Take a big breath and hope for improvement (UUN #11-19)
Dear Red (as in Embarrassed) Fans —
What is there to say? What we experienced last Saturday in our 19-18 OT loss to Concordia appears to be practically a total Johnnie systems failure. In terms of a medical operation, we can make the analogy that the patient died because of the surgeon’s lack of knowledge, the anesthesiologist’s inattention, a nurse’s drug dosing error, the janitor’s sloppiness and the hospital administration’s cutting corners. In other words, it’s hard to pin the blame on just one or two plays and/or one or two players. We weren’t ready to play and the Cobbers were. Then add in some pretty atrocious refereeing and you have a perfect storm for failure.
One thing’s for sure: we were all over-confident. I know I was, predicting a run-away shutout. So were all the people in the stands, at the tailgate, in Sexton Commons. We knew we were going to win, the only question being by how much. Undoubtedly, despite the efforts of Gary Fasching and other coaches to alert them to the possibilities of a let down and a fired-up Cobber team, our team no doubt felt the same about a preordained gridiron turkey shoot.
Last week I wrote: “So now we face the rugged Concordia Cobbers who, win or lose, often manage to give us all we can handle. They run a cram-it-down-your-throat offense, normally among the league leaders in rushing.” (John Taylor ’58 told me before the game that, for Concordia, it’s their ‘Johnnie-Tommie game’ and they point to it all year. For us, not so much.)
But I also said, “They are ninth in both passing offense and defense. If they can’t get to Jackson in a timely fashion, he’s going to post some more incredible stats.” And then added “I expect two things: first, that we will win and undoubtedly win big, given the results of two teams that we beat soundly but who beat CC most handily; and second, that providing we don’t suffer that slow-start, emotional let-down, over-confidence malaise of last week, we should stifle the Cobbers in every aspect.” Ahh, the old “slow-start, emotional let-down, over-confidence malaise.”
Finally, here’s how I summed it up: “If our defense plays up to their ability I foresee a shutout. We really have to have an impressive showing here to bolster our case of No. 1 seed in the West during the upcoming play-offs, since UW-Whitewater’s strength-of-schedule is stronger than ours for their remaining conference games. That alone should be a huge motivator this Saturday.”
Well, obviously it wasn’t the motivator they needed. On the other hand, credit the Cobbers. From the first play — an 80-yard kick-off return that nearly went all the way — to the last — a PAT kick that went through, Concordia played just well enough — with timely assists from errant Johnnies and helpful refs — to win. They provided the best pass defense we faced all season. They certainly didn’t expect the win either, but they kept fighting. A Concordia grad couple at the Y told me when they first saw the score they thought it was “fake news.”
Sure looks like TJ Hodge is mugged before the ball gets to him. One of several missed penalties if it was indeed an infraction.
I was thinking of showing the “crow” that I would eat again this week, but — really — I’m not taking credit for this showing. There’s not much more, if anything, that I need to say. The players know it already, the coaches certainly do. We pushed the Cobs all over the field; we produced twice the number of yards as they; our offensive line played strong; our defense shut them down almost all of the second half. But how does one account for the hurtful penalties, some coming at the worst possible time? Or the turnovers? Or the inability to push it in from the red zone time after time?
Sitting in front of us each home game is Doug Imholte ‘87, one of the more knowledgeable football guys I know. He had invited some friends up for this game, wanting to show off the Johnnie team to them. Doug just kept saying over and over, apologetically, “This is not our real team…this is not Johnnie football.” And, of course, it wasn’t. The guys know what they have to do in the future. Just hope this debacle serves as a suitable reminder.
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This Saturday we go to winless Hamline. Of course, our guys won’t be super fired-up for it…they should win easily since the Pipers are no Cobbers, but I’m not making any predictions. For three games in a row the opponents have scored on us early. Guys, just show us what real Johnnie football is all about. I’ll miss whatever happens since I’m heading up to Crosby-Ironton and Chris’ grandkids on Friday, but I'm confident that they'll "show what SJU can do." Good news on the weather front — Saturday appears to be cloudy BUT with warmer temps in the low 40s. Should be nice for the fans that travel to Klas Field to support the Jays.
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As you can probably understand, the Underground News received many comments after the Cobbers’ upset of our Jays. Some weren’t exactly printable. There are some people connected with the team, the media, the school and administration that want nothing but glowing tributes to be printed in the UUN.
I’ve been getting feedback that we’re (meaning me and those who contribute here) have been too negative, too critical of small college student-athletes, as well as discussing topics about the college. It’s been passed down second- or third-hand that I shouldn’t be so hard on Glenn Caruso of U$T; that I should tone it down about him and St. Thomas. That we shouldn’t touch on our recruitment problems. That we tip-toe around Michael Hemesath’s abrupt departure. Recently the “Voice of the Johnnies” called me and the Underground out over the air for reckless comments and being too critical on our boys…he did this while interviewing the coach. It’s as if all of us who contribute here are hyper-criticalof the team or unknowledgeable fools; as if we are not all Johnnies seeking the best for our school, our teams, our players.
Remember, we're all Johnnies, not enemies
If anyone has a problem with what we’re doing here they can write a note for publication to the UUN, or send me a private email explaining their viewpoints, or speak to me in person, hopefully in a well-modulated, civilized tone. In the recent past I received a most unfriendly, condescending email from a St. John’s person who took me to task for not copying him in an informal discussion about how we might consider looking at the entire tailgate situation at St. John’s differently, reimagining it perhaps. He also was angry enough to send his personal putdown of me to all the people on the copy list, while shutting down any more discussion. This is not how fellow Johnnies treat each other. Last year the school was fortunate to have Denis McDonough ’92 spend an evening sharing some of his experiences as President Obama’s Chief of Staff. One anecdote Denis shared was how he went into a meeting with the president thinking he was going to have lunch, when what happened was the president sat there eating alone while reaming his top aide a new posterior opening. Denis said that he learned two things from that: one, he always needed to be prepared for such a meeting, and two, that he was grateful that his boss didn’t read him the riot act in front of others; he did it privately. Perhaps that’s a lesson some of the aforementioned should take to heart.
I’ve been doing this Underground business for fellow Johnnies and football lovers for around 20 years. The vast amount of content, virtually most, has been written in a fully positive sense for there is so much good about SJU-CSB-SJP-etc. to pass on. During the four months or so of football season I spend between 30 and 40 hours a week gathering material, reading, seeking back emails, finding jokes, sorting photos, editing emails, gathering info, writing, futzing with the e-letter format, etc., etc. Doing this I often put the rest of my life on hold, especially when deadlines approach, often pulling near all-nighters to get it out on time. I’m quite sure that during those months I work as hard or harder for free as anyone on the SJU payroll. I do it out of love and gratitude to St. John's. I do it for my classmates, my Johnnie, Bennie and Prep friends, fellow Johnnie football supporters and assorted others who have asked to receive it. I don’t do it as part of the Alumni Association, J Club, Athletic Department, Alumni Affairs Department, Abbey, or the I-A Department. Still I often help out those elements of the St. John’s experience when I can because it’s all part of the St. John’s ideal that appeals to so many of us. I’ve thought about hanging it up many times over the past years, but keep at it because of the almost weekly feedback from readers thanking me for the effort, transparency and credibility of the Underground as a sounding board for what alums are thinking. They like stories about St. John's and Johnnies. They like and trust the unfiltered news and views (and Tommie jokes), that we’re not another house organ for the university. By and large — although I like all these Collegeville folks — I think sometimes they become thin-skinned or ultra-sensitive about issues and do not like or want to hear anything they can’t control. They don’t particularly like criticism, even well-meaning or helpful ideas coming unsolicited. They don’t like second-guessing. They don’t like conjecture. My best offer for these people — from the Abbey to the athletic departments, faculty, administration, and whomever, is to unsubscribe if what’s in here angers or frustrates you. Shake the dust from your sandals at the UUN and refuse to read us anymore. Either that or belly up to the computer and send in your own news/views/criticisms…or give me a call and calmly tell me what I’m missing in a story. We’re all Johnnies here, I’d like to think.
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Pay For Play —
A Hamline professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students, a large Hamline football player, had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. The Piper lineman got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
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What follows is a compilation of Cobber game observations by some very loyal, very canny football followers of the Johnnies. I’m printing them anonymously so they can avoid any institutional, team or media ire:
Bob, Here is a quick synopsis of some things that stood out to me and several people at the game and La Playette postgame.
- Kicking XPs has got to end for this season. Eight games into the schedule including multiple kickers and it’s been brutal. Everyone knows that. The numbers say to go for two every time. I’d much rather the ball be placed in our All-American QB’s hands than what has been a hopeless kicking game.
- The Johnnies have to be the first team in football history to go 0 for 3 on XPs and actually end up -2 points based on the long returned blocked XP for the Cobbers. That is stunning.
- Saturday the Johnnies were atrocious inside the Cobbers 25-30 yard line (5-6 possessions with no points) including at least twice getting inside the 10 yard line coming away with 0 points.
- The sequence where Henry Trost was blatantly fouled via a yanked face mask near the goal line and then somehow the officials looking right at this don’t call it. Instead the Johnnies are inexplicably called for a holding penalty. This was worthy of a titanic meltdown from Gary on the officials.
Where's the flag, Ref? It was only obvious to all 5,200 fans watching this play. Henry Trost is nearly beheaded by a Cobber defender, but the penalty went to a Johnnie on a hold elsewhere and this one went uncalled.
- Cobbers coach Terry Horan was praying to get the game to overtime. The Concordia offense was a crime against the game of football and at no point in the second half was there a threat that they could string together a drive the length of the field to score. Additionally, and it played out this way, the kicking game matters even more than normal in overtime.
- The kicking game matters in the playoffs when every point is critical. Every opponent who knows you can’t kick even short FGs or XPs will be at a significant advantage. It’s been a problem all season including the UST game.
- The personnel and substitutions were an issue all day. There were several sequences where the play clock ran down or a delay of game penalty was called because of confusion/slow delivery of the play call. The ensuing penalties had the Johnnies behind the chains in several 1st and 15+ situations. Inexcusable in early November for a team with championship aspirations.
- The best players need to touch the ball the most. I couldn’t believe my eyes when Trost wasn’t out in the first set of downs during overtime. He’s your best weapon. He needs to touch the ball. When he did enter the game after a first down, he gashed the Cobber defense and scored. Similar to Evan Clark not getting nearly enough touches in the 2017 season, specifically the UST game at Target Field.
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Cultured Pipers —
A married couple, both Hamline U. grads, were trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle when they were invited to the husband’s boss’ party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The Piper wife, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to the Mall of America."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" the Hamline alum sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to the Mall of America? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to the Mall of America?"
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UUN Quote of the Week —
Food for the body is not enough.
There must be food for the soul.
— Dorothy Day
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About the Johnnie-Concordia Game —
Game Reports and Box Score:
From Saint John’s:
Post-Halloween Horrors for No. 4 SJU in Overtime Loss
No. 4 Saint John's football rolled to 581 yards of offense but committed 5 turnovers in a 19-18 overtime loss to Concordia on Saturday, Nov. 2 in Collegeville.
Sophomore running back Henry Trost banged in from 1 yard out to give SJU (7-1, 6-1 MIAC) an 18-12 lead to cap the first possession of overtime. The Johnnies converted the 2-point attempt, but were called for an illegal-man-downfield penalty. The ensuing extra-point attempt was blocked for the third time of the game. (Read more if you can bear it:) https://gojohnnies.com/news/2019/11/2/football-post-halloween-horrors-for-no-4-sju-in-overtime-loss.aspx
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From the Fargo Forum:
Cobbers upset No. 4 St. John’s in overtime
COLLEGEVILLE, Minn. — Blake Kragnes and the Concordia offense haven’t thrown the football much this season. They didn’t throw it much Saturday either.
But when the Cobbers needed it most, Kragnes delivered — connecting with Matt Bye on a 24-yard touchdown pass on a must-have 4th-and-9 in overtime that lifted Concordia to a shocking 19-18 upset of previously unbeaten St. John’s before a crowd of 5,381 on a blustery and gray day at Clemens Stadium. (Read/view more:)
https://www.inforum.com/sports/football/4752474-Cobbers-upset-No.-4-St.-Johns-in-overtime
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The Johnnie defense really tied up the Cobbers for most of the game.
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Twitter message From Damien Dumonceaux SJP ’01/SJU ’05 —
Tough loss today. Hats off to go Concordia. No excuses, we need to get better in all areas and I know our guys will be up to the challenge. John always told us, “Champions aren't those that are never knocked down. Champions always get up.” Always proud of our guys’ effort. — Coach Dumo
(Editor’s Note: Damien is a former Johnnie All-American defensive lineman who has been on the coaching staff for 14 years. He is recruiting coordinator and defensive line coach.)
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(Gleaned from Charley Walters column in last Sunday’s St. Paul Pioneer Press)
Fast-rising offensive tackle Ben Bartch, 6 feet 6, 305 pounds and playing for St. John’s, ranked No. 4 in NCAA Division III, should be a late-round pick in April’s NFL draft.
Speaking of St. John’s, don’t be surprised if Brendan McFadden, the former St. Thomas Academy star running back, transfers from Santa Clara to play for the Johnnies as a sophomore next year.
(Editor's 1st Note: Ben Bartch has accepted an invitation to play in the 2020 Reese's Senior Bowl, which is scheduled for 1:30 p.m. Saturday, Jan. 25, at Ladd Peebles Stadium in Mobile, Ala. The Reese's Senior Bowl is college football's premier senior showcase event. It annually features the country's best senior collegiate football players and top NFL draft prospects on teams representing the North and South. Bartch also will be in New Orleans in late December as a member of the 22-man, 2019 Allstate American Football Coaches Association (AFCA) Good Works Team.)
(Editor’s 2nd Note: Brendan McFadden, swift, strong, shifty and smart, was Twin City Metro Player of the Year last season; the first video that comes up is his senior year highlights. The video is 6:50 minutes but watching just two or three minutes gives you an indication of his talent. I remember Vic Murphy ’92 telling me last year that his first choice after Santa Clara University [Jesuit, no longer offering football] in California would be St. John’s. Let’s hope he actually does transfer in.) https://www.hudl.com/profile/6313324/Brendan-McFadden
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Video Highlights:
(Note: Apparently there is no highlight reel for the Concordia game, so let’s look at the Tommie game again)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaNvVsQEvlo (2 min.)
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Johnnie Question of the Week S2 E10, Halloween Edition —
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGpeE6pvX74 (8:31min.)
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Cold? Nobody here's complaining at the Concordia pregame tailgate. 17 Johnnie fans, lead by Dave Verkuilen, chipped in for this awesome tailgate tent.
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2019 SJU Football Schedule
(All remaining games start at 1 pm.)
Date Opponent Location
September 7 UW-Stout Menomonie, WI W - 14-7
September 14 Bye —
September 21 Gustavus Collegeville W - 33-21
September 28 Carleton Northfield W - 56-10
October 5 Augsburg Collegeville W - 61-6
October 12 Bethel Collegeville W - 19-0
October 19 St. Thomas St. Paul W - 38-20
October 26 St. Olaf Northfield W - 54-17
November 2 Concordia Collegeville L - 19-18
November 9 Hamline St. Paul
November 16 Rose-Hulman Collegeville
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MIAC Standings, After Week 9 —
SCHOOLS MIAC ALL
Saint John’s 6-1 7-1
Bethel 5-1 7-1
St. Thomas 5-1 6-2
Gustavus 4-2 6-2
Concordia 3-3 3-5
St. Olaf 3-3 5-3
Carleton 2-5 4-5
Augsburg 0-6 1-7
Hamline 0-6 1-7
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Wick’s Picks for Week Nine —
Results From Saturday, November 2
Hamline 7 - at Bethel 62 (My pick: Royals 62-0…right on!)
Carleton 28 - Gustavus 55 (My pick: Gusties 38-17…more points/same ratio.)
St. Thomas 56 - St. Olaf 7 (My pick: Tommies 65-10…in the ball park.)
St. John’s 18 - Concordia 19 (My pick: Johnnies 54-0…Who woulda thunk it?)
Augsburg bye.
Bottom Line: Three-for-four…and what a terrible miss!
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Around the MIAC —
10th Saturday, November 9
Augsburg at Bethel — Bethel is coming along like a house afire; if we hadn’t beaten them, they’d be ahead of us in the rankings. 65-10.
St. Olaf at Concordia — The Oles continue their reality lesson, losing 44-13.
Gustavus at St. Thomas — This actually should be a good game for awhile, with the Tommies emerging victors 46-28.
St. John’s at Hamline — Shouldn’t even be a question but I’ve been stung two weeks in a row acting as the consummate homer, so no predictions.
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d3Football Top 25 —
https://www.d3football.com/top25/2019/week9
Wow! What a difference a week makes. Last issue we were crying because we weren’t ranked No. 3 instead of UW-Whitewater; this week we’re quite fortunate only to have dropped to No. 8 from the No. 4 spot we’ve held most of the season. UW-W, by the way, just slipped by unranked UW-La Crosse 21-17 and, had we won big like we were supposed to do, we would have undoubtedly moved up one spot, making our case for top billing in the West that much tighter when the NCAA figures out play-off opponents and venues. Instead we blew it big time. I feel bad for our guys losing out on their home field, and SJU fans who now have to travel to support them.
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About The Hamline Game —
Listening To/Watching The Game:
Radio Network:
The Bear 660 AM WBHR
-Sauk Rapids
*Covering central and northern Minnesota
KDIZ-1570 AM
*Covering the Twin Cities and western Wisconsin
1170 AM KOWZ
-Waseca
*Covering southern Minnesota and northern Iowa
Listening via Internet:
https://portal.stretchinternet.com/csbsju/
(Coverage begins at 11 am)
Live Streaming:
https://portal.stretchinternet.com/hamline/
(website says broadcast starts at 12:30 pm for 1 pm game time)
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Let’s talk Johnnie Football —
From Jeff Norman ’78, New Brighton, MN —
Just want to let everyone know that we had a good time at the first two TC Johnnie Weekly - “Red Talks”. We will continue these informal get-togethers through the SJU football season.
Let’s talk Johnnie football. (Note: time and location change)
Everyone is invited to socialize and talk Johnnie Football at this week’s TC Johnnie Weekly. This week’s gathering is at sports bar/restaurant favorite:
JJ’s Clubhouse at 6:00.
Topics for next Wednesday:
- Review/discuss regional rankings
- Prep for Rose-Hulman
- Others.
Last night's Question: What are the 10 Best Johnnie Football games ever played? Here's what the group discussed (In no particular order and we realize there is recency bias):
- 1963 National Championship
- 1965 National Championship
- 1976 National Championship
- 2003 National Championship
- 2018 ust
- John’s 409 Bethel
- 2017 Target Field ust
- 2019 Allianz ust
- Overtime win over UST 10~ years ago.
- 2000 national championship game.
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JJ’s Clubhouse
6400 Wayzata Blvd
Minneapolis, MN 55426
West of Hwy 100 on 394. Exit Louisiana Avenue and return on the north side of 394 back east to JJ’s Clubhouse.
(Editor’s Further Question for Discussion: What are/should be the ramifications for the officials that miss important calls that cost a game? Is tar and feathering too strict?)
* * * *
Jeff Norman '78 (left) and Bill Kauffmann '87 right) are shown at the Minnesota vs. Cleveland State basketball game with an old friend. Walking through the doors they see the avid St. John's supporter, legendary Dick Wilke (who was doing his concession thing at that venue). he game hadn’t started yet and Bill had no less than four people introduce themselves as Johnnies and one Gustie. Wear your Johnnie gear and meet new people.
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On A Roll —
A Hamline University sophomore was standing in front of a soda machine in the vestibule of his dorm. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. The guy set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a Coke comes out the machine!
The fellow continued to do this until another student waiting to use the machine became impatient. “Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?”
The Piper turns around and says, “Yeah right! I’m not giving up this machine while I’m still winning!”
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The UnCasual Fan —
Review of the 19-18 loss to Concordia on Saturday November 2, 2019
That is why they play the game. The team that is supposed to win the game usually does. Especially a team that is ranked #4 in the country vs. a team that is 2-3 in the MIAC. Especially a team that recently convincingly defeated teams its opponent just lost to by scores of 31-0 and 51-6. Maybe we just wanted to make sure we did not get put on a list to get kicked out of the MIAC.
Before I go any further, my compliments to a well-coached and well-played game by Concordia. They held their composure, they kept themselves in the game and gave themselves a chance to win. Their defensive backfield played our receivers tight all game and pressured them all day. They did not turn the ball over. Their kicking game and special teams were a positive contribution. Teams in the MIAC need to bring their “A” game to beat Concordia and we did not
Hopefully this is just one of those games. We need to learn from it and move on. But the truth is no one is going to be harder on the coaches or the players than themselves. They do not need to look at game films to know what happened or why we lost:
1. We turned the ball over 5 times (Concordia had zero TO’s)
2. We had too many penalties at critical times.
3. Our kicking game – enough said
There has been and will be more than a fair share of referee, player and coach bashing about this game. I am going to try and take a different approach or a “cup is half full” perspective.
Cup is Half Full:
· Our cup is more than half full. We have only lost 1 game. Let’s get over it and move on to the next game.
· If someone would have told us before the start of the season we would win the MIAC, lose only 1 game (assumes we win the next 2), qualify for the playoffs and most likely have at least one home playoff game we would have gladly taken that and been very happy
· I still smile when I think about the UST game . We will be talking about that game for year and years
· Our defense played great again (except for 1 play) and kept us in the game all day long
· Our offense generated 580+ yards of offense
· Henry Trost looked awesome !!!!
Some Concerns
Besides our kicking game, the thing that concerns me the most has been our slow start to most games. We just seem to take a while to fire on all cylinders (no disrespect meant to Carleton or Augsburg). Case in point:
· Slow start at Stout – lucky to win
· Gustavus tied 14-14 with just a few minutes to go in the first half
· Bethel – Thank you defense
· St. Thomas – behind 14-0 before we knew what hit us
· St. Olaf – behind 17-14 at one time
· Concordia – behind 10-6 at halftime
We will not be able to afford a slow start or try to make up 14 points in the playoffs
Speaking of the kicking game — the biggest problem is not that we are having difficulty making extra points. The biggest problem is that it is forcing us to do things that no other college football team (and most good high school teams) do not even have to think about. That is taking those easy 3 point chip shots when inside the 10 or 15 yard line. Not a big deal for most conference games but it cost us dearly in this last game and could do the same in the playoffs. I am not sure what the solution is at this point other than to go for two the rest of the year and accept whatever that brings us.
Next up is Hamline in St. Paul. They are 1-7 on the year. This game will not prove much one way or the other. If we do decide to kick extra points I am assuming it will be someone who has not kicked for us before.
The UnCasual Fan
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GENTLEMAN JOHNNY
(Editor’s Explanation: The following poem was sent in by a tiny, friendly, lively, feisty woman in her mid-80s that I see exercising at the Midway YMCA. Noticing my SJU T-shirt, she has befriended me as she loves St. John’s and was instrumental in having her California grandson, now a sophomore, enroll there. Hearing about the UUN, she asked to contribute a poem about the general drinking culture in colleges and need for moderation. I might add she didn’t like the Red Solo Cup video.)
Gentleman Johnny
had a near beer at the party.
He was new and a smarty.
He knew the best way to be trusted by all
and respected by all.
He made many friends,
and they’ll ask him again
Gentleman Johnny
had one beer at the party.
He was a smarty,
Getting to know everyone there
felt just like a millionaire
He made many friends
and they’ll ask him again.
Gentleman Johnny
at his first party,
sipped two like a smarty.
a tiny tipsy in his car
but made it, as it wasn’t far.
He made many friends
and they’ll ask him again.
Nervous and thirsty Johnny
loved his first party,
would be a smarty,
chugged his three beers.
had some trouble with stairs
People wondered a little,
but were non-committal.
Needy Guy, to be a Johnny
thought four beers would be a blast.
Showing off, he slugged them fast,
didn’t see the flabbergast,
but they took note, from first to last.
Didn’t like this noisy friend
they might not plan to ask again.
Confused Johnny made a mess,
thought this was a fun contest.
Five beers would be his acid test
This turned out to be a blunder,
people watched as he went under.
He thought that he had made a hit.
They thought that he was full of it.
Silly Johnny Jackass; never stops at five.
Hugs the bar and chugs them fast,
Time to leave? He’s always last.
Show his macho? Barf gazpacho!
People see him, time to go.
Considered jackass sans pareil
all his invites lost in mail.
* *
(An appropriate accompanying graphic to the above poem.)
* * * *
Nosy Neighbors —
A woman phoned her neighbor, a Hamline University professor, and said: “Please close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching you yesterday."
To which the Piper prof replied: “Well, the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!”
* * * *
CSB-SJU Sciences Made Easy —
(Specially prepared for Business/Accounting, Communications and Computer Science majors.)
(1) If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s biology.
(2) If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
(3) If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.
* * * *
Fr. Otto Weber ’57 to be Honored by NWCA’s Minnesota Chapter Nov. 24 —
When Maury Meyer heard the National Wrestling Coaches Association's Minnesota Chapter was honoring the late Fr. Otto Weber '57 with its Lifetime Achievement Award, the longtime coach and administrator at nearby Albany High School could not have been more pleased.
The award will be presented to the former coach and employee at both Saint John's Prep and Saint John's University in a ceremony to be held on Nov. 24 in the Great Hall.
The event runs from 1:30 to 3:30 p.m. The program itself is scheduled to begin at 2. The event is free, but donations are being accepted. Checks can be made payable to NWHOF-MN Chapter.
To RSVP, click on the link [ https://www.csbsju.edu/forms/GEUL2T80AX?fbclid=IwAR2A7bPEFNDdyDJ1CQyBcNQlsz1wijcJ-kI4CQq5U-e3IvdUAqZk7DKQvT0 ], email mikembredeck@gmail.com or call 612-910-0731.
(To read more about Fr. Otto and why he is receiving this award posthumously, click here: https://gojohnnies.com/news/2019/10/29/wrestling-fr-otto-weber-57-to-be-honored-by-nwcas-minnesota-chapter-nov-24.aspx?path=wrestling )
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English Majors' Corner —
Grammar walks into a bar - Part 1
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
(Compliments of our man in New Yawk City, Terry Kotnour '64)
* * * *
From Our Readers —
From the Football Whisperer —
Couple weeks ago, you asked me how our lack of a kicking game might affect our playoff hopes. I said 60% chance. 100% as of yesterday. And now a lot of people are attacking D3 because SJU only dropped 4 spots after losing to a 2 and 5 team.
Yesterday, Gary Fasching on the radio said, “If we win next Saturday, we win an automatic bid but probably only one home game and outside possibility of no home playoff games.”
The kicking game was not the sole reason for our loss but changed the complexion of the game. Fasching’s words. — FW
P.S. This just came out: Saint John’s is ranked fifth in the West Region. https://www.ncaa.com/rankings/football/d3/regional-rankings
(Editor’s Note: Paul Hamann ’63 also sent in the Hansen Computer Ratings for Div. III football: https://www.hansenratings.com/ You can read what all these categories mean here: https://www.hansenratings.com/ratings-explanation . Even with that assistance it’s all pretty technical for me.)
* *
From Wayne Hergott ’57, Edina, MN —
Bob, Another excellent UUN. Not an excellent game by our Johnnies. I said after the Tommie game that our kicking game would cost us, not during the MIAC season, but in the playoffs. I was wrong; it cost us big yesterday. We lost five points on the points-after-touchdown, three missed PAT’s, one of which was run back by the Cobbers for two points. If any of those would have been successful for us, we'd be the sole MIAC champions. Now we will share it.
Tough game. Lots of mistakes. Suspect Team seemed flat. I can understand that after so many big wins. I remember occasionally playing flat, knew I was, tried to get myself excited and just couldn't do it. Maybe that was the case yesterday.
HOWEVER, I firmly believe the team will play more focused and hyped up in the playoffs because of yesterday's loss than it would had we won. I don't like the loss, especially if it causes us to share the title with UST [Ed: or maybe Bethel], but believe it is a blessing in disguise; at least there is some good in it. Now we get back on track. — Wayne
(Editor’s Note: Wayne was the quarterback on John Gagliardi’s first St. John’s team.)
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From Denny Bracco ’75, Oak Park, IL —
Great letter as usual. What the HELL HAPPENED? — DMB
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From Tony Sandeen 94, Hong Kong, SAR —
Wick, I didn't like your comment about the Cobbers proclivity to give the Jays trouble in last week's Underground issue and I liked it even less seeing the results this weekend. I don't normally believe in jinx's but... Won’t ask any questions here about the how’s or why’s but will wait for your newsletter. Hopefully this a one-off, we get back in form to prepare for the playoffs. — Tony
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From Conrad Macina, Landing, NJ —
Ugh! Terrible outcome. That danged kicking game again.
Re the “Let’s Talk Johnnie Football” question — where should the next Johnnie-Tommie game be played?, if an adoptive Johnnie can respond to the question of the week, I think it would be a mistake to play a key game anyplace other than where the head coach wants to play. — Conrad
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From Tom McKeown ’52, Mendota Heights, MN —
Rob, thanks for another great issue of UUN. I missed reading the post-Tommie game issue. I thought I had been “cut”. After reading today that other readers found “lost” issues in various non-in boxes [Ed: i.e., spam filters], I went exploring and found I must have “reassigned” the prior issue.
With appropriate Benedictine humility and reflection, I have concluded that my advancing technical incompetence, or thick fingers, bad eyesight, etc., etc. are responsible for the loss. I realize that as we navigate the tenth decade, very few of us are as competent as Fr. Don in employing 21st century technology.
Anyway, great issues reporting on a wonderful SJU season. — Tom
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From Josie Stang, Abbey Cemetery manager —
Bob, thanks for another great issue. This crow is EXACTLY like the one I saw earlier this morning sitting on one of the monks’ headstones. It’s a crazy coincidental world!
But mostly -- thanks for including All Souls’ Day—hope to see you Saturday if all goes as planned! — Josie
This photo shows just a fraction of the crowd of about 125 who attended the All Souls’ Day prayer service led by Abbot John Klassen at the Abbey Cemetery. While there we said hello to Ed Goossens SJP ‘74/SJU ‘78, Bob ’65 and Joanne Neis, and Dave Wendt ’63.
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A UST Tragedy —
A bus carrying a group of University of St. Thomas students was involved in an accident, and everyone on the bus died. When they arrived in Heaven, God decided, because of their grief, to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise. They’re all lined up and God asks the first one what his wish is.
The first UST student answers, “I want to be really smart.” God snaps His fingers, and it is done. One by one each of the Tommies said the same thing – all want to be really smart. At the end of the line, the last guy started laughing.
He was rolling on the ground laughing when God gets to him, and asks him what his wish would be.
Finally, the man catches his breath and says, “Make them all Tommies again. “
* * * *
Upcoming Nuptials, Nuptials, Nuptials… —
Bennie student: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."
Johnnie friend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
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Johnnies Hockey Blog —
Season Opener Report
http://www.sjujohnnieshockeyblog.com
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Wicker's Health Rant —
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Last UUN Notice: Give SJU Day Nov. 13 —
How it works
• SJU’s goal is for 1,300 donors to stand up and give to the Saint John’s Student Fund on November 13
• 100% of your gift supports Student Fund Scholarships
• Every gift to the Student Fund—every size—will receive a $100 matching gift up to $130,000.
How to help on Give SJU Day
• Create a matching gift (some amount for every donor in your class) or personal plea video on GiveCampus
• Call, text, or email donors in your class to invite them to give or thank them for giving. Need help breaking the ice (or don’t feel like writing)? We’ve got templates.
• Wear your Give SJU Day shirt and post a selfie wearing it with hashtag #giveSJUday
• Show students some love on SJU’s Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and Instagram
Every gift to the Student Fund — every size — makes a difference
https://www.givecampus.com/schools/SaintJohnsUniversity/give-sju-day-2019/?a=3134804#updates
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School of Theology Corner, Modern Liturgical Practices —
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth.”
“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.”
“But Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that ... But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”
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Battle Between The Sexes, Three Variations On A Theme —
(Contributed by Tommy Cebulla ’58, Andover, MN)
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
* *
When Jim retired, he and his wife, who was much, much younger, moved to a beach town.
Once they’d settled in, he decided it was about time to make a will, so he made an appointment with a lawyer.
“I want it to be nice and straightforward,” he instructed the attorney, “Everything goes to my wife: the house, the car, the pension and the life insurance, under one condition that she remarry within the year.”
“Fine, Mr. Ramsey,” said the lawyer, “But do you mind my asking why the condition?”
“Simple! I want at least one person to be sorry I died.”
* *
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her; I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man. He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
* * * *
Battle Between The Sexes, "What's Your Sign?" Department —
(Compliments of Sister Lois Wedl, OSB, St. Benedict's Monastery)
* * * *
More Scenes From Stearns County —
Otto Reifenrath was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours on Middle Spunk Lake in Avon.
Norbert Leutmer interrupted the story saying, "I saw da picture you took of dat fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Otto replied, "Well...a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during dat three hours of fightin’."
* * * *
The Last Word —
(Compliments of Bernie Kukar ’62, Edina,l MN)
For years a successful Italian-American businessman was having an affair with a young Italian woman he’d rendezvous with on his frequent trips to Rome.
One night she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, the businessman paid her a large sum of money if she would quietly have the child there in Italy. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child and kept their secret, he would provide monthly child support until the child turned 18.
She agree, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard and write ”Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, a little over seven months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said. “You received a very strange postcard today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain later,” he said. The wife obeyed and then watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: ‘Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.’
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Like a Phoenix, rising out of the ashes of a bitter defeat, it's now time to rally with the boys, yelling out clearly and often:
GO JOHNNIES! Smoke the Pipers! (Or something like that.)
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Sincerely yours in Johnnie Bread, I remain your humble editor:
R. L. Wicker SJP ’60/SJU ’64
theowick@aol.com ; 651-699-4697
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