UUN proclaims ‘Eve of Tommie Destruction’ (UUN #8-19)
Dear Johnnie Red People —
Good golly! Who woulda thunk it? SJU skunking the powerful Bethel Royals? Hats off to the Defense. It played an inspired game and just tied up the Bethel Bullies in knots, limited them to just 58 yards in the second half; yes, the same team that was averaging over 40 points a game before last Saturday and was ranked No. 6 in the nation.
Offensively one name sure comes to mind in this outstanding win: sophomore phenon Ravi Alston. The kid caught nine passes for 188 yards and a terrific, acrobatic touchdown (pictured below), leading the Johnnies to a 19-0 shut-out victory before 5,200 huddled fans in chilly Collegeville. Ravi ended the scoring with a 29-yard touchdown grab, his team-leading fifth of the season, with 5:55 left in the third quarter. The falling-backwards catch ended a 10-play, 93-yard scoring drive that ate up 5:38 on the clock. He had five catches for 87 yards on that drive alone. Ravi currently leads the team in receiving yards (422), yards per catch (20.1) and receiving touchdowns (5), and is tied for the team lead with 21 receptions.
(Photo by Libby Auger; note the dour-looking Bethel people on the sideline watching Ravi’s catch, seeing their dreams of grandeur slipping away.)
However, things didn’t start out so nicely for the Jays. Bethel recovered a Johnnie fumble on the opening kickoff and converted one of its 10 first downs on the day, and kicked a 37-yarder through the uprights, but was called for a false start. The subsequent attempt from 42 yards out hit the left upright, and Bethel never came close to scoring the rest of the day. The Royals were just 1-for-11 on third down, and Bethel QB Jaran Roste was limited to 14-for-26 passing for 93 yards on the afternoon. Our often suspect secondary really rose to the occasion. Jackson Erdmann completed 16 of 25 passes for 326 yards and the one touchdown, while Kai Barber carried 18 times for 81 yards and a score.
All things weren’t great, though. We failed to convert a 2-point conversion, and had an extra point and a field goal blocked. That’s quite worrisome at this stage of the season. I also had hoped for a more controlling or at least higher scoring game by the Johnnies. We had to punt nine times, for gosh sakes! Four more than even Bethel.
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This all sets the stage for the hyped-up game with the Tommies at an overly-expensive venue for Div. III football. While never saying never, at this point I don’t plan to attend any more games there. The high cost of tickets sickens me and all the restrictions to get in and hassle to get there are things I can do without. The only good thing about this location is that is is closer to a football field that Target Field, and with more appropriate seating.
Still, it should be one heck of a game. If you examine the stats, St. Thomas is slightly higher than St. John’s in most categories. If you compare the scores of victories, UST is higher in several categories, such as average yards per carry, number of rushing yards, TDs scored and the like. But then you look at the Tommies’ record: Trinity International 69-3; Hamline 74-14; Concordia 51-6; and Augsburg 53-0. Oh, we should be afraid, very afraid, right? Well, not exactly.
There’s that embarrassing 19-21 loss to the only reasonably tough opponent, UW-Eau Claire, they’ve faced. Virtually everyone else they played were cupcakes except maybe Concordia — that lopsided win really surprised a lot of people. However, my point is the Tommies, however good they are — and I think they are quite good, probably better than Bethel — still haven’t been tested with tough games thus far. At least not as many as SJU who slipped by a pretty determined UW-Stout, tamed a scrappy Gustavus and then shut the door on a very credible Bethel squad, improving each game. Our two other games with Carleton and Augsburg don’t factor in so much, other than they served as good competitive practice.
St. Thomas’ QB, junior Tommy Dolan, has been up and down so far this year…mostly up against the cupcakes and looking pretty inadequate against Eau Claire. He might just have had a bad night or he may have been unable to rise to the occasion during a stress-filled game. Overall, passing by UST won’t kill us, but it might make some dents. The key to the Tommies’ offense is its running game with two of the best RBs in the conference — Josh Parks and Tom Loeffler. These guys are for real and will be a handful for our guys. Over the years Josh has done his thing against us. Defensively St. Thomas seems to be as good or better than Bethel.
We beat them last year through the air. Jackson Erdmann got the ball off so much faster than usual, plus the line and RBs blocked like crazy for him. I can’t see Caruso coming up with anything majorly better to stop that this year, other than trying to have his guys hurt Erdmann or his receivers. Earlier this summer while speaking to a gathering of older Johnnies, and in response to the question, “Who’s dirtier — Bethel or the Tommies?” he thought a few seconds and then said it was the Tommies, and then he gave some examples of their poor sportsmanship. Our Defense will be heavily tested, but then again, they already have been and will be ready for UST. I’m thinking it will be close, maybe very close, but that we emerge undefeated with a clear path then to the MIAC championship. Still, it’s the Johnnie-Tommie game and anything can happen.
(A further note: During our game with Bethel when nearly 5,000 intrepid Johnnie supporters and probably 200+ Bethel fans drove up to cheer despite the cold, snowy conditions, it is illustrative to note that only 208 souls showed up to watch the Tommie-Auggie game at Augsburg. So when you hear all the shouting, insults and cheers from the Purple Side this Saturday, keep in mind that their support of their team is as thin as a piece of toilet paper, that they care more about the partying and hype than support their team.
This morning (Wednesday) I was talking with a man at our fitness class at the Midway Y who lives close by the St. Thomas campus. Without knowing I was a Johnnie, he said that he just hated this Johnnie-Tommie Week because of the antics of the UST students. He said it all comes to a head about 10 am Saturday morning and builds steadily throughout the day and continues until late at night. The yelling, the drinking, the crowds, the litter, the swearing, laughter, public urination, loud music just ruins the tenor of the neighborhood and spoils the day for him and his neighbors. He said he’s lived there for 22 years but things only got really bad about ten years ago, or probably a bit after UST began its huge growth spurt, adding programs and students without any regard to how the additional population, traffic, housing and parking issues, and behavior would affect their neighbors.)
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About the Bethel Game —
Game Report:
https://gojohnnies.com/news/2019/10/12/football-no-4-sju-blanks-no-6-bethel-19-0.aspx
Video Highlights:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhIPBzz9ScY (2:15 min.)
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Johnnie Question of the Week S2 E8 —
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DA3WrOMWOcs
(Premieres at noon CST, Thursday Oct 17, 2019)
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Failed Math —
UST football coach Glenn Caruso walked into the St. Thomas locker room early in the week before the big game with St. John’s, looked over to one of his star players and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The Tom player agreed, so Glenn looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The Tommie thought for a moment and then answered, "Four?"
"Did you say four?" Glenn exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming... "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
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The Johnnie - Tommie Rivalry —
The best rivalry in D3 Football and one of the best
at any division in the nation.
by Jeff Norman ‘78
I played QB on the National Championship team in 1976. I loved this rivalry. The rivalry was and is the best in Division 3 football. Every player and fan knows it as the biggest week on the schedule. It's called Tommie Week.
Every player knows their record against UST. We were 4 - 0 (thanks for asking). The games were always played for the conference championship and always played for pride: personal, team and school. Everything was on the line.
The games were always a joy to play. They were competitive, fun and brought out the best in both teams. A teammate of mine who has played and officiated high school and college football for more then 40 years recently said, "Our first game against UST was "the hardest-hitting game that I ever witnessed, ever. Nothing was left on the field". (This probably could be said every year. The point is that this game was always a battle and still is).
One of the reasons for the great rivalry is the proximity of the schools. Being only an hour apart, often both schools recruited the same players. One of our games even included brothers - one per side. We watched "our brother" trying not to be too obvious as he cheered when his "Tommie brother" intercepted a pass and ran it down our sideline for a touchdown. (The only pick 6 of my career AND I've already noted our victory).
Some great memories of a great rivalry. Some day I'll be asked, was the old SJU - UST rivalry really as good as they say. I'll just say, it was THE BEST.
(Contributors to these thoughts: Mike Carr ‘77; Scott Becker ‘77; Mike Richie ’80; Greg Thomas ‘78; Rich Van Lith '78; and the 1976 National Championship team. Jeff’s comments are to be included in Let’s Play Football, co-published by Mike Sonntag ’95, who played for John Gagliardi at St. John’s from 1991-1994; that 4-year class went 42-5-1with 3 losses coming in the national semifinals. Founded in 2019 by Mike Sonntag and Bryan Zollman, Let's Play Football is a newspaper devoted to covering all levels of football in the state of Minnesota. It is published nine times in the fall from August through November. Go here to subscribe or visit Mike’s website: www.letsplayfootballmn.com )
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Listening To/Watching The Game —
Listening via Internet:
https://portal.stretchinternet.com/csbsju/
(Coverage begins at 11 am)
Live Streaming:
https://portal.stretchinternet.com/tommiesports/portal.htm?eventId=560093&streamType=video
(Won’t be available until 15 minutes before game start…or about 5 minutes to 1 pm)
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Pre-Game Opportunities —
We contracted the Dubliner - https://thedublinerpub.com/ - and the owner is opening the Pub at 9:00 am - a number of the Class of '72 are planning to arrive around 10:00 am - but I would think the owner would enjoy all Johnnies. — Tom Hokr ’72
Union 32 Craft House in Eagan (co-owned by Dan Redpath ’90 and Curt Hoffman ’90): https://www.union32crafthouse.com/rivalry (I believe rides to and from the game…be sure to check first)
Stout’s in Falcon Heights http://www.stoutspub.com/
Skinner’s Pub at Randolph and Milton in St. Paul running buses too the game —free shuttle and parking and “best food in all of St.Paul. Jim Platten ’70/‘74
http://www.skinnersmn.com/contact/
There are also two great pre-game options right at Allianz Field:
9:30-11 a.m. Pregame with a Purpose – food packing challenge: https://youmatterchallenge.eventbrite.com
MN United have also organized Fan Fest on The Great Lawn (right next to the food packing event – you can flow between the two) that will have food trucks and beverage sales from 9 a.m. to kickoff.
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Game Information —
NOTE: Allianz enforces a strict “clear bag” policy. Go here now to see what is prohibited so you won’t be delayed, disappointed and charged rent to store your items at $10 a crack: https://www.mnufc.com/stadium/gameday/clear-bag
(Parking’s going to be a bee-atch, so be sure to read this:
https://www.mnufc.com/stadium/gameday/transportation )
Great deal on Metro Transit:
Try using public transportation when you can. Weekends/Holidays — adults -$4; youth and seniors-$2. Buy it at a light rail station or online; just jump on and off trains and buses as often as needed until 2 a.m. Go here for details: https://www.metrotransit.org/all-day-pass
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The Tommie’s First Job —
A new graduate of the University of St. Thomas began her first job working at a downtown St. Paul bank. After a week’s training she starting her first assignment as a teller.
Early her first morning a customer walked in, handed her a withdrawal slip for $400 and said, “I’d like large bills, please.”
The Tommette looked at him with concern and replied, “I’m sorry, sir…all our bills are the same size.”
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2019 SJU Football Schedule
(All games start at 1 pm, except the St. Thomas game, naturally, which starts at 1:10 pm.)
Date Opponent Location
September 7 UW-Stout Menomonie, WI W - 14-7
September 14 Bye —
September 21 Gustavus Collegeville W - 33-21
September 28 Carleton Northfield W - 56-10
October 5 Augsburg Collegeville W - 61-6
October 12 Bethel Collegeville W - 19-0
October 19 St. Thomas St. Paul (Allianz Field)
October 26 St. Olaf Northfield
November 2 Concordia Collegeville
November 9 Hamline St. Paul
November 16 Rose-Hulman Collegeville
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MIAC Standings, After Week 5 —
SCHOOLS MIAC ALL
Saint John’s 4-0 5-0
St. Olaf 3-0 5-0
St. Thomas 3-0 4-1
Bethel 2-1 4-1
Concordia 2-2 2-4
Gustavus 1-2 3-2
Carleton 1-3 3-3
Augsburg 0-4 1-5
Hamline 0-4 1-5
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Wick’s Picks for Week Six —
Results From Saturday, October 12
Carleton 12 - Hamline 7 (My pick: Knights 34-20 - a defensive struggle)
Gustavus 35 - Concordia 28 (My pick: Gusties 36-17 - pretty close)
St. Thomas 53 - Augsburg 0 (My pick: U$T 83-0 - did the Toms show mercy?)
Bethel 0 - St. John’s 19 (My pick: SJU 38-24 - Surprise, surprise…a goose egg!)
Bottom Line: Four-for-four on the winners but three of my scores sure were off.
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Around the MIAC —
7th Saturday, October 19
Hamline vs Gustavus — Alas, poor Pipers…I knew them well. The Gusties will race through them like a hot knife through room temperature butter, 48-3.
Augsburg vs Carleton — Much like last week, Carleton will eke out another win, only because they are (hold up your thumb and forefinger) this much better, 22-14.
St. Olaf vs Bethel — After feasting on all the have-nots for a 5-0 record, look for the Oles not to win another game this season, as the Royals shut them down, 32-14.
St. John’s vs St. Thomas — Look for a tense, close game with the Jays emerging victors 26-20. And look for innumerable arrests of purple-clad undergrads for drunk and disorderly behavior.
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d3Football Top 25 —
https://www.d3football.com/top25/2019/week6
After Week 6 the top of the rankings remain pretty much the same; the Top Five stay in their positions with St. John’s firmly in 4th where they’ve been for several weeks. Bethel, which had been No. 6, fell only to No. 10 while the four teams immediately below them jumped one point. St. Thomas remained at No. 11, right under the Royals and not rewarded for beating Augsburg, as Bethel was a couple weeks previously. Obviously somebody likes Bethel. Interestingly No. 19 UW-Platteville lost to No. 3 UW-Whitewater in a close contest (21-14) before 12,400 fans and actually jumped one point to No. 18. Mary Hardin-Baylor remained at No. 1 despite the possibility of having its 2016 Div. III football championship vacated. They’re a pretty good team but they mainly play a bunch of Augsburg/St. Olaf equivalents. Here’s an article about their mess: https://www.d3football.com/notables/2019/10/umhb-to-appeal-vacation-of-title
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Remembering Hilary, Part 4 —
(Ken Roering ’64 made the following remarks about Fr. Hilary Thimmesh, OSB as part of his acceptance speech made at 2019 Fr. Walter Reger Award ceremony this past June.)
In the spirit of complete transparency, in the fall of 1960 I enrolled in St. John’s University as a Physics major but made the life-changing mistake of taking Fr. Hilary for my first required English class.
He was a demanding and motivating teacher but never more so then on one wonderful afternoon when, in an effort to stimulate the interest of a quasi-attentive group of young men in the poetry of Robert Frost, he read “Out, Out” to the class as we followed along in our poetry books.
“Out, Out” is a very sad poem and he read it to us with considerable emotion. I remember becoming so moved that my eyes began to tear up to the extent that I was reluctant to look up and thus expose the depth of its impact on me.
When I finally did look up from my poetry book I was surprised and somewhat relieved to see tears running down Fr. Hilary’s cheeks. At that moment I decided that any subject that could touch me in such a manner was something I wanted to spend much more time studying. I immediately changed my major from Physics to English and remain so very grateful to Fr. Hilary to this day.
(Editor’s Note: Here is a link to the poem for those interested:
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/53087/out-out )
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Quote of the Week:
Dance like no one is watching because they’re not. They are checking their cellphones.
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Johnnie-Tommie Rivalry Starts Early —
On Tuesday St. Therese Catholic School, Deephaven, MN, celebrated “Johnnie-Tommie Day” as declared by school principal Adam Groebner, pictured in the middle. Jason ‘03 and Lindsay Novak Good’s ’03 daughters Betsy and Jane attend the school along with Ryan Keating’s ‘03 daughter…Johnnies and Bennies came out in full force.
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Johnnie-Tommie Game a Memorable, Emotional Rivalry for the Ages —
By Frank Rajkowski, SJU Writer/Video Producer
When Pat Mayew '91 first arrived in Collegeville in the fall of 1988, the Kenosha, Wisconsin native didn't know all that much about the Saint John's-St. Thomas rivalry.
He was brought up-to-speed fairly quickly.
"I didn't realize how intense it was," said Mayew, the Johnnies' starting quarterback in 1990 and 1991.
"I wasn't from Minnesota, and I didn't have friends who went to St. Thomas or really know anyone on their team. But as soon as I got up here, I saw pretty quickly how big (the rivalry) was.
"All you had to do was look up at the stands and see how many people were out there. No matter where the game was, the crowd was overflowing. You could tell right away that this was a big deal.” (Read more here:)
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49ers Dig Deep For St. John’s Prep —
Present for their 70th St. John’s Prep class reunion last July 31 in St. Paul were 11 of the 15 remaining members of the Class of 1949. From left were Lou Gottwalt (Shoreview, MN); Bob Cebulla (St. Croix Falls, WI); Dick Doyle (Forest Lake, MN) Roger Linnemann (La Feria, TX); Bob Wind (St. Paul, MN); Norb Berg (St. Paul, MN); Jim Sifferle (Bloomington, MN); Dick Schafer (Sartell, MN); Bernie Meuwissen Beaverton, OR); Jon McGee (Head of School, SJP); Rev. Mark Willenbring (Sauk Rapids, MN); and Elmer Trousdale (St. Paul, MN).
70th anniversary of the Class of 1949
By Lou Gottwalt SJP ’49/SJU ‘54
Many thanks to all of the '49ers present at our 70th reunion celebration. It took place at Axel's Supper Club in Mendota. We were honored by the presence of Jon McGee ’84 the new "Head of School" for the St. John's Prep School . Jon is the first lay Head of School in the entire history of the Prep School. He is the first lay leader of the school following 29 monastic members of St. John's Abbey who have lead the school since its founding in 1857.
Chris Twomey SJP 1966, chair of the Prep School Board of Regents, also attended our reunion. Aaron Miller, Vice President of Advancement ,was on another assignment the
day of our reunion but Angie Baszler, Director of Advancement, was able to join us. Our thanks to all three of them for attending our event.
Everyone enjoyed singing Roger Linnemann's composition of '49ers in the Morning (Nothing could be finer, than to be a ‘49er") . There were eleven out of a total of fifteen there. Lots of chatter about "Way back then” about football and sports, class room and study hall antics.
As a Class Act, we could not be prouder for having contributed to the St Michael Hall Fund Drive 100%. Every one of the class did his part in this, including all that did not make it to the reunion. Many thanks go out to Aaron Miller and Angie Baszler who helped keep the inspiration going. We can do this, and we did reach our very personal goal: $4,949.49 (actual total of our donations is $5,250.00).
70 years! Wow! ...Congratulations to All! — Lou
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More Scenes From Stearns County —
After the passing of his wife Florence, semi-retired farmer Orton Biersbach was lonely and increasingly bored. Since his kids didn’t stop in too often anymore and he didn’t really know the new neighbors, Orton finally decided to buy a TV. The radio had always been enough for the Biersbachs — weather in the morning, the farm reports at noon, and the Deutscher Boys Polka Hour after supper had always sufficed. But it was time for something new, Orton thought.
So he went all the way into St. Cloud to buy one. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day at his farm.
The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel.
The next morning Orton turned the TV on and found only political ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.
The next day when Orton still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that Orton was right! After looking at the TV for a while, he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.
The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and the ground rod was in the manure pile.
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Polidazzle 2019 —
Join CSB/SJU students, alums, faculty and staff for the 14th annual Polidazzle Social at the Metropolitan Ballroom & Clubroom. This popular tradition gives current students a chance to meet and mingle with alums who are active in civic and political life and alums a chance to connect with the next group of talented, ambitious Bennies and Johnnies. Drinks and hors d'oeuvres will be served. Guests are welcome.
The event is sponsored by the Eugene J. McCarthy Center for Public Policy & Civic Engagement.
Date: Tuesday, November 19, 2019
Time: 7:00 p.m.
Location: Metropolitan Ballroom & Clubroom, 5418 Wayzata Blvd. Golden Valley, MN 55416
Cost: $20 for Alums/non-students, $10 for students
Registration for this event is required. Please click the "register" link below to register. https://securelb.imodules.com/s/1433/interior.aspx?sid=1433&gid=1&pgid=5294&cid=8216
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The Medical Emergency —
This St. Cloud State alumna gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s going on?” she asks.
“I think I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband.
The Lady Husky rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, “Mommy, Mommy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the closet, and she has no clothes on.”
The SCSU grad slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband. She rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
“Some sister you are!” she screams. “My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids?!”
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My Golly! It’s Time For Hockey Already —
Here is the first St. John’s Hockey Blog of the season. “Let’s Play Hockey” is contributed weekly by Doug Schueller, entering his 11th season as head coach.
http://www.sjujohnnieshockeyblog.com
Doug Schueller, Head Hockey Coach.
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What causes you to come back every week to celebrate the Eucharist? —
By Father Joseph Gillespie, OP ‘64
(The following is an excerpt from Fr. Joe’s Weekly Essay in the St. Albert the Great Parish Bulletin, October 13. You can read the entire piece by going here:
http://www.saintalbertthegreat.org/content.cfm?id=2068 )
In a recent statement by Pope Francis, he called himself a “sinner” and implied that we must all admit to our sinfulness before we can form a church that reflects a true understanding of Jesus’ healing forgiveness. When Pope Francis was asked by the atheist editor of the Italian newspaper, “La Repubblica”, “How can you be a sinner? You are the Pope.” Francis replied, “Obviously, you have not been reading your history!”
All of us can find ourselves on the outside of the Church looking in. What would be the reason to “re- up” and become a vital force in a tired organization. Clearly the grace of God becomes a motivating factor in recreating the miracle of connectedness. The invitation to find the church as a spiritual oasis remains a gift for all of us to awaken to any day of the week.
If someone were to ask what causes you to come back every week and celebrate the Eucharist, how would you answer? In the words of Jesus found in Paul’s letter to Timothy, Jesus begins by inviting the community “To Remember.” That is what the liturgy is all about: an act of ritual remembrance of the saving acts of God in Christ. We gather to remember, to listen to the stories (scripture), to break bread (Eucharist), to give thanks. Developing a natural attitude of gratitude remains the true secret ingredient for all of us who find our way back into church.
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Age old question answered by Prime —
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
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The Tommie and His Motorcycle —
A UST student walked into an insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the Tommie replied. "Is that the same thing?"
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From Our Readers —
Battle Between The Sexes, Animal Kingdom Division —
(From Chuck Garrity, friend of St. John’s, Naples, FL)
Nuptials of a different kind ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLASPkPs7g0 (2:33 min.)
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From Conrad Macina, Landing, NJ —
More Vagaries of Old Age:
I was reviewing my grandfather’s nursing home bill. I asked why they were giving him Viagra.
“Oh, we give that to all our male patients. It keeps them from rolling off the bed.”
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From Larry Haeg ’63/’76, St. Paul, MN; and also Paul Hamann ’63, Edina, MN; and Tom McKasy ’60/’64, Burnsville, MN —
Bob: Please see attached link.
https://www.foxnews.com/sports/mary-hardin-baylor-penalized-vacate-national-title
At end of story says MHB is on probation for two years. Wonder if that means they’re banned from post-season play this year and next? — Larry
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From Nellie Klein ’60, wife of Gary ’58, St. Cloud, MN —
Rob — The UUN is an informative and fun read. Great week of jokes too! The Johnnies have to be ready for all facets of the game Saturday. I just hope lousy weather is not a factor in the outcome of the game!
Great weekend for me! Friday...Foley/Princeton; Saturday...Johnnies/Bethel; Sunday...Vikings/Philly Eagles. Nell is happy!
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From John Maas ’58, Hudson, WI —
Rob — Thanks for a great summary and Go Johnnies! — John
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From Joe Deitch, friend of St. John’s, Plymouth, MN —
Bob, I thought you accidentally posted a basketball score against Augsburg :-) Love your jokes. — Joe
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From Sister Lois Wedl, OSB, “No. 1 Sports Fan”, College of St. Benedict —
Amazing in so many ways, Bob . . . information, chuckles, photos and great affirmation. Thanks, Bob. — Lois
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From Jon Dold ’94, Sartell, MN —
Hello Mr. Wicker, I got your awesome newsletter forwarded to me by Ev Weber ’68. I'm Jon Dold, Class of 1994. I'd love to receive this Johnnie update if you would be so kind as to add me to the mailing list.
Thanks so much! Thanks for putting this piece of excellent Johnnie journalism together. Go Johnnies! — Jon
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From Wayne Hergott ’57, Edina, MN —
Bob, Thank you for another very nice UUN. I'm amazed at the accuracy of your predictions of the MIAC scores each week and am eager to learn your prediction of the SCORE of the Johnnie victory at Allianz Field.
Saturday will be a very tough game. The Tommies most likely must win to have a chance of getting into the playoffs. Caruso and his players do not want to be left out of the playoffs for the second year in a row. We're improving each week and it will take close to a perfect performance to win Saturday. We especially need a substantial improvement in our points-after-touchdown and field goal kicking games and I'm optimistic about getting them.
One of the advantages of bad weather last Saturday was that there were a lot of empty reserved seats. We and the Webers sat in four of those. To our surprise when Timo announced, "If you are sitting in Section 102, Row F, seat 5, (or something like that) you just won a pizza.” Lo and behold a pizza was delivered to me. We and those around us who got treated to pizza are grateful to whomever has those seats and decided not to come Saturday. Go Johnnies!!! — Wayne
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Elderly Johnnies Department —
Since a couple recent UUN jokes involving older men have cause involuntary bodily reactions by some elderly readers, a couple more have surfaced. The first below, is contributed by Conrad Macina, one of our humor mavens.
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Two old Tommies, well into their 80s, were bored as heck in Ft. Myers, FL where they spend the winter with their wives. They decided to enliven their lives a bit and elected to visit a brothel just to see what it would be like. The madam figures these Toms are so old and senile they won't be able to tell the difference if she gives them blow-up dolls.
She takes their money, puts a doll in each of the purple geezer's rooms, turns out the lights and lets them get on with it. After an hour of wheezing sex, the old UST coots stagger out of the brothel and go to a nearby bar.
Over drinks the first Tommie says, "Y'know, I think my gal must have been dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned ... How was it for you?"
"Mine was some kind of a witch."
"What d'you mean, ‘witch?’"
"It was weird. Everything was going okay but when I bit her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"
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Saturday after the Bethel game I ran into Terry Fruth ’60 and his brother Gary ‘60 at the La Playette. They mentioned this new Underground News onslaught of stories about elderly men that have caused biological actions in some older readers. They wanted younger UUN readers to understand how it’s not easy getting old. To illustrate this they mentioned having coming across an elderly gentleman who was sitting on a curb in south Minneapolis crying his heart out. Naturally they stopped to offer aid if possible. “Why are you crying?” they asked. “What’s wrong?”
The older gentleman said between his sobs, “It’s about my wife.’”
“What’s wrong with her?” they asked. “Is she sick…was she in an accident…did she die?”
“No, nothing like that,” he cried. “She’s beautiful, she’s a great cook, she’s keeps a wonderful house, and she makes love to me three times a day.”
“She sounds perfect,” they said. “Why are you crying so inconsolably?”
“Because,” he sobbed even harder,” “I can’t remember where I live.”
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Sign on a Johnnie Apartment in St. Joe —
No soliciting! We are too broke to buy anything. We know who we are voting for. We have found Jesus. Seriously, unless you are giving away beer, please go away!
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Tommie Golf —
Gerry and Mark, two University of St. Thomas grads and classmates from 1984, decided to head out for a quick round of golf at the Highland National course. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only nine holes.
Gerry says to Mark, “Let’s say we make the time worth while, at least for one of us and put $5 on the lowest score for the day.” Mark agrees and they enjoy a great game.
After the eighth hole, Mark is ahead by one stroke but cuts his ball into the rough on the ninth.
“Help me find my ball. You look over there,’” Mark says to Gerry. After five minutes, neither has had any luck and, since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Mark pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball,” he announces triumphantly.
Gerry looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?”
“What do you mean ‘cheat?’” says Mark, “I found my ball right here.”
“And a liar too,” Gerry says with amazement, “I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes.”
* * * *
Pasi/Holtkamp Pipe Organ Coming Soon —
There’s a tremendous amount of excitement from the Abbey, the Music Department and Woodworking Shop about the state of our pipe organ renovation. First, St. John’s has reached its funding goal of $1,200,000 for the Pasi/Holtkamp Organ. Next, the Pasi Organ Builders of Roy, Washington has built and delivered 2,687 organ pipes. And finally, reconstruction of the original Holtkamp organ is now underway. Here are two links to visit that will fill you in on the importance of this upgrade and the status of the project.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-GkBgA1ck8 (6:49 min.)
(Contains comments by Fr. Lew Grobe '06, Fr. Bob Koopman ’68, Dr. Kim Kasling, and KC Marrin ’67/‘71 regarding various aspects of the project.)
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Modern Times In Church —
(This is a translation from a sign found in a church in France.)
When you enter this church it may be possible that you hear “the call of God.”
However, it is unlikely that He will call you on your mobile. Thank you for turning off your phones.
If you want to talk to God, enter, choose a quiet place and talk to Him. If you want to see Him, send Him a text while driving.
* * * *
Upgrading the T-Shirt Messages —
Here are a few clever remarks found on some T-shirts; I’d like to see more in this vein at the Johnnie-Tommie game in lieu of the usual childish pap.
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"All men are idiots, and I married their king"
"Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!"
"Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!"
* * * *
Tommie Football Player’s Summer Job —
A UST lineman was looking for a summer job and found it difficult for he was a slow worker and found it hard to hold down a job for long. After discussing this problem with the coaching staff, one of them called in a favor from a friend who managed part-time workers at St. Paul’s Como Park Zoo. When the Tommie arrived for his first day at the zoo, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young Tom was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open.
"Where are the tortoises?" he asked.
"I can't believe it," said our Tommie, "I just opened the door and — whooooosh — they were gone!"
* * * *
The Last Word —
A man was out in the field bird hunting when he stopped to rest for a moment. Laying his rifle against a fence post to catch his bearings, a gust of wind blew the gun over, which fell and discharged, shooting him in the “bathing suit” area.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.“Well, sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player with the Minnesota Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”
* * * *
Well, that’s all she wrote before the B-I-G G-A-M-E. Nobody will have trouble getting up for this gridiron warfare. Just be sure to make your presence known, either at Allianz Field or wherever you watch or listen to the contest, by purposefully screaming:
GO JOHNNIES! Gas the Tommies! (Or something like that. Actually that’s pretty obscure unless you are a student of World War I.)
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Submitted by your loyal and obedient (and did I mention incredibly good-looking) editor:
R. L. Wicker SJP ’60/SJU ’64
2035 Eleanor Avenue, St. Paul, MN
theowick@aol.com ; 651-699-4697
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