laughed, because she knew where his hand was.
(Compliments of Chris Scholl, St. Paul, MN)
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The Birds and The Bees, 21st Century Style —
(How to explain about pregnancy to a child of the 21st century, when bees, flowers, seeds, and the stork are all out of fashion? Today, the explanation is modern…)
The son asks his father, “Dad, how was I born?”
“Well, my son, we knew one day you’d want to talk about it, so I'll explain what you need to know.
“One day, your mom and I connected to Facebook and became friends. I sent a tweet inviting Mom to go to a cybercafé. We found that we had many links and likes in common and we understood each other very well.
“When we were not on the laptop, we would talk on Whats App and Skype. And we were giving more likes, until one day we decided to share our files.
“I introduced my USB stick to Mom's USB port. When the files were downloaded, we realized that we had forgotten the security software and that we had no firewall or snapshot filter.
“It was too late to cancel the download and it was impossible to delete the files, generating the message "INSTALLATION SUCCESSFUL.”
“With this the monthly notifications of your mother stopped arriving and nine months later you appeared as new user contact, requesting login and password.”
(Compliments of Peg Marrin ’65, Dallas, TX)
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Tailgate at Cobberville —
Our Fargo Moorhead alum chapter is doing a tailgate before the game Saturday. More details and RSVP before; it’s not necessary to register for the tailgate and there is no charge, however the hosting group would like to get a possible headcount for planning purposes.
https://connect.csbsju.edu/register/FargomoorheadChapterTailgate2024.
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Important Notice —
(From Lynn Bormann SJP ’86)
Please add the following important information to this week's UUN for those going to the game. Ticket sales for the game on Saturday are online only. I found the following information on Concordia's website. Looking forward to seeing you at the game. Go Johnnies!
Cobber Online Tickets
Concordia has partnered with GoFan tickets for all ticket sales to all Cobber home contests. All tickets for all 2024-25 home games will be electronic with no cash sales of tickets at the venues.
Fans can go to: https://gofan.co/app/school/MN100477 to purchase tickets to Cobber home games and can either print out the receipt or bring your phone to the game to show the receipt.
Fans can also click on the QR Code (below) to go to the Concordia online ticket site.
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Johnnie Radio Network —
Saturday’s game can be heard live on WBHR-660 AM across central Minnesota, and KDIZ-1570 AM in the Twin Cities. Mark Lewandowski, Bryan Backes ’87, and Mike Carr ’77 will call all the action, beginning with Johnnies Magazine at 11 a.m. and the pre-game show at 11:30 a.m. The game will also be broadcast on the SJU football website via Stretch Internet. This is the 26th season SJU football can be heard worldwide over the internet (660wbhr.com).
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Listening via the Internet: https://www.660wbhr.com/wbhr-st-johns-sports
Viewing via live streaming: https://miacsportsnetwork.com/concordia/?B=1407073 (Free, begins at 12:55)
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2024 Football Schedule —
(All games begin at 1 p.m.)
Sep. 7 Carthage (WI) Collegeville W 49-0
Sep. 14 Wartburg (IA) Collegeville W 35-13
Sep. 21 Bye —
Sep. 28 Bethel Arden Hills W 45-20
Oct. 5 Augsburg Collegeville W 45-20
Oct. 12 Concordia Moorhead
Oct. 19 Carleton Northfield
Oct. 26 Gustavus Collegeville (Family Weekend)
Nov. 2 St. Scholastica Duluth
Nov. 9 St. Olaf Collegeville
Nov. 16 MIAC Week Collegeville
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SJU Student Rules for Good Housekeeping in the New Seton Apartments in Flynntown —
— It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
— Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
— Never make fried chicken in the nude
—Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
— You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
— If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
— My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
— Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
— Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
— When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
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Around The MIAC, Week 4 — Oct. 5
Macalester at St. Scholastica — (Oh, dear…how to pick this one? Let’s take the hapless Saints at home over their equally-hapless, terminally-woke foes.) Well, well…finally. The Saints were two more points less woeful, eking out a 30-28 victory over Macalester.
Hamline at St. Olaf — (I suspect this could be a fairly close game with the Oles emerging victorious.) The Oles were victorious alright, but it wasn’t at all close; they handled the Pipers 41-6.
Bethel at Gustavus — (It’s doubtful that Bethel will lose another game in the MIAC until Championship week, but the Gusties may make it slightly interesting at least.) The only suspense about this one was whether the Gusties would score a point or two— they didn’t, losing 43-0.
Concordia at Carleton — (The Cobbers all the way.) No surprise here; Cobbers 31, Carleton 6.
Augsburg at St. John’s — (Besides the revenge factor for our sub-par performance last year, there’s always the chance for the Johnnies’ 3rd and 4th stringers to get in.) It wasn’t always pretty but the Jays came away as winners, 45-20…unfortunately, the way we played curtailed any scrubs getting in.
Other Games Of Interest —
Stetson at St. Thomas — The Tommies pulled it out at the end 34-24 and are now 2-3. Slowly UST is getting some of their injured back. Almost 4,000 watched the game at O’Shaughnessy. (Ahem…nearly 12,000 attended the SJU-Auggie tilt at Homecoming.)
#24 UW-Platteville at #3 UW-La Crosse — The Pioneers came roaring back in the fourth and took it from the Eagles in overtime, 30-27…another huge upset in the WIAC. Highlights: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSgbv8yHHr0 (8:46 minutes)
#17 UW-Oshkosh at #11 UW-Whitewater — A very close game played in front of a new D-III record crowd at a school stadium of 21,233. The Warhawks won 21-14 (too bad; it would have been great to see the Warhawks lose again in front of that huge crowd).
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Upcoming Games, Week 6 — October 12 —
Hamline at Augsburg — (It’s not going to be pretty with the Auggies not in the mood to be nice—48-14.)
Macalester at Bethel — (Yikes! Yet another slaughter by the Royals, probably in the 50s-0 range.)
Carleton at St. Olaf — (At least the Knights won’t have to go far to get creamed 28-6.)
St. Scholastica at Gustavus — (Another one of those “Ouch” games, with the Gusties prevailing big time, e.g., 49-0)
St. John’s at Concordia — (We really don’t know which Cobber team will show up…and we really don’t know if the Jays can get their act together regarding penalties and taking Concordia seriously enough. Still, we all suspect a Johnnie win…maybe they can hit 45-20 three weeks in a row.)
Other Games of Interest —
#4 UW-River Falls at #11 UW-Platteville — (This one is gonna be fun; just as last week the “smart money” would have taken UW-La Crosse, that same money will take the #4 River Falls…can the Pioneers do it twice in a row? That would be cool.)
#12 UW-La Crosse at #20 UW-Oshkosh — (It’s doubtful the Eagles will let the Titans sneak up on them like Platteville did last week, but one never knows in the WIAC.)
St. Thomas at Marist — (The up- and so-far-mostly-down Tommies fly out to Poughkeepsie, NY to visit the 0-5 Red Foxes so, unless the Toms put their shoes on backwards, they will come home a winner, maybe a big winner.)
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More Scenes From Stearns County —
Saint John's Abbey was hosting an important theological conference at its Collegeville Institute (formerly the Ecumenical Institute). During an afternoon break three participants—a Buddhist monk, a noted philosopher and a Presbyterian minister—took a stroll along Fruit Farm Road and came upon a young farm boy. At that moment the four of them looked up to see a chicken crossing the road.
The question arose, “Why does the chicken cross the road?”
The monk said, "It's the destiny of the chicken to seek its own path."
The philosopher said, 'Its action teaches a lesson in the ways of nature much like life itself."
The minister said, "It's because it follows the plan of our Maker under His divine rule.”
Just then the young farm boy spoke up. "Actually, it's because I left the chicken coop door open."
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Scenes at Homecoming —
A Bennie all “red” from head to toe. Here’s Katie Riitters ’96 all dressed up for Homecoming. Note her earrings and her shoes.
More Homecoming Fashion
A quick look at just part of the crowd at the Homecoming tailgate. (Photo courtesy of Cathy Youso Mumma ’77.)
An impromptu gathering of classmates from 1976. (L to R) Paul Osberg; Jim Rothstein; Steve Zauhar; Tom Peckskamp; Dennis Kurtz; and Larry Schultz.
Well, it looks like “Holy Water” but it’s got a heckuva kick. Holding a clearly-sampled bottle of Brother Justus American Single Malt Silver Whiskey is Eileen Myles. On either side are (left) Peg Marrin and (right) Chris Scholl.
The Brother Justus Whiskey Company, of Minneapolis, was founded by Phil Steger ’97 and named after a Benedictine monk at Saint John’s Abbey who assisted area farmers distill a superior moonshine during the Great Depression. Said the monks at the time, “It may be illegal but it’s not immoral…they’ve got to feed their families.” Phil Steger was an All-American swimmer for St. John’s in 1996.
Finding a halfway tranquil place to enjoy the tailgate are (standing from left) Peter Bormann, Lynn Youso Bormann SJP ’86, and her dad Ron Youso ’64. Sitting is Dave Mumma ’70. (Photo by Cathy Youso Mumma ’77.
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2024 D3football.com Week 5 Top 25 —
Well, I’ll be darned…there are still five WIAC teams in the Top 25 this week, although their order has changed some. Most dramatic was #24 UW-Platteville shocking #3 UW-La Crosse 30-27 in OT. That knocked UW-LC down to #12, just a spot below their conquerer UW-P, now at #11. UW-Whitewater rose a spot to #10, putting those three teams close together. Both St. John’s and UW-River Falls jumped up two spots each to #3 and #4 respectively. Mount Union dropped a point to #5 by not beating a lower-echelon team convincingly enough. You can see how the whole poll looks by clicking on the link below.
Top 25 through Sept. 28, 2024:
https://www.d3football.com/top25/2024/week5
(Here I would like to share some relevant remarks regarding our recent upgrading to #3, the WIAC situation, and the Top 25 by my friend Billy Kauffman ’88, an All-American D-Back for the Johnnies in 1987.)
Hi Wicks, I'm not real familiar with Grove City, Susquehanna, or Salisbury but it sure feels like a game between numbers 2-13 could be an "any given Sunday" kind of game. Those WIAC teams get tested every week. North Central feels like a team that is in its own league but not unbeatable. It also feels like there is something special about the Johnnies this season. Sure hoping they can get the penalties cleaned up. Hope to see you in Moorhead! —Billy
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The Problem Student —
A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.
"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”
"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't even have a son."
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From Our Readers —
From Tom Larkin’64, Denver, CO —
Bob, Great newsletter again. News plus smiles are like eggs for the brain. —Tom
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From Ron Tomczik ’65, Medicine, MN —
Wick: I particularly liked this week’s Underground edition. The article about the new white oak table and Chorus singing were very enjoyable reading/watching/listening—and actually brought a tear to my eye. I am very proud to be a small part of CSB/SJU! Thanks again for your efforts, Bob! — Ron
(Editor’s Surprise to Ron: Here’s another video of the St. John’s Men’s Chorus serenading the CSB-SJU Thanksgiving Dinner crowd in the Great Hall in 2015: Saint John's Men's Chorus at Thanksgiving Dinner (4:14 min.))
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From Conrad Macina, Landing, NJ —
No, you shouldn’t have told them some of your Bethel jokes; you wouldn’t want to have to repeat them over and over. And now this week’s UST joke:
At a party, a Tommie linebacker tries to strike up a conversation with an attractive female student. He asks, “Do you ever go out with guys you meet parties?”
"Yes, but I'm much more attracted to strong academic types than to dumb jocks. What's your GPA?”
“I get 25 in the city and 40 on the highway.”
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From Joe Ness SJP ’61, Hopefully someplace safe and dry in Florida —
Hi Bob, enjoying listening to the Homecoming game and missing the sights and sounds and classmates of an earlier autumn day at St. John’s. No doubt a gathering at Fisher’s is in the plan. Please buy the house a round and put on my tab from Florida! Go Johnnies and best regards to my long-time friends. — Joe
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From Lynn Youso Bormann SJP ’86, Brainerd Lakes area, MN —
Hi Rob, Sounds like you have a great weekend all planned out in the Fargo-Moorhead area. Peter and I thoroughly enjoyed all of our years living there. Also, we got to know Aaron Hill ’05 (co-founder, Fargo Brewing) and his parents very well. They have been most fun and generous to us Johnnie fans at past tailgates as well.
Looking very forward to seeing everyone at the game! We will be ready to cheer on the guys to another W! The one-of-a-kind SJU cowbell that Peter made for me is already packed! GO JOHNNIES!!! — Lynn
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From Billy Kauffmann ’88, Plymouth, MN —
Hi Wicks, I’m attaching photos of my nephew, Austin, with some of his favorite Johnnies! We went down to the field after the Augsburg game and found a few of the guys. To a man each player was so gracious to my nephew, all of them asked him his name and engaged him in a short conversation. When he asked for a photo with them they happily obliged. What a fine group of guys!
One photo is with injured Johnnie, Vinny Wanda, who wears #45 but was out of uniform because he is recovering from a car accident that was no fault of his own. The way Vinny tells it, by the grace of God and a matter of inches, he was not impaled. He shared a bit about his family, his high school (Lakeville North), and his culture. Vinny, from Cameroon, talked about how community is built into the fabric of his society and how different it is in the US. He gushed about the Johnnie community and how aspects remind him of his community in Cameroon. It is why he feels so at home at St. John's. He is such a grateful guy and particularly grateful for the Johnnie community. It was really fun to talk with him, a young man with really strong values and priorities around relationship- and community-building.
Austin hopes to get some photos with some of those big boys on the O and D line and some of the defensive players if he can make it to another game this year. The guys made my Christmas shopping very easy. Austin wants a Johnnie football jersey for Christmas, of course. Go Johnnies! — Billy
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From John Krueger ’70, (soon to be at) St. Joseph, MN —
Wick, Attached is a potential pre- or post-home game spot for wonderful food. This place has great food and the owner is a delightful woman from El Salvador. I’ve been there several times and have never been disappointed. There is seating indoors as well as outdoors and they have a full bar. It’s located in Albany so it’s reasonably close to SJU.
Go Johnnies!! — John. Barbacoa Smokehouse and Deli
(Editor’s Reply: Thanks for the heads-up, John. From their website, it looks good. Perhaps after one of our upcoming home games we can grab some people from around our rows C & D and follow you and Pat out there for a victory party.)
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From Bob Neis ’65, St. Louis Park, MN —
MIAC is rated 2nd best conference in D3. Surprise to me!
https://www.d3football.com/columns/around-the-nation/2024/ranking-the-conferences-for-2024
(Editor’s Comment: I’ll believe that when I start to see more MIAC teams in the Top 25 poll.)
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Rush to Paradise —
Irish comedian Dave Allen's description of two rival funerals
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20xstCWkBco (3:49 minutes)
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Healthcare at Concordia —
A first year co-ed at Concordia wasn’t feeling well and so was directed to the college’s healthcare department for a checkup. The nurse asked the young woman some usual questions, including if she had an STD.
"No," said the Cobbette. "We have a Toyota."
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Wicker’s Health Rant —
How To Avoid The Negative Effects of Sitting All Day
5 Easy Tweaks to Your Work Routine to Avoid the Negative Effects of Too Much Sitting
Sitting for long periods of time at a desk or in front of a screen can take a toll on a person’s mental and physical health. Plus, a large study published earlier this year in JAMA Network Open found that those who were sedentary at work had a 34% increased risk of mortality from cardiovascular disease and a 16% increased risk of all-cause mortality.
Being sedentary for long periods of time has become increasingly common, especially with more people working from home. The same research also shows that adding more movement into your day can help mitigate these issues. In the JAMA Network Open study, participants who alternated between sitting and moving at work did not see an increased risk of a shortened lifespan. The following linked article does offer a few ideas to get you moving at work: https://www.health.com/how-to-avoid-the-negative-effects-of-sitting-all-day-8580219
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The Final Word —
A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.
After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the lad is ushered in by the receptionist to meet Dandy Dan DeVille, talent scout extraordinaire.
“Son, time is money,” says DeVille, “and I see you brought a cardboard box, which interests me so slightly I’m already feeling like I’m hemorrhaging cash talking with you.”
Still beet red, the young man now develops a tic yet manages to stammer, “I have a m-m-musical a-a-act.”
DeVille says, “Well, for my sake, it better not be vocal.”
The youth opens the box in his lap and removes a tiny piano and an even tinier stool, which he places gently in front of the keys.
DeVille, curious, leans in.
The youth then produces a gray mouse, which he sets on the stool. Reaching back inside the box, he pauses, then slowly withdraws his hand, and Deville sees a lovely monarch butterfly alighting on the lad’s finger. The butterfly flutters down to the table beside the piano. Taking a deep breath, the lad snaps his fingers.
At this, the mouse starts playing “Misty” on the piano and the butterfly starts singing in the most lush soprano Deville has ever heard.
The talent scout is dumbfounded.
The lad snaps his fingers again, and the mouse starts playing “O Mio Babino Caro,” with the butterfly skillfully navigating the aria with ease.
Tears welling in his eyes at the beauty of this performance, DeVille fumbles in his desk, pulls out a contract with five layers of carbon copies, and shoves it in front of the young man.
“This is the single greatest act I’ve seen in 27 years of doing this,” says DeVille. “We’ll do Madison Square Garden, Royal Albert Hall, the Bolshoi. Son, you’re rich. Hell, WE’RE rich. Just sign the contract and make this official, and I’ll have you headlining across the globe!”
The young man picks up the paperwork, reads it, and sweat starts pouring from his brow. He loosens his tie and mops his forehead with it.
“Is th-th-this a legal d-d-document?” he asks hesitantly. “Could I go to j-j-jail?”
“Son, why would you even ask such a stupid question? You’re on the cusp of millions!” DeVille shouts.
“Well, you see,” the young man explains, “the b-b-butterfly can’t really sing. The m-m-mouse is a ventriloquist.”
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And with that, we bid you sweet adieu. Some reading this will be at Concordia for the game and tailgate beforehand. For those present, here’s a reminder — we want to hear this refrain from you, loud and often:
Husk The Cobbers!
(Or Something Like That.)
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Submitted by R.L. Wicker ’60/’64
2035 Eleanor Avenue, St. Paul, MN 55116
theowick@aol.com; home: 651-699-4697
Website: Unofficial Underground News
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