Dear Esteemed Readers (and Joke Scanners),
I bid you welcome as I seek to get out yet another hurried issue of the Unofficial Underground News. The darn thing just gets bigger and longer. So I’m striving for more brevity in the reporting/commentary. That’s the goal, not necessarily the result:
1. Last Saturday the Johnnies put up 495 yards of total offense while limiting the Carleton Knights to 286 yards in a 47-14 victory before a crowd of 7,071 at Clemens Stadium, looking for the first time this year like the Jays of Old. Whereas 7,000 people might sound like a pretty fair crowd, it actually is about two thousand short of what it should have been on a pristine fall day with a temp about 60° with little wind, no clouds and hundreds of parents and family on campus forFamily Weekend. The missing fans no doubt have decided to pursue other matters given the disappointing season thus far. Too bad, for this team is growing before our eyes and promises more — my hope and even expectation is we’ll see that tomorrow against a much higher ranked opponent.
2. While Carleton ranks eighth in the MIAC in total offense with an average of 245.9 yards per game, ahead of onlyHamline, the Knights rank third in total defense (301.3 yards per game allowed), behind only St. Thomas and Bethel. And Carleton ranks first in the conference (127.6 yards per game allowed) against the pass. That’s why I’m excited to see if soph QB Connor Bruns, who erupted with many nifty long passes threaded expertly to several receivers in the midst of pretty good pass coverage, can continue to make a similar statement against St. Olaf, our gridiron foe tomorrow. If he can and does, I suspect our quarterbacking by committee will be over.
3. Now the Oles are not going to be push-overs. Far from it. St. Olaf is ranked #19 in the D3 Top 25 and #24 in AFCA Top 25 polls. (UST is #3 and Bethel #23 in both polls; Whitewater and Mount Union are #1 & #2 in both polls as well.) Our defense has played exceedingly well the past one and a half games; if that effort continues as well, then I expect a Johnny victory. The largest handicap is our relative lack of experience on the Dee side of the ball — I believe we only returned three starters from last year, whereas St. Thomas returned practically everybody, with something close to that at Bethel. The last couple of games I’ve seen a more effective rush to the enemy QB and a little tighter coverage in the secondary, but I suspect that tomorrow’s could be a high-scoring affair. One other thing: the Oles have only lost to UST and defeated—just narrowly—Augsburg and Bethel. These are teams we played very close and probably could beat if played again now.
4. There has been a flurry of John Gagliardi articles recently, and a nice mention of Clemens Stadium in a list of top football venues. Here they are...I’ll wait while you read them:
— 409 Wins? The Coach Who Has Paterno Beat
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/31/sports/ncaafootball/gagliardi-still-has-paterno-beat.html?_r=1&emc=eta1 (New York Times)
— Gagliardi says it's 'nice to be attached' to Paterno
http://www.twincities.com/sports/ci_19232876 (St. Paul Pioneer Press
— Rajkowski column: Gagliardi looks back and ahead
http://www.sctimes.com/article/20111101/SPORTS/111010025/Rajkowski-column-Gagliardi-looks-back-ahead (St. Cloud Times)
— Johnnies on the Spot
http://www.startribune.com/sports/gophers/133044858.html (Minneapolis StarTribune)
— !3 Best Places To Watch College Football
(Guess which venue is #10?...as my ol’ Daddy used to say, “You’re picking in pretty high cotton.” Hope this link works for you because it doesn’t always for me.)
http://www.totalprosports.com/2011/09/27/13-best-places-to-watch-college-football/
5. As mentioned last issue, classmate Rick Ahles ’64 invited us to sit with him in his el primo seats for the Carleton game and that was super. This week Rick is out of town and has graciously gifted his seats once again. Although this is sort of a moving target, as of this writing Jeff Norman ’78 and I will be joined by Fr. Mike Byron ’81 and David Krenn’01. No doubt we’ll all partake of the sensory delights of the Stiftungsfestivities up beyond the scoreboard. All are invited but not that many show. Your loss.
Last week Chris and I arrived on campus earlier than usual and still did not get a parking place in the prized Science Hall Lot. Family Weekend had something to do with it, but also there were other events going on as well. Arriving at the tailgate fairly early we were delighted to meet and chat with several players, part of Pete Hacker’s ’88 “IT Squad,”meaning in Pete’s estimation these guys “get” what it means to be a Johnnie as a life-long calling and he wants them to mingle with the older Jays. Players stopping by on their way to taping and other game prep were Ben Hillman, Bobby Fischer, Steve Johnson, Andrew Rose, Connor Grill and Ian Goldsmith. These are great guys, as are most of the SJU players I’ve been privileged to meet over the years. So are their parents. Just recently I’ve met Todd Grill, Jane and Dan Rose and Leo Johnson. I met Ben Hillman’s dad in the Whiskey River john after the Gustavus game. Tom and Kathy Awe (Harry’s parents) stopped by the tailgate to say hello and “graduated” parents Dan and Annette Schroeder(Kyle ’11) have kept up with their tickets. Speaking of parents, Clark and Noel Stanton (John ’10) flew out from San Rafael, CA for two games this year. That reminds me. I’m attaching a photo that was taken at the Stella Maris Chapelthis time a year ago; Patrick Lilly ’79 and family were out there also and Pat snapped this souvenir view for the four hiking buddies (plus me) who looked forward to their treks out and back each week before the game. The dramatis personae are, from left, Noel Stanton, Annette Schroeder, Chris Gilllespie, Moi--your editor who decided to go along once in lieu [partial] of burgers and beer-- and Dona Buttenhoff, a season ticket holder whose nephew played for St. John’s years ago and she and her husband Dana just stayed.
I met a new UUN subscriber (and employee of SJU), Matt Reeve ’11, who works with Adam Herbst ’99 with Alumni Relations. Matt’s brother is Eric ’03 who is married to Anna Kokesch Reeve ’03 and they live in Rochester, MN. I also introduced myself to Ron Sadlowsky, a rural Avon man a few years old than myself — I’ve seen him around the tailgate but hadn’t met him previously. He’s followed SJU since John Gagliardi became coach back in 1953. He didn’t attend St. John’s but his mother worked in the food service back then...some other alums told him years ago, when someone asked him if he was a Johnnie, that it was close enough. I like the way Ron thinks: while talking about different brands of beer, he opined that drinking Miller Lite was like making love in a canoe. He could have been an English major with figurative speech and similes and all.
A few other highlights were saying hello to Don Forbes, SJU Bookstore manager, and then later having him present Chris’ grandchildren a nice SJU football pennant as a reminder of their campus visit. Those kids are the offspring of Tomand Janel ’97 Lewandowski, down for the day from Crosby, MN, where they’ve recently moved from Des Moines, IA. I learned that Janel was a founding member and captain of the first St. Ben’s Dance Team; her husband knew all about Bennies dancing, but wondered how they were going to put all those brass poles on the field during halftime. That comment got a good “look” from his wife. Another pleasant surprise was sitting a couple rows behind behind Dan and Sarah Guimond McDermott (both ’84) when Dan won a pizza and generously spread the wealth to his neighbors. I saw a grandmotherly woman climbing up the steps during the game with a sweatshirt that read: “Sponge Bob University.” I wonder what their tuition is...
Standing at the Rich Hall Memorial Plaque was long-time fan Dale Lund who introduced me to three fine fellows who drove fourteen hours over from Michigan just to see Gagliardi coach in Clemens Stadium. They planned to meet The Legend after the game. I offered to buy them a beer at the La but they reluctantly declined, saying they had another fourteen hours return trip. Rick Ahles introduced us to his stadium neighbor Bob Obermiller ’51, who played baseball for SJU back in the day, some of it coached by that wonderful monk, the late Fr. Dunstan Tucker. Bob said Dunstan coached a couple of years and then was removed from his duties for a few years because the old Abbot Alcuin thought he was becoming too worldly taking the bus with the players to dangerous places like Gustavus, St. Mary’s and the like. At the tailgate I ran into another old timer, Charlie Cammack ’54 and his son Mike, who had just flown in that morning from their homes in Atlanta. They joined us at the Leroy Lilly ’55 family table in the back room of the La afterwards. Man, you should have heard the BS fly between those two. Heard a story about Epsie Linnemann’s favorite line when talking with Bennies (as related by Mike Laliberte ’69 to Jeanne and Thom Woodward (both ’70), Phil Kostelnik ’69 and me): “You Bennies are all First Violins” he’d say, “and the Johnnies are Second Fiddles.” And John Forsythe ’74, owner with his wife Maureen of Bo Diddley’s Deli across the street from the La Playette, related one of his favorite Gag stories inspired by the fact that during the season John pretty much tunes out everything and everybody but football. One year his wife Peggy confronted him: “You like football better than me.” John replied, “That may be so, but I like YOU better than basketball.”
6. Okay. So much for brevity. Maybe next time.
Respectfully hunt & pecked,
Bob Wicker SJP ’60/SJU ’64, St. Paul
theowick@aol.com , 651-699-4697
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SOT Ecumenical Corner (Understanding Norwegian Lutheran Religious Culture Department) —
(Our thanks to John Quinlivan SJP ’54, St. Cloud)
The Northfield lady was a St. Olaf graduate who attended services and taught Sunday School every week at her local Lutheran church.
On one Sunday, an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
The gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant over in Rochester. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said this fine example of St. Olaf womanhood, "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my, goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did."
Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said with anticipation! The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U- turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Ole darling lying there in the bed and, with nagging remorse, thought, "What the heck have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing — whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them: You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
GO JOHNNIES...BEAT THE OLES!
* * * *
St. Joseph Vignette #1 —
This pirate walks into the La Playette wearing a hat made out of a paper towel. After the bartender serves him some dirty rum he says to the pirate, “I just have to ask why you’re wearing a paper towel?”
“Aaar! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
* * * *
SJU football: Maze fits right in
http://www.sctimes.com/article/20111103/SPORTS04/111030008/SJU-football-Maze-fits-right-in
“We’re having a down year here, but we’re learning from it,” said Thompson, whose team is 3-3 in MIAC play and 4-4 overall going into play this weekend. “In the years to come, I see nothing but daylight ahead. We’ve gone through our darkest days and we’re going to get things turned around. Things haven’t gone the way we’ve wanted them to this season. But we’re going to get right back in the saddle and go again next year.”
* * * *
St. Joseph Vignette #2 —
Over at Kay’s Kitchen the waitress was refilling cups of coffee. At one table she asked the traveling salesman sitting there, "Regular?"
The customer’s response was, "Yes, due to a steady diet of fruit and lots of fiber. Thank you for asking."
* * * *
What’s Up At CSB & SJU ?
— SJU speaker will cover Olympic history — David Matz, professor of classics at St. Bonaventure University in Olean, N.Y., will speak on the history of the Olympics at 7 p.m., Nov. 9 at SJU. Matz is a resident scholar at theCollegeville Institute for Ecumenical and Cultural Research at St. John’s. He will discuss the earliest Olympic champions 3,000 years ago, the intensity of Olympic victory and the evolution of the Olympic competition. The session, in the Alumni Lounge in the Quadrangle, is free.
— On Sunday, November 20th at 4:00 p.m. in SJU's Stephen B. Humphrey Theater, the soon-to-be- retiring Willem Ibes will once again honor St. Caecilia, Patroness of Music and Musicians, whose liturgical Feast Day is actually on November 22. His program will include works by J.S. Bach, Fauré, Schubert, and Liszt. This is a free recital but you are asked to RSVP for planning; there will be a festive reception in the Great Hall after the recital. Go here:
https://www.csbsju.edu/sjualum/events/2011willem-ibes-concert-and-celebration-of-saint-caecilia.aspx
For more information about Wim, please visit his web site, www.willemibes.com ;.
— St. John's Wrestling Team - which begins its season at the Wisconsin-Stevens Point Open at 9 a.m. this Saturday - is ranked No. 6 in the nation in Division III. Dustin Baxter is ranked No. 1 nationally at 184 pounds. Matt Pfarr is ranked No. 4 at 174 pounds. Chad Henle is ranked No. 5 at 133 pounds.
— The Blazers Soccer Team - top seed in the MIAC playoffs - plays host to the third-seeded Cobbers in the MIAC title game at 1 p.m. Saturday with the conference's automatic bid to the Division III playoffs on the line. The Blazers shared the crown with Carleton. http://www.sctimes.com/article/20111101/SPORTS04/111010024/College-soccer-Top-seeded-Blazers-set-playoffs
— Two Johnny Grads Abroad with the Benedictine Volunteer Corps — Thomas Joyce and Justin Roseare members of the St. John’s Benedictine Volunteer Corps for up to a year at a Benedictine Monastery in Coban, Guatemala, Joe Ness’ [SJP ’61} brother, Fr. Bernadine (Bernie) Ness OSB, who has lived and worked there for over 40 years (coming there from Blue Cloud Abbey originally), passed on one of the lads’ blog:http://justinphiliprose.blogspot.com/ where Justin details his and Thomas’ immersion into a totally new culture.
— Announcing St. Cecilia’s 3rd Red Mass — On Saturday, November 12 (right after the Hamline game in St. Paul), the 5 pm Eucharist will also be the occasion of St. Cecilia's third Red Mass. Whereas the normal "Red Mass" honors judges, lawyers, mayors, city administrators and so forth, this St. C's Red Mass celebrates those of us who have enjoyed the special blessings of a Benedictine education at the College of St. Benedict and St. John's University, Prep School and School of Theology. It also helps that our pastor — Fr. Mike Byron ’81 — is an alumnus of St. John's. After Mass ALL are invited to a continuation of the celebration downstairs in O'Connell Fellowship Hall, but Johnnies and Bennies are expected to be there...wearing red, of course. A meal, refreshments and fellowship will follow with a free-will offering toward expenses much appreciated by me. St. Cecilia’s is located at 2357 Bayless Place, St. Paul 55114, very near Hwy 280 and University Avenue...and about five minutes from Hamline’s campus on Snelling Avenue. http://www.stceciliaspm.org/map.html
* * * *
SJU Football Coach John Gagliardi and UST Football Coach Glenn Caruso somehow ended up at the same barber shop on St. Paul’s Payne Avenue in the city’s most Italian neighborhood.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber amid palpable tension, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to football and the bitter UST-SJU rivalry.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Caruso in his chair reached for the aftershave. Glenn was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Gag and said, “How about you, sir?”
John replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
* * * *
Quip of the Week —
Holiday traveler to airline clerk: "OK, I give up. Why is there mistletoe above the scale?"
"So you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
* * * *
From Honorary Johnny Dave Swanson ’65, Inver Grove Heights, MN —
Flying over the Grand Canyon — great courage, tremendous views
http://www.youtube.com/v/WgdIE2t8QkM?
* * * *
English Majors’ Corner (Contributed by a Real English Major) —
(From Pete Gareri ’62, Plymouth, MN)
Remember this Neat Lesson in English Language!
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE andFINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, there is a difference! A big difference!
Please note: When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!
And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!
However. . .when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are --- COMPLETELY FINISHED!
* * * *
A Monk’s Chronicle
By Fr. Eric Hollas OSB
The Boy and The Marine
http://monkschronicle.wordpress.com/2011/10/31/the-boy-and-the-marine-2/
* * * *
From Larry Schultz ’76, Vadnais Heights, MN, part of a longer note —
Oh, one more thing. Is it me or is it déclassé for our guys to do the chest-bumping, etc., in the end zone after we score? Noticed it once or twice on Saturday. I remember lastyear Joe Boyle being penalized for doing it, i.e. excessive celebration or whatever the penalty is. I just think it looks bad. I’m just your average Johnnie who’s no curmudgeon... but what’s next, some type of celebratory dance or posturing in the end zone? I wish they would knock it off. I’m as happy and proud as any Johnnie when we score. And definitely think it’s great the fellas are excited when they do. And we all want them to be happy when they score. And it’s natural to display that happiness. Go for it, guys! But please don’t jump on the self-aggrandizing bandwagon. It’s so antithetical to what the monks try so gently and unobtrusively to instill in us. Go shake the hand of the lineman who made it all possible.
* * * *
After the Homecoming game Bob Faust ’64, Lindstrom, MN, wrote of the last second (literally) loss to Augsburg — “As several notables have said, ‘The sun don't shine on the same dog's @ss every day.’ So it must've been Gag's day to be under a cloudy sky.”
One notable most quick with that quote was our late, great classmate George Flynn ’64, a brilliant, successful, quite earthy...and generous to St. John’s... attorney. At the tailgate before the Augsburg game, his son, Tim Flynn ’91, told Leon Grahn, Jim Senden and me (all classmates of George) a hilarious story about that above-mentioned phrase and his dad’s burial in the St. John’s Abbey Cemetery. It seems that George wanted that phrase engraved on his headstone, but he knew it probably wouldn’t fly in English, so he and some of his kids asked Fr. Don Talafous if he could translate it to Latin, which Don did and it was something like this: Sol non lucent, eadem cane asinum suum cunctis diebus. Fr. Don said he’d have to clear it with the Abbot, who replied that he feared too many people around there still can read Latin, so no go. Next — and by this time George is dead and buried — the kids requested if they could engrave just the first letter of each word of George’s saying. Fr. Don said he’d take it again to Father Abbot. Abbot John Klassen SJP ’67/SJU ’71/SOT ’77 this time replied, “I think it’s wonderful that George will have the initials of all his ‘grandchildren’ engraved on his tombstone.”
* * * *
SOT Corner (Jewish-Catholic Understandings Department) —
(Submitted by Pat Mingo SJP ’52/SJU ’56, St. Paul))
Two old friends, a priest and rabbi, were having lunch and the priest mentioned that he had been given a gift by one of his parishioners of a golf outing at a very exclusive Club for the upcoming Saturday. The rabbi said that was great, however the priest explained that, while it was a wonderful gift, he couldn’t go because he had to hear Confessions that day. The rabbi said how sorry he was and asked if somehow he could help him out. The priest said that maybe he could; since he had to hear Confessions that afternoon, he wondered if the rabbi could hear Confessions with him to learn the ropes. The rabbi quickly agreed.
Later that afternoon both the priest and rabbi are sitting in the box. The first person comes in and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have committed adultery.”
Priest: “How many times?”
Person: “Three times.”
Priest: “Be sorry for your sins, say three Hail Marys, and don’t do it again.”
The second person comes in and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have committed adultery.”
Priest: “How many times?”
Person: ”Three times.”
Priest: “Be sorry for your sins, say three Hail Marys, and don’t do it again.”
After the second penitent departed, the rabbi says, “I think I got it,” so the priest says, “Okay...you take the next one.”
The next person comes in and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have committed adultery.”
Rabbi: How many times?”
Person: “Once.”
The rabbi thinks a few moments and says, “We have a special this week. Go do it two more times. Then be sorry for your sins, say three Hail Marys, and don’t do it again.”
* * * *
This University of St. Thomas grad was sitting at the blackjack table out at Mystic Lake Casino, distressed and wondering what he was even doing there. Just then, he remembered seeing a sign in the casino that read, "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
The Tommy pulled out his cell phone and made the call. "Hello?" the person on the other end answered.
"I have a gambling problem."
"It's good you called. I want to acknowledge you for taking a step in the right direction. Now, let's get a bit more specific about your problem."
"Okay,” replied our UST guy. “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven showing. What do I do?"
* * * *
From Fr. Mike Byron ’81, St. Cecilia’s Parish, St. Paul —
Hi Rob ~ Happy to report that I’ve found a companion for the game Saturday, and will be delighted to use those tickets. Sadly, I’ll have to leave early in order to get back to St. C’s for normal ‘rounds.’ My companion will be David Krenn, who is either an ’00 or ’01. Not only am I his confirmation sponsor from days of yore, but he had the strange experience of being in my first classroom when I began my teaching career at Holy Angels…he was an 8th grader. An exceptionally quality guy. — mb
* * * *
From Kathleen Ziegler, St. Kate’s ’62, and wife of Frank ’62, Lino Lakes, MN —
Frank is going to sit with Mike Murphy [’61] at the game tomorrow [Carleton]. Jane Murphy isn't coming, so I think I'll mosey over to see the Bible exhibition again. If you see Frank, ask him about last Sunday when we went to theMinneapolis Institute of Arts with some friends for brunch. They hadn't heard of the SJ Bible (!) so we took them to the exhibit and THERE WAS DONALD JACKSON with his lovely wife Mabel and handful of people. We had a lovely visit for about 20 minutes before someone on a tour recognized him and the jig was up.
(Editor’s Elucidation: Never heard of Donald Jackson? Or not sure why you’ve heard the name? Then, dear uninformed reader, go straight to Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Jackson_(calligrapher) .)
* * * *
Pre-Law Department (Client Billing Division) —
The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushes to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened. "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."
"What new evidence could you have?"
"I've learned that my client has $10,000 that I didn't know about."
* * * *
People always call me a hypochondriac and let me tell you, that makes me sick.
* * * *
Faith of Our Benedictine Sisters —
Funeral of Sister Lavonne Eibensteiner
October 26, 2011
Is 35:1-6a, 10; 2 Tim 4:6-8; Jn 17:20-26
Reading the Scriptures for this Eucharist, Sister Lavonne’s happy, free-spirited and mischievous grin kept coming to mind. “A merited crown awaits me,” she might read, and then it would be like her to add, “And I want one with lots of jewels.” “Those God has ransomed will enter Zion singing,” she’d read, and I can hear her add, “Not only singing, but dancing!” And then she would give a little dance and giggle. I can believe she’d pick these readings herself, so well they reflect her spirit: “God comes to save you. The eyes of the blind will be opened. The glory of Lebanon will be given them. Father, (says Jesus) all those you gave me, I would have with me.” These words speak clearly of her own strong faith in what comes after this earthly life.
Now we come together in this chapel to make present and to celebrate the reason for that faith, the reason we can take these scriptures seriously, the reason we believe in the glory of the future life. Present on our altar in a few minutes will be the dying that destroys death and the rising that restores life.
Are we alone at this altar, celebrating the victory of life over death? Some years ago—it was Sister Delarene died, so you know it was some years ago—I had a dream that I won’t easily forget. In the dream we were having Delarene’s wake in the Gathering Place as usual, but the body was in the main body of the Gathering Place, on the south side. On the north side there was a great balcony full of seats like a theater. Many of the seats were full of Sisters, mostly in black habits. Other Sisters were coming in through the doors to take their places. These were our Sisters who had already died, and I realized that they came to be with us at wakes and funerals.
I treasure that image. I like to think about it, that around our altar here, and surrounding us, are all our dear Sisters who have received the merited crown, whose eyes can now see the splendor of God, who are in the company of Jesus, just as Jesus prayed to the Father that they be. Here are Sisters we never knew and Sisters we knew well. And yes, there is our dear Sister Lavonne entering Zion singing, and—just as she predicted, dancing, too. Yes, she is wearing her crown and yes, it is full of jewels.
Let us go to make our worship, in thanksgiving.
Saint Benedict's Monastery, St. Joseph MN56374, Sacred Heart Chapel
Homily by Maranatha Renner OSB
* * * *
From Mattie Hawley '00, SJU Assistant Dean of Students
I just wanted to let you know how happy I am to get these email updates! It's really fun to hear about all of the people that you meet, and about all of the alums that I know! Thank you so much for taking the time to send out this wonderful update!
* * * *
Updated Rules Of Golf (Seniors Division) —
(Editor's Hint: My favorite is Rule #5.)
The R&A (formerly known as the Royal and Ancient Golf Club), the ruling body for the game of golf, along with the United States Golf Association has amended principal regulations from the Rules of Golf, the bible of the game. Apparently, the rule changes were influenced by the AARP:
Rule 1.a.5: A ball sliced or hooked into the rough by a golfer past the age of 65 shall be lifted and placed onto the fairwayat a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Seniors should not be penalized for tall grasswhich groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b): A ball hit by a golfer past the age of 65 that hits a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3 (g): There shall be no such thing as a lost ball for senior players; the missing ball is on or near the course and willeventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7 (h): If a senior player's putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Rules of Golf supersede the law of gravity.
Rule 5: Seniors' putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9 (k): There is no penalty for seniors for so- called 'out of bounds.' If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15 (z): There is no penalty for a senior who hits a ball into a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturing defects.
Rule 8.k.9(s): Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior golfers, one half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
(NOTE: This is a joke, obviously. But the first part, about a notable change in the Rules of Golf, is true. For details:
www.nytimes.com/2011/10/28/sports/golf/golf-adjusts-some-penalties-and-it-only-took-centuries.html)
* * * *
From Tom Linnemann ’01, Minneapolis, commenting on Lindsay Good’s ’06 shout out on Angie’s Kettle Corn in a healthy snack pack for Halloween —
Ask Dan [Bastian ’90] about the Halloween snack pack...it's a Johnnie world. ;)
(Editor’s Note: Through my ubiquitous contacts I’ve learned that when Tom was the snacks buyer at Target (I don’t know what he does there now) he and Dan created the Halloween Snack Pack program together...Tom calls it a “Johnnie/Johnnie win-win story.” Tom was quoted as saying, “It’s great to work for a huge corporation and still Johnnie Up, y’know!” For those interested in trying Angie’s Kettle Corn that is a naturally delicious treat no trans-fats, artificial flavors or preservatives, hit this link to a map listing outlets around the country: http://www.angieskettlecorn.com/map.html )
(Editor’s Small World Department: I heard from my classmate Bob Malby ’64 who also wrote in about Dan, Angie and their Kettle Corn: “Dan Bastian is the son of Marilyn and Bernie Bastian of Mankato. Marilyn and I were high school classmates at Cathedral High in New Ulm. I played golf with Marilyn and Bernie in Mankato some weeks ago and heard the Angie's Kettle Corn story from them.”)
* * * *
From Honorary Johnny Steve May, just returned from a two-week trip to the “Holy Land” — Ireland, of course — led byFr. Joe Gillespie OP ’64 —
Please ask Dave Wendt [’63] about being named the “Earl” of the castle that we visited while in Ireland. I will get you a photo. He had a crown on and sat at an elevated chair over 100 people who were having dinner. It was classic. — Steve
(Editor’s Interjection: I replied to Mr. May that he and Bill Marrin SJP ’61/SJU ’65 should get their stories straight because last week Bill wrote that Dave had been crowned “king.” So what was he — a king or an earl? Steve answered thusly:)
We were constantly told by our guides that if you don’t know the answer when in Ireland, make one up. Blarney. It was great fun partying with Bill Marrin and his wife Peg. Super people. Blessings.
* * * *
From Jim Platten SJP ’70/SJU ’74, St. Paul —
It's pretty brave having the tawdry sex jokes just before the Sister Lois [Wedl] update!!!!
(Editor’s Protest: Those weren’t tawdry...and I certainly didn’t receive a rebuke from my friend and UUNcorrespondent/joke contributor, Sr. Lois. To refresh the readers’ memories, here’s one of them again:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
* * * *
From John Chromy ’64, Washington, DC —
Wicks---thanks for all the news---short but sweet and always entertaining. Cheers, John
(Editor’s Note: I told John that the only reason it was “short but sweet” is because he isn’t hitting the links. This is my favorite from last issue, sent in by Tom Guetzke ’80; if you missed it last week you ought to give it a try now: Red Solo Cup — Let’s Have A Party: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKZqGJONH68 ...and remember to hit those links — it’s good for you!)
* * * *
From Bob O’Hara, St. Louis Park, MN
Bob, below is from a high school friend. Loved the most recent update from you. Glad I missed the Tommie game. I was wondering if Gag would still be walking.
All you need to know about Government Bureaucracy:
** Pythagorean theorem:.............................................24 words
** Lord's prayer:.........................................................66 words
** Archimedes' Principle:..............................................67 words
** 10 Commandments:..............................................179 words
** Gettysburg address:..............................................286 words
** Declaration of Independence:...............................1,300 words
** US Constitution with all 27 Amendments:..............7,818 words
** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage:...26,911 words
SORT OF PUTS THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE, DOESN'T IT?????
* * * *
More Scenes From Stearns County —
(Contributed by Joe Ness SJP ’61/Marquette ’65, Bayfield, WI)
“Hello, is this the Stearns County Sheriff's Office?”
“Yes, what can I do for you?”
“I'm callin’ to report ‘bout my neighbor Virgil Schmidtbauer on County 17 east a Holdingford....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's hidin' it in dere.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
“Hey, Virgil! Dis here's Floyd....Did da Sheriff come?”
“Yeah! Just left a bit ago.”
“Did dey chop your firewood?”
“Yep!”
“Happy Birthday, buddy!”
* * * *
For SJU Graduating Class of 2012 —
Emily Post’s Etiquette for Men
* * * *
Daily Reflection
By Fr. Don Talafous ’48, Alumni Chaplain
(To Believers about their Kids, Friends who don't)
We believers in God might underestimate the difficulty God presents for some of our friends. The beauty of the Rockies or of a sunrise is clear evidence for some; the birth of a little baby seems an obvious miracle; the existence of selfless people we meet and who have done us so much good is persuasive for some. St. Paul, too, thinks there is good evidence. "God's eternal power and divinity have become visible, recognized through the things He has made"(Romans 1:20).
We're certainly justified in corroborating God's existence in our own way. But others might not be convinced by the same things. There are emotional difficulties with believing, issues from our upbringing or experience that make it hard, devastating events that we can't quite get over. Too, people might have very different ways of expressing their belief or of describing God. More familiarity with the Bible would show us there a great deal of variety in how people think of God. God is always more than any one of us can say, always more than any one picture we have. In the long run we point to God's existence and goodness better by how we live and act than by how we argue. Honing our arguments for God's existence is much less important than echoing God's love in what we do and say.
* * * *
Bear Removal Technique —
(Compliments of Thom Woodward ’70, Sartell, MN)
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof --- shoot the dog."
* * * *
From Gerry Faust ’64, San Diego, CA —
Can’t tell you how relieved I am with that SJU win. Came at a good time as Joe Pa at Penn State passed Robinson at Grambling to become the second winningest college football coach of all time. Every commentator that announced it had to mention John... and often followed with, “and he won his 481st today!”...Love it!
I thought that CJ [Ross ’64, UUN Resident Humologist] had forgotten you, but see he is back at it..actually sending along my father-in-law's (rest his soul) favorite story. After the stroke he used to tell it to me about every second time I saw him, a memory problem. If he told it to me now that often I would laugh every time...another memory problem.
Since I was raised in the beer business (dad was the Grain Belt Beer Distributor in Brainerd)..I liked the Olde Johnnie Ale and will check everywhere for it...report back after your next UUN. — Gerry
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From Rich Mies SJP ’76/UST ’80, Minneapolis —
Bob — Delighted to get this issue….was worried when weeks went by without one; I thought maybe the loss to UST was too much for you to bear ….glad to see all’s well.
This was published on the MIAC website today and I thought you’d like it:
http://miac-online.org/news/2011/10/28/MGOLF_1028110400.aspx ~~ Rich
(Editor’s Note: This is another one of those links many of you will miss hurdling to the next joke. This is a very nice article Rich wrote spotlighting the SJU collegiate career of outstanding senior golfer Tony Krogen, who twice won the MIAC Men’s Golf Player-of-the-Year Award.)
* * * *
From CJ Ross ’64, UUN Resident Humorologist, San Diego, CA —
An 80-year-old Stearns County farmer goes to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I'm from western Stearns County and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish,” says the old guy, “and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight milking cows and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.”
“Well” says the doctor, “I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?”
“Who said my father's dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'
“He's 100 years old,” says the old farmer. “In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar in Belgrade for a while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Stearns County farmer like me, and he's a hunter and fisherman too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my Grandpa's dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?”
“He's 118 years old,” says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?”
“No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married!! Why Would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
* * * *
Battle of the Sexes (A Continuing Series) —
The wealthy wife was quite sure that her husband was having sex with the maid so she laid a trap. One evening she sent the maid home for weekend and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the same old story. "Excuse me my dear, my stomach is aching," and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. He came in silently, and wasted no time on words but quickly started having sex.
When he finished, the wife said, "You didn't expect me in this bed, did you?" and
switched on the light...
"No, Madam....." replied the chauffeur.
* * * *
Battle of the Sexes (In Rhyme this time) —
(Contributed by that great romantic Iron Ranger, Pete Gareri ’62.)
(Note: There are entries to the Ottawa Citizen competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line.)
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is, until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty, and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
* * * *
Carleton Game Reports —
(By Frank Rajkowski, St. Cloud TImes)
Johnnies roll to win over Knights
* * * *
SJU football notebook: Game a family feud for Zwebers
* * * *
Scoring & Stats
http://www.sctimes.com/article/20111030/SPORTS04/110300065/St-John-s-47-Carleton-14
* * * *
Around the MIAC
— St. Thomas wrapped up the MIAC's automatic bid to the Division III playoffs and remained undefeated at 9-0 with a 20-7 home victory over Gustavus . (Not to take anything away from the Gusties, but that was closer than it should have been for a UST home game...I think the Toms might have been luffing...I hope so or they won’t even get to the Mount Union and Whitewater showdowns.)
— St. Olaf kept its postseason hopes alive with a 40-0 victory over Hamline in Northfield. (Two or three weeks ago I was more frightened by the Oles than I am now... if our guys play both sides of the game well, we’ll beat them tomorrow.)
— Josh Aakre had a big day as Bethel beat Concordia 27-13. (I was pulling for the Cobbers, but that was about right for the score.)
— Augsburg held off Macalester 31-23 in nonconference play. (What is going on with Mac this year? They’ve been competitive (while not necessarily victorious) against most of their MIAC competition.)
* * * *
Johnnies in the News
— Johnnies coach John Gagliardi turned 85 this past Tuesday. On the same day when Penn State coach Joe Paterno— who is just over a month younger — recorded his 409th victory, moving him past former Grambling coach Eddie Robinson and into second place all-time, John extended his lead atop the all-time wins list with his 482nd.
— Matt Kukar ’02, son of Bernie ’62, former NFL Super Bowl referee, is getting an occasional Big Ten football game himself to officiate.
— Trent Kirchner ’00, assistant director of pro personnel for the Seattle Seahawks, and his wife Jessica just became parents to a son, Carter.
— Lindsay Whalen, star of the champion Minnesota Lynx, is the granddaughter of St. John’s Prep ’50 and University ’54 standout athlete Casey Vilandre who is retired in Bemidji, MN.
— Read in Charley Walters’ column in the Pioneer Press: Some St. John’s alumni are nervous that if St. Thomas football coach Glenn Caruso leaves for a bigger job, the Toms could go after former St. John’s star QB Kurt Ramler, the coach at Carleton, and eliminate him as a prospect to someday succeed legendary John Gagliardi.
—Hans Weyandt ’99, co-owner of Micawber’s Books in the St. Anthony Park neighborhood of his native St. Paul, has made the book publishing news by collecting the Top 50 favorite reads of booksellers across the country. You can see the lists at micawbers.blogspot.com . Hans is married to Jen Eisenzimmer Weyandt ’99, a Nursing major who is now a pediatric nurse at Children’s Hospital in Minneapolis.
* * * *
Battle of the Sexes (Still more evidence) —
(Sent in by Joe Ness)
After both suffering with depression, my wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday...but strangely enough after she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better and thought, ‘screw it!’ I'll try to make a go of it ...
* * * *
The Final Word —
By Fr. Mike Byron ’81 in the St. Cecilia Bulletin, October 30, echoing themes in Fr. Don’s reflection above
Dear Friends: It is not rare for me to be in conversation with parishioners who grieve or worry about choices or circumstances that have befallen their children. Twenty years ago I was more apt to hear about the disappointment of parents when their grown children stopped attending church or married a non-Catholic person. Today those would be considered the least of the problems to be concerned with. And sometimes the parents wonder if they’ve failed in their responsibilities. Usually the answer is no, since I know of almost no parents who set out purposely to direct their kids in ways that will make their lives difficult or tragic in the long run. I am often amazed when I think about the staggering number of judgment calls that parents of younger children have to make constantly. Nobody is going to get it right all the time. And other things make the challenge even harder. Recently I got a call from a wife/mother (not from St. C’s) of two very young children. She is worried because she thinks her husband drinks too much and that this will impact the family in enduringly negative ways. I suspect she’s right about that if nothing changes, but what can she do? Be a nag? Issue ultimatums? Put up with it? Become co-dependent?
And how ought parents to behave when those kids grow up and make decisions that seem obnoxious or morally offensive? What’s the right response to an unplanned preg- nancy, or to becoming sexually active, or using potentially dangerous chemicals, or quitting school prematurely, or hanging around with a bad crowd? How does a parent maintain his/her values while not rejecting or judging a child? Is it OK to be angry? If so, at whom should that anger be directed? God? The child? Oneself? I wish I had access to the magic formula answers, but I do know that alienation is never the right reaction. And I know that every single day is a new opportunity to change course if an ingrained response has clearly not been working up to now.
Last spring one of my uncles died after a good life and a lengthy disease. He and my aunt raised three excellent children, my cousins. As we were planning funeral together I asked what they most treasured about their father. Among the consensus replies was that he was such a steady and devoted and caring presence in the family home as they were growing up. He was clear about his expectations for his kids, but he never raised his voice in anger. In fact, one of them said it beautifully: “To know that any of us had disappointed our Dad through a bad decision was itself the worst punishment we had to endure. To hear the words, ‘Im disappointed with this’ was the cruelest thing to experi- ence.” Quite a tribute. I resonated with it because I remember a time when I’d gotten into trouble as a kid and my own father had given me a spanking. I responded by flying into a rage and launching a verbal assault about how good parents don’t hit their kids. This was followed by a prolonged silence, after which my Dad turned to me and said softly, “I’m sorry.” Wow. Talk about sucking the wind right out of me. I’ll never forget that exchange.
By these stories I mean to suggest that being an excellent parent includes cultivating in yourself an honorable character, such that when a kid messes up—as inevitably she/he will—the witness of the parents’ own life can be its own best vehicle for “pronouncing judgment” (if that‟s the right way to say it). Parents can’t and don’t have to be perfect, but they do have to be people of honesty and integrity. If there’s anything that young people are expert about it’s their ability to sniff out a fraud or insincerity in adults.
Fr. Mike Byron
* * * *
Finally! It’s done...I can go to sleep and dream of the hoped-for victory over St. Olaf tomorrow.