Boom or Bust Time at Bethel (UUN #12-21)
Dear Readers —
Well, its showdown time — again. Thanks to the mysterious minds of the MIAC directors, we get to play Bethel for the conference championship a second time after beating them once already. The winner of this game receives the automatic bid to the NCAA Division III playoffs, while the loser prays for one of five at-large invites. Oh, the drama.
But that’s not all. Each team in one division must play their counterpart in the other division on the same day. And the Skyline Division gets to host, as decided before the season started by the same mysterious minds that cooked up this scenario in the first place. I guess that means next year the teams of the Northwoods Division get to play host. Thus, while we play the Royals in Arden Hills, poor put-upon St. Scholastica must travel down to St. Paul to play Hamline again for a participation medal or something in the Bottom Dwellers category. It’s all very elementary school. Word is that some of the league coaches and ADs think it’s less than satisfactory too.
I suppose, if you’re a senior and/or just love playing the game, one more chance in a meaningless contest dressed up to try to mean something important might be palatable…if you don’t mind freezing your butt off in this late-season cold weather. On the other hand, with this two-division system, that means that SJU never need play Hamline or Macalester again, nor will Bethel play St. Scholastica or Carleton (until the Knights get good enough maybe).
Last week, perhaps looking forward our Face-Off Part II with the Royals this Saturday, we seemed to be looking past Carleton. In the first quarter we looked positively super, marching and passing down the field in a most business-like manner. Surgical even. Before we knew it the score was 21-0 and I had visions of surpassing my prediction of 55-0. However, in the second quarter we slowed down and Carleton sped up; we nonetheless scored an additional TD, but gave up a disappointing field goal for a half time score of 28-3, losing our bid for another shut-out in the process.
Senior wide receiver Ravi Alston (3) caught this 63-yard touchdown pass in the first quarter (photo by Libby Auger).
In the third and fourth quarters we did not perform anywhere near a #5-ranked team…in fact, I’d say that Carleton played us even in the second half, with each team scoring another touchdown to reach the final score of 35-10. Let’s give Carleton some props: they adjusted to our defense and seemingly outperformed us offensively in the second half, plus defensively they pretty much shut us down for long periods. The Knights were on their way to yet another late fourth-quarter touchdown when junior defensive back #18 Ethan Stark intercepted a pass near our end zone and ran it 65 yards back to the Carleton 30. At that time, with seconds left, we took a knee and called it a day. Carleton played with heart from start to finish, and their finish appeared better than our finish. They are going places with a young team that will just get better. Nonetheless, the feeling in the stands was that if we played the same way against Bethel this week, we probably wouldn’t win. That was sobering to be sure. To make matters worse, one of our key offensive linemen, senior #61 Jarod Fike, injured his ankle and is out for the rest of the year. Coupled with starting quarterback Alex Syverson’s year-ending broken leg, our offense is entering this battle with one hand tied behind our back.
Looking at the positive, senior wide receiver Ravi Alston had nine catches for 124 yards and two touchdowns. He had seven catches for 117 yards in the first quarter alone, including a 63-yard touchdown on the first play of SJU's second drive. Ravi's second touchdown reception of the game, a 2-yard shovel pass, gave SJU a 35-3 lead with 7:02 left in the third quarter.
Senior running back #5 Henry Trost scampers around the corner on his way to one of his two touchdowns for the day against Carleton.
Senior running back Henry Trost increased his rushing-touchdown total to 15 with two scores and 61 yards on 16 carries, resulting in only about half his usual average of yards per carry. We committed nine penalties and three turnovers, but went 5-for-5 in the red zone and held the Knights to 2-for-11 on third down (1-for-4 on fourth down). So, on balance, the defense had a pretty good day at the start too.
For the full recap and box score go here: https://gojohnnies.com/news/2021/11/6/football-no-5-sju-stays-perfect-with-38-10-win.aspx
Senior defensive end #48 Seth Morem and junior defensive tackle #91 Michael Wozniak close in quickly on the beleaguered Carleton quarterback. (photo by Libby Auger).
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Royals Property Room —
Bethel is giving out game cleats to the football players. A linebacker tries on his pair.
"How do they feel?" asks the equipment manager.
"They feel a bit tight."
Try After examining the linebacker’s feet the equipment manager says, "pulling the tongue out."
“Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,”
(From Conrad Macina, UUN Humorologist, Landing, NJ)
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View From The Field —
By Ron Tomczik ’65
Carleton Game Take-Aways —
From players: Carleton is a very improved team; they kept fighting until the game’s end. Their squad numbers have increased to about 70 players--and only about 10% are from MN.
Our players know their play must improve in order to beat Bethel — and they are confident they will.
From senior quarterback Chris Backes: “We have some things to iron out/work on.”
From some defensemen: Carlton had a new "slant rush" and it took some time to adjust. And our second D Line played much of second half.
Per senior wide receiver Ravi Alston: After being tackled, several times Carleton players pushed his helmet/face mask into the grass. Ravi showed me grass still stuck in his face mask. He got irritated about this and finally threw the football at a player--seen by the Ref resulting in a 15-yard penalty. He fully realizes: it’s the second guy who gets caught. Also, he has played with Chris Backes for many years and believes Chris will continue to lead the team to victories.
From injured sophomore quarterback Aaron Syverson: His injury is healing well and he will be back next Fall. Believes the team will be okay in the upcoming playoffs. Go Johnnies! — Ron
Injured quarterback Alex Syverson attended the Carleton game and moved up and down the Laird Stadium steps with the help of a burly unidentified friend. (Photo by John Sipe.)
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Battle Between the Sexes, Just Starting Out —
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, my love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks.”
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A Few Words About The Bethel Game —
Last week’s attendance at what promised to be an entertaining game with Bethel hosting/beating Augsburg 45-14, was only attended by 2,124 on a beautiful day of sunny 60º weather. Lord knows how many will show up this cloudy Saturday with temps around 37º with a 10-12 mph wind.
Still, given the importance of this game to both schools, I expect at least twice that number to come out. To give Harry Burns ’74/‘78 his yearly shout-out regarding cold weather games, “There’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.” That means forget fashion: put on the long johns, winter gloves, woolen scarves, heavy sweaters, thick socks, stout footwear, winter coats and a sensible hat. And make some it RED if possible.
Vic Murphy ’92, who scouted the BU-Auggie game, sent in a photo showing BU’s fine new plastic field but also the cruddy visitor’s section. Bethel said that due to “supply chain problems,” they couldn’t get the materials needed to expand and modernize that section, plus they couldn’t put in temporary bleachers on the visitor’s side because to do so they’d have to go over some new sections of track, thus invalidating their warranty. They are trying to put up some extra seating on the Bethel side for us visitors. BU says they hope to seat 4,000, with standing room outside the waist-high fences. Their stadium capacity is listed at 3,500.
Game Particulars:
The gates at Royal Stadium will open at 11 a.m. on Saturday morning with kickoff at 1 p.m.. Tickets can be purchased at the gates at $6 for adults and $4 for students; there are no “pre-sales.”
Live streaming will take place; the link is noted below under “Johnnie Radio Network.”
Parking will be on a first come, first served basis. Parking on campus is limited and fans are encouraged to arrive early with a larger than usual crowd expected. The east campus entrance off of Snelling Avenue will be closed at Noon or when the east lot is full.
Additional parking is available at Bethel University's Anderson Center (2 Pine Tree Dr, Arden Hills, MN 55112) with shuttle busses running beginning at Noon until 1:30pm. Pickup will be at the Anderson Center and drop off will be at the CLC circle on the main campus. Shuttles will begin to run near the end of the game from the CLC circle back to the Anderson Center.
Vans will also be on campus patrolling the East lots to the North Village lots throughout the day to shuttle fans to the stadium.
We have reserved an area in the West Parking lot for tailgating. There will be a “A” frame sign directing them to that lot.
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Bethel, Round Two —
What are our chances? Part of me says we’ll handle them again as we did before — two TDs or more. Of course, that part remembers when we had our starting quarterback and a full starting offensive line. But I thought we’ve had more experience since we first met them and our defense has gelled in a superb fashion. In the MIAC we (SJU) are pretty much #1 and Bethel #2 for most stats, but nationally we rank higher. So on paper we should take them.
Yet, the other part of me can’t un-see our performance at the Carleton game, especially after the first quarter and into the second half at quarterback. After a strong start we looked tentative, couldn’t open the holes we were used to, made some terrible passes, and kept getting penalties. And there’s something else…it really manifested itself at the Gustavus game. It’s discombobulation. Some teams get in our heads with their aggressiveness, fighting spirit, mouthing off, cheap shots, and perhaps early success. These teams (and Carleton did it some too) get in our minds; hence the false starts, holding, off sides, reacting to late hits and getting caught. Damn penalties. We just can’t continue with that and succeed very far in the playoffs if, in fact, we even make it in.
The Royals will be up higher than ever. They will be doing every thing Gustavus and Carleton — and they themselves in the first game — did to get us off our game, only more so since their coaches have no doubt seen how poorly we handle stress. The word from the field after our first game was that (a) other than a few players our boys weren’t all that impressed with the Royals; and (b) some — not all — were chippy, mouthy (as in really bad, not-nice-Baptist words) and doing all the nasty stuff they could get away with.
The players the Jays respected were junior quarterback #9 Jaran Roste; sophomore running back #47 Bryce Kunkle; and freshman wide receiver #2 Joey Kidder. On defense junior linebacker #6 Nathaniel Hanson and sophomore D-Back #9 Danny Kulus made their presence felt. Notice like Carleton, Bethel is loaded with sophomores and juniors, meaning they’re all going to be tough again next year…while SJU is loaded with seniors. Just sayin’. Our lads thought that QB Roste and WR Kidder are super players. As they go, so goes Bethel, and how we stop them, so goes St. John’s.
The d3football folks are picking BU mainly because of Roste. The bottom line, as suggested by the UUN’s Panel of Experts, is our defensive front seven must have a great game to take pressure off our secondary. Offensively we have to run maybe 70%-30% to control the clock and keep Roste and Kidder off the field. When we pass, our receivers must run great routes, and otherwise run block effectively; two tight ends might be an effective strategy here. The entire Panel suggests that the game will be most intense and the team who has the will to win until the last second will emerge victorious. A major concern of the Panel is that SJU hasn’t really been pressed since the last Bethel game; furthermore we’ve only had to play a complete four quarters twice this season, Aurora U. being the other one. We cannot come out flat and/or commit 8+ penalties. Some members consider losing Alex Syverson the biggest difference in our continued success as he was the best player, the biggest play maker and the biggest point of difference on the team. However, one Panel member said, “I have faith we are better than Bethel and Johnnie magic will continue!” We shall see.
Right now I’m thinking we’ll take them by a TD or less. Make me wrong, boys. Let’s not limp into the playoffs.
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Listen to this “Fire ‘em Up” video:
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Welcoming the New Neighbor —
A man two houses away came over to introduce himself to an attractive new neighbor who had just moved in a few days before. The young woman answered the knock while holding back two dogs. She was wearing a Bethel sweatshirt so the man said he had gone to Augsburg and graduated himself two years before. He welcomed her to their block and, gesturing to her barking dogs, asked what their names were. The young woman responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
The neighbor said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the Royalette responded. "They're watch dogs!"
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I've just written a song about a tortilla.
Well, it is more of a rap really
(Badda Boom)
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SJU 2021 Football Schedule
(All games are played on Saturdays, beginning at 1 pm)
Date Opponent Location
Sep. 4 Aurora Collegeville W 39-33
Sep. 11 Bye
Sep. 18 Martin Luther Collegeville W 55-7
Sep. 25 Bethel Collegeville W 31-25
Oct. 2 Concordia Moorhead, MN W 49-0
Oct. 9 Augsburg Collegeville W 50-0
Oct. 16 St. Olaf* Collegeville W 56-0
Oct. 23 Gustavus* St. Peter, MN W 37-7
Oct. 30 St. Scholastica* Collegeville W 81-0
Nov. 6 Carleton* Northfield, MN W 38-10
Nov. 13 Bethel Arden Hills, MN
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MIAC Standings
MIAC All
Northwoods Division
St. John’s 7-0 9-0
Gustavus 5-2 7-2
St. Olaf 3-4 4-5
Carleton 4-3 6-3
St. Scholastica 0-7 0-7
Skyline Division
Bethel 6-1 8-1
Concordia 3-4 4-5
Augsburg 4-3 4-5
Macalester 2-5 3-6
Hamline 1-6 3-6
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AROUND THE MIAC —
11th Week, Saturday, November 13
Gustavus at Concordia — This is going to be a good game that could go either way, but I’m picking the Gusties 24-19.
St. Olaf at Augsburg — Wow…another good, close one. The Oles should persevere 28 to 24.
Carleton at Macalester — Carleton should bury Mac, maybe 34-12.
St. Scholastica at Hamline — The Pipers already took the Saints once and I’m thinking they’ll do it again handily 33-17.
St. John’s at Bethel — We beat them once but I’m not positive we can do it again as certain things stand…nevertheless, SJU 31-Bethel 28.
Other Game of Interest:
St. Thomas at Drake University — After the Tommies’ humbling 42-15 loss to Davidson last week, they travel again this week to Drake in Des Moines, IA (by bus, no doubt) where they shall reek their revenge. The lowly Bulldogs are 2-6, 1-4 PFL, so look for Glenn and Company (7-2, 4-2 PFL) to run things up unmercifully to get their mojo up for the final game at home two Saturdays from now against an even more woeful opponent, Presbyterian College. Those Southern guys have to be asking themselves what they ever did to deserve having to travel from balmy Clinton, South Carolina to visit St. Paul for a public beheading in late November Minnesota weather. The Pioneer Football League Suits should consider things like that when setting up their schedule.
* * * *
Last Week’s Results —
10th Week, Saturday, November 6
St. Olaf at Gustavus — Gusties 36-9. Actually the Gusties won 29-14.
Concordia at Hamline —Whatever the Cobbers did to the Auggies last week they’ll do to Hamline worse. Something like 42-12. Actually the Cobbers won 41-7.
Macalester at St. Scholastica — As much as I’m pulling for the Saints, they got nothin’…Mac 33-16. Actually Mac did the deed 28-14.
Augsburg at Bethel — If the Auggies thought last week was an eye-opener, wait til the Royals skim ‘em 48-18. Actually Bethel did pretty much as predicted: 45-14.
St. John’s at Carleton —The good news for the Knights is they ain’t the Saints; the bad news is it’s still another shutout, SJU 55-0. Actually — damn! — we lost the shutout and didn’t look particularly sharp winning 38-10.
Other Games of Interest:
St. Thomas (4-2) travels to Davidson College (5-0) this Saturday. Despite their respective records I’d still bet on the Tommies to win a close one, if for no other reason than to avoid Glenn calling them out publicly again, or boasting how his halftime scoldings turned the tide last week. Actually it wasn’t even close and U$T got creamed 42-15. Maybe the Tommies got distracted by all the Southern Belles.
(Note from Larry Haeg: Continuing the attendance theme, six of the top ten in D3 history have been Johnnies’ games:)
https://www.d3football.com/notables/top-single-game-attendance
(Editor’s Clarification: Actually, our Purple Readers would say they were Tommie-Johnnie games, although four of those six were at St. John’s and more fans were, no matter the venue, wearing RED.)
#1 North Central plays Washington University of St. Louis who, with Wheaton, holds second place in the CCIW conference. However they’ll lose by three+ TDs since North Central is unstoppable. Actually North Central beat Wash. Univ. 59-20. Like I said, unstoppable.
Lakeland University hosts Aurora University this week. Although there is little doubt about who will win, Aurora may find a closer game than their usual fare. Aurora won 38-20.
In the WIAC, one of the best and most important games in D-III has #3 UW-Whitewater hosting #12 La Crosse. Both are undefeated in the WIAC, but La Crosse has one non-conference loss. Wish it wouldn’t be so, but this looks like another win for alte wildwasser. Actually, Whitewater narrowly skipped by 13-7.
* * * *
D3Football Top 25 —
This week everyone #1 through #12 held their spots, with St. John’s still at #5, but just barely by one point over #6 Wheaton. Bethel moved up one place to #13, adding just that much more drama to our MIAC championship game next Saturday. Two teams, of no consequence to us, left the Top 25 this week: #22 Washington & Jefferson and #25 Susquehanna, and were replaced by two others of little consequence to us as well — Randolph-Macon and DePauw.
In the most important contest in our area, #3 UW-Whitewater narrowly defeated #12 UW-La Crosse 13-7 before nearly 12,000 fans, but both held their spots. I was hoping a really close game like that would boost La Crosse up a point or two, and maybe drop Whitewater down one as well. I can tell I’m not going to be invited to this ranking panel anytime soon (meaning never).
For what it’s worth, Aurora got 21 votes, UW-River Falls 17, and Gustavus Adolphus 2. Ho-hum…
https://www.d3football.com/top25/2021/week10
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Overheard in the Stands at Carleton —
I can’t wait to set the clocks back tomorrow night, and get an extra hour of unable to sleep.
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Once a Johnnie, Always a Johnnie…but once a Knight isn’t always enough.
(Editor's Note: This latter quote was not sent up by the earthy Suzie Gooding)
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Johnnie Radio Network —
Saturday’s game can be heard live on WBHR-660 AM across central Minnesota, KDIZ-1570 AM in the Twin Cities and KOWZ-1170 AM in Waseca, which covers most of southern Minnesota and into western Wisconsin. Mark Lewandowski, Bryan Backes, Mike Carr and Charlie Carr will call all the action, beginning with Johnnies Magazine at 11 a.m. and the pre-game show at 11:30 a.m. The game will also be broadcast on the SJU football website via Stretch Internet. This is the 23rd season SJU football can be heard worldwide over the internet.
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Listening via the Internet: https://portal.stretchinternet.com/csbsju/
Viewing via live streaming: https://athletics.bethel.edu/watch/?Live=226&type=Live
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The Reel 2021, Game #9, SJU at Carleton HIGHLIGHTS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ex_QMnVask
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Battle Between the Sexes, Marriage Counseling Division —
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. “I called your wife and spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison!”
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Bethel Pregame Locale —
Bethel University has designated an area in their West Parking Lot for tailgating for the diehards among you. (There will be an “A” frame sign directing people to that lot. Otherwise, parking is on a first come-first served basis.). https://maps.bethel.edu Our advice…get to campus early. You can always sit in your car if it’s too cold…or stroll over to the Student Union for something to eat. And, of course, there’s always the tailgate. GO JOHNNIES!
“When entering BU from the SW side off of Old Hwy. 10 (a.k.a. Old Snelling Ave N) drive past the guard gate, and take the first right into the large “west” parking lot. The back (SW) corner of that lot has an extension that is designated for visitor tailgating. That is also the best place to park for the game.” — From Dusty Wagner and Dana Buttenhoff.
Those going to the tailgate should look for Red-Clad people and/or the traveling St. John’s tent. Bring something to share if you’d like, particularly of the adult beverage kind, which no doubt, knowing where we are, will have to be handled very discretely.
There is no big SJU pregame celebration because no local venue close to Bethel has the staff to handle us all at once, a la Reunion last week in Northfield, and Minnesota Wing King in St. Peter before that,
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Presenting The Great Flydini and His Amazing Magic Tricks —
https://youtu.be/s9xKU8eYCFk (6:43 min. And well worth it. How I miss Steve Martin.)
(Compliments of Dave Swanson, Honorary member of the Class of 1965)
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Odds & Ends —
Damir Tokic recalls final trying days in Kabul, Afghanistan
Damir Tokic ‘06 faced plenty of emotionally trying days during his harrowing one-month stay in Kabul, Afghanistan last summer.The road that eventually led Tokic – a native of the Balkans – to Kabul last summer began in the fall of 2002 when he arrived as a freshman in Collegeville.
“Being at SJU led me on a path of becoming an American diplomat, an honor I could have not dreamt of when I came to Collegeville,” he said. “Education at SJU instilled in me a sense of professionalism and (a) desire for public service.”
https://www.csbsju.edu/news/damir-tokic
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The Two Administrations’ Response to the St. Patrick Hall Issue
https://adminlb.imodules.com/s/1433/images/gid2/editor_documents/fy22/pat_hall_update_nov_3__2021.pdf?sessionid=1824670e-be70-4bc2-9645-56a331a2f0f9&cc=1
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Give SJU Day — November 17
From Ted Kain ’12, Director of Annual Giving:
Our annual 24-hour giving campaign directly supports Saint John’s Student Fund scholarships. Our goal is to have 1,400 donors support Johnnie scholarships that day. We rely on support of Saint John’s alumni, parents, and friends every year to help us raise over $3M every year for Student Fund scholarships, and Give SJU Day is a significant way for us to meet our goal. https://www.givecampus.com/schools/SaintJohnsUniversity/give-sju-day-2021 (there is a 40 second message from Interim President James Mullen embedded in this site…please listen.)
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Polidazzle Social (with Bob Costa)
You are invited to the 15th annual Polidazzle Social on Thursday, December 2, 2021, at the International Market Square building in Minneapolis. This popular tradition gives students a chance to meet and mingle with alums who are active in civic and political life and alums get the chance to meet and connect with the next group of talented, ambitious Bennies and Johnnies. Drinks and hors d’oeuvres will be served.
In additional the traditional social, a special feature this yer is a visit by Bob Costa, author of the number one best-selling book, Peril. Whether he’s on TV, reporting for the Washington Post, or writing books, Bob is a champion of civic engagement and civic leadership.
Time: 6-8 pm for the social; 8-9 pm for his book signing.
Cost: $30 for CSB/SJU alums and friends; $10 for CSB/SJU students.
International Market Square is located at 275 Market Street, Minneapolis, 55405
Register here: https://csbsju.imodules.com/s/1433/interior.aspx?sid=1433&gid=1&pgid=5817&content_id=4526&authkey=iYj7IxzkBKEERQtPnU4RJmKj1Vq1%2bfMYtUtFe0NCdOLj22iCg%2fR1ww%3d%3d
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Alumni-Friendly Restaurants and Bars
(Owned and/or operated by Johnnies and Bennies in the Twin Cities, around the state and throughout the nation.)
https://www.csbsju.edu/sjualum/volunteer/alumni-friendly-restaurants-and-bars
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Next Fall: Go to Italy with Fr. Joe —
Visit Orvieto, Assisi, Florence & Rome with Father Joseph Gillespie OP ’64 September 13-22, 2022
https://web.cvent.com/event/310c1c2b-6a41-49ee-995a-ebc7041e3a5d/summary?RefId=Magi2201&rt=3MOqqtl1A0ycaqto3Ks03A
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What’s Up With the Class of ’72 and the Alumni Association?
For some reason members of the Class of 1972 seem to rise to the level of the gavel, serving as president of St. John’s Alumni Association five (count ‘em-5) times. Here they are shown gathered along the Mississippi River in St. Paul, no doubt plotting to see who else in their class they can help to the top. L-R: Tom Farnham '72, Bob Foster ’72, Bernie Tuohy '72, Tom Hokr ’72, Rick Speckmann ’72. Tom Farnham noted that when he was president of the Student Council back in the day his vice president was Rick Speckmann…apparently all this service to Saint John's started very early.
Here is an article penned by Mr. Speckmann entitled “What is the ROI for a Johnnie Alumnus?” http://www.advancingsaintjohns.org/blog/johnnieroi
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UUN Touch of Culture, Poetry Department —
Forgetfulness
By Billy Collins
The name of the author is the first to go followed obediently by the title, the plot, the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel which suddenly becomes one you have never read, never even heard of,
as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain, to a little fishing village where there are no phones.
Long ago you kissed the names of the nine muses goodbye and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag, and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,
something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps, the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.
Whatever it is you are struggling to remember, it is not poised on the tip of your tongue or even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.
It has floated away down a dark mythological river whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.
No wonder you rise in the middle of the night to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.
(Suggested by Peg Marrin ’67, Dallas, TX)
* * * *
Wicker’s Health Rant* —
(* Suggested this week by Paul Hamann, MD ’63)
10 Health Myths Debunked
https://www.webmd.com/balance/ss/slideshow-10-health-myths-debunked
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* * * *
More Scenes From Stearns County —
Last Fall a man from the Twin Cities drove up to Stearns County to check on some rural property for sale. While he was visiting a small farm between Richmond and St. Martin, he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly.
The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "Vat's time to a pig?"
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From Our Readers —
From Ben Lampron, Honorary Johnnie, Edina, MN —
Hi Wick, I wanted to add some color to one of the letters you received regarding St. Thomas and the Pioneer League. While I am an adopted Johnnie, I went to the University of Maine and am a huge Black Bear fan. Maine competes at the FCS level as do the members of the Pioneer League. One of your subscribers mentioned there were no playoffs available to the Pioneer League champion. The PL does have an automatic bid to the FCS playoffs in fact. However, I believe UST has a six year wait to be eligible. This waiting period seems overly punitive to me. Go Johnnies! Go Black Bears! — Ben
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From Mark Misukanis (whomever he is)—
Aside from the Bethel score, looks like the next MIAC board meeting will have St. John’s membership first thing on the agenda.
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From C.J. Lyngen ’92, Rogers, MN —
Hey Bob! Awesome again! Here is a good one sent to me this morning from Pat Cronin '91 - Edina:
Will we be kicked out of the MIAC before we face Bethel? That’s the question, my friend. I’m sure several of the MIAC presidents are up in arms about the slaughtering of St. Scholastica, and soon to be Carleton, and I know many others throughout this season. These poor victims! Ahhhhh…… don’t celebrate greatness, or achievement. It’s become un-American to do so. Just had to rant a little bit to my friend! Hope you’re well, CJ. — Pat
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From Father Mike Byron ‘81, Pastor, Pax Christi, Eden Prairie, MN —
Hi Rob~ I was talking with Libby [Farrell] Smith (CSB '94 ) at church last week, wife of Regan Smith (SJU '91) whom you kindly noted in a recent edition as having passed away far too early last month. Naturally the conversation turned to the UUN, and she expressed interest in being a recipient. I hereby endorse such an idea, if you are able. Her email address is attached. Thanks — Mike
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From Dave Haedt ’61, Maple Grove, MN —
Hi Bob, I seemed to have been dropped from your UUN list, and really miss it. Could you put me back on at this email address? Thanks much, and keep up the good work. — Dave
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From Tom Yencho ’68, Maple Grove, MN —
Please add me to your mailing list. Loved reading it, and I’m only sorry that I haven’t seen it until now. — Tom
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From John Krueger ’70, Richmond, MN —
Bob, I have been a recurring visitor to St. John’s campus for over 50 years. Last week was the first time I was unable to purchase a loaf of Johnnie Bread anywhere on campus. This “Supply Chain” issue is getting serious !! — John
John’s going into withdrawal with only a few crusts left from his old Johnnie Bread loaf.
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Also, at today’s game with Carleton several of us loyal Johnnie fans were waiting for the vendor to open before the game. A Carleton fan saw us and explained that the vendor wouldn’t open until kickoff. He then invited us to join the Carleton fan tailgating group for some pre-game food and beverages.
John Krueger '70 (center) with new friends from Carleton tailgate.
Don McGregor and his wife Sue were hosting the pregame festivities and said that it’s all about community until game time! They couldn’t have been more friendly and welcoming to our group of Johnnie faithful. Their son Ryan (#26) is a star defensive back and has been an MIAC defensive player of the week several times. A great example of sportsmanship and class! — John
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From Frank Ziegler ’62, Lino Lakes, MN —
Wicker — As a postscript to my EV adventures I thought I'd describe how today EVerything went per plan. Picked up Ditz [John Ditzler ’58/’62] and then his grandson after a full charge last night. Motored to brunch in Northfield, then up the hill to a Carlton parking lot where I found four working-relatively-fast-charging plugs, walked down hill to the game and then back up to the car afterward and found the car 80% charged. Reversed the route and arrived home with 70 miles to spare. My cost to Carleton (and the managing network) $6.31. Helps to prepare and be aware...SJU needs some chargers!!!
EV PS: Julie Ditzler must be aware of my plan to put females in the rear seat as she and her granddaughter drove separately…(Editor’s Quick Explanation: Ziggy wrote previously that the batteries, which have been known to burst into flame, are adjacent to the back seat.)
PSS: Re the game — I thought the team had some pretty swell moments but still seemed inconsistent for a Top Five rating. But I was impressed with Carleton's speed and tackling compared to CC teams of the past......Sat with Tom McKasy [’60/’64] another erstwhile Pete Donohue [’64] roommate…See you at Bethel. Cheers — f z
(Editor’s Note: I’m hurt that Frank didn’t think much of my idea to pull a small trailer with a gas-powered generator behind his electric vehicle; at least he wouldn’t be stranded when he ran out of juice on his way home.)
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Battle Between the Sexes, Maternity Section —
"Push harder!" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"I hate you, I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone!" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.
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Overheard in the Royals’ Locker Room —
Wow. My ex-girlfriend just called and wants to get back together again. Right after I won the lottery too. I am so lucky!
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You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If…
1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
4. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
5. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
6. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
7. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
8. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
9. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
10. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
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Battle Between the Sexes, Bereavement Division —
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died’.”
Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, “In that case, make it read ‘Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale.'”
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THE FINAL WORD —
Modern Airline Travel
(Compliments of Gary Kordosky ’64 Tucson, AZ)
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an amazingly beautiful, sexy woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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Goodbye for now…Our team will need all our voices yelling in unison:
GO JOHNNIES ! !
(Give ‘em the Royal Flush…or something like that.)
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Submitted while awaiting the MIAC invite to the playoffs.
R.L. Wicker SJP ’60/SJU ’64, St. Paul, MN
651-699-4697
theowick@aol.com
https://www.unofficialundergroundnews.com
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